- bloodwing -

2001-04-19T15:32:00.000-07:00

Yarg. -bloodwing- is here now, ya bloody idjit. GO FORTH!

2001-04-04T17:36:00.000-07:00

If you care to see any recent posts, be aware that I am now officially moved to http://shosetsu.diaryland.com . No more entries here. Still, I'll keep archives here for those who care...see ye at the new place, minna~

2001-04-02T21:17:00.000-07:00

Alrighty minna-san, Blogger has gotten on my nerves enough that I'm moving to DiaryLand. Currently, I'm in the process of moving my archives, so it'll be a bit. Btw, the new/future/pending address of my blog is http://shosetsu.diaryland.com ....so, if you've got me linked, please be a dear and change it. Au revoir!

2001-04-02T01:58:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, an update on my search results-as usual, the normal flow of Kuja yaoi ones (although I DID get a "kuja thong" one ^__^), but lately I seem to be getting "Gackt nude/gay" ones, or ones dealing with elephant nose fish, like my poor deceased Lt. Elehayym van Houten (yes, I named my fish after some chick who get reincarnated more than the Dalai Lama and screwed Fei). So, for all of you get here by searching for elephant nose fish, here's a little treat for you. Eat your heart out. Actually, I didn't know that elephant nose fish were electric-all I knew is they have damn cool independently movable noses, something which rocks immeasurably. Truth be told, it wasn't my fish-Elly was my mom's. I was there when it died, and I completely freaked out. I was walking by and said "Gee, why is Elly swimming upside down?" No, it wasn't dead yet, it's fins were still moving. So when I figured out that it was breathing it's last, I freaked out and went in my room and sobbed. I was on the rag. So now Elly's in my freezer, but I've rambled about that previously so I'll hush now.

Now that I've switched into my lovely English class which I'm going to flunk, I have the luck to sit next to this girl who I believe is convinced that I'm Satanic, which is a trifle difficult as I'm agnostic. Seriously, on Friday was she wearing this plaid pink shirt and I was wearing my Nightmare Before Christmas shirt, which is black (I need the Edward Scissorhands one now)...so, she pointed to my shirt and laughed. Naturally I was a wee bit on the confuzzled side and asked her what she was chortling about and she said because of our shirt colours. I don't know about you, but neither black (which isn't even a colour) nor pink send me spiraling into gales of giddy laughter. She elaborated saying how different they were, how mine matched me O_o;...then, I proceeded to give my goofy little speech on success as metaphor, which actually morphed into a little shallow exploration on the nature of concepts and the concept of success itself, which I based off a Che Guevara quote. After I was done, she complimented me on how it was dark like me. This same person also says all my stories are evil and "dark", simply because they have magic in them. Um, no. Yes, I do have some "dark" characters and themes and whatnot galumphing joyously about, but they're not COMPLETE angst-fests or anything...ye gods woman, get a grip. Ah well, at least she hasn't seen any of my Angel Sanctuary stuff or the weird-arse pictures of bloody people, insane people, suicide songs, and drag queens on my binders ^__^. My favourite Angel Sanctuary pic has to be this one character (dunno who it is-but they're wearing this off-whitish tunic-esquee thing over a tight little black thing and they have long gorgeous silver hair) wearing these sexy thigh high boots on their knees and appear to be holding a severed head. Can't really tell if it's severed of not, but it appears to be. If I ever find it on the web (it's in my postcard book that I got from my amiga Lina-chan, she of the quote "Mary went to a sperm bank" ^-^...yes, Lina's largely responsible for getting me into RPG's again (well, at least to where I figured out what I was doing), AND anime...indeed, many graciases [yeehaw, I just invented Spanish! Ole*! *=Kengo-style all the way baby ~_^] for letting me halfway live at your house and get drunk on Shinnosuke. Bwahaha, I can say his name now!), I'll be sure to rink to it or such.

2001-04-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Mieu-sama, I have now been exposed to the twin wonders known in some cultures as Symphony X and Rhapsody (those are 2 separate names, yo), which are progressive rock. Which is a good thing. X-Japan is progressive rock and as we all know, X makes me writhe with ecstasy (and I wouldn't mind writhing in ecstasy with Yoshiki. Mrowr. Or hide. But hide's sort of dead and rotted, so that could be rather...uncomfortable. No, I'm not usually this irreverent towards to poor hide-but heck, I don't know much that he himself took seriously; he was more than a little bit of a freak). Gaaaah, now I want to buy a CD...but want my skirt >_< (go dig through the lower posts on here if you want to know what I'm talking about)! ARGH! I need money...maybe I shouldn't be such a music whore. Although this one Rhapsody song had this really goofy spoken intro ^___^..."At the court of King Chaos, only blood can write its own tragedy...", spoken in this hilariously dramatic voice.

My Spring Break thus far has sucked. All my friends are gone and I don't have money. Il es no bueno. Hell, I haven't even gotten to sleep in yet O_o;...heh, I'm such a whiner. At least I'm not in school now, ne? Today I was so bored I took out the soapdish from my shower and cleaned the soap scum off with toothpicks. Other than that, I've been playing Princess Maker 2 obsessively, thanks to the Obsessed Fangirls ML, where it has effectively taken off the list...my daughter usually turns into a house wife, although once she turned into the rich guy's whore as her occupation (damn, I was trying to get her to become the royal concubine or a high-ranking prostitute), and then the OTHER time I had her all nice and set up to become this royal concubine and she had to go off and marry this farmer. She's worked on a farm, like TWICE in the entire game -_-;;...basically, I worked her at the sleazy bar and gave her protocol lessons up the wazoo, so she could be the more charming little whore on the face of the planet. Also, does anyone here know where I can get that super-kinky outfit that looks like a cross between something Kuja of FFIX and Sophia of Toshinden would wear? Yeah, the one on this page, the one that's talking about good clothes selection...actually, that outfit reminds me of this Fushigi Yuugi picture I saw...or maybe it was Ayashi no Ceres? I dunno, Ayashi no Ceres is usually somewhat kinkier, thanks in no small part to Tooya and his dead sexy little halter top and collar thing going on.

Speaking of farms, I FINALLY bear Harvest Moon: Back to Nature last night. Since I was such a good little suckup, they didn't evict me, my freaking ditz wife, and my kid. Nice to know, eh? Because of this, I REALLY need to find a new game...I should prolly restart BoFIII, seeing as I was retarded and got stuck in a dungeon where I suck too much to beat the boss but I don't have enough healing supplies to level up...and I need to finish Xenogears...and FFIX, although once again I waltzed through it as fast as I could, so my levels are too low. Crap. Actually, what I really want to do is either go rent Persona 2 or BoFIV, particularly Persona; I wanna see this much-touted Velvet Room. Sounds kinky as hell.

Once again, I've been having all sorts of weirdo dreams that seem to share once common theme-giving blowjobs. Don't look at me that way, I haven't read any yaoi doujinshi in quite a while, nor any good lemons. Yeesh, need to correct that sometime soon...still, it's really bizarre. And most of them involve beautiful-child-in-English-class. What IS it with that boy and my subconscious?! I don't think about him all that much during the day O_o;...it's really weird, now when I see him I feel like going and offering...nargh, I have problems. I really need to get back to Japan, so I can have weird erotic dreams about Soba instead. I'm sure he'd appreciate that.

I think I'm going to learn Esperanto. Sounds like a bloody picnic. I'm sure it'll help me in Japan. Oh well, I'm going to go sleep the sleep of the dead now...g'night minna, and sorry for Blogger still being evil...maybe I should switch to Diaryland-I could give hen na names to all my posts...

2001-04-01T19:11:00.000-07:00

WHY do we have Daylight Savings time? Why? I do hate it so, especially when I have to awaken early for weekly indoctrination -_-*...yeah, yeah, I know I'll get it back in the autumn, but I want it NOW, dammit! Gahh...besides, lots of foreign countries and even states have decided that it's unnecessary and insane...ah well, now I'm back to having a 16 hour time difference from Nihon, instead of 17...

Alright, my song of the minute to recommend to the masses is La'Cryma Christi's "Fashizumu"-and yes, that's katakana-English for Fascism, for those of ye who didn't catch that. Kind of a hen na name IMHO...eck, I'm not having much luck finding the lyrics, much less a translation. Ah well. Still, it's a cool song, and there are a couple of parts where it sounds like Malice Mizer, of all things O_o;..like, around the 1 minute to 1:20 mark...reminds me strongly of indies MM. Yes, I think today is going to be one of those lovely days where I sample random v-kei bands, so I can be even more in debt in Japan. It'll be fun.

Today at church this one guy who's practically my second father was telling me about one of his friends that he fought with in Vietnam. He said that after his experiences there he couldn't stand to hunt again, so he took to hunting hunters with a bow, so that it'd be a little bit more fair. After all, the animals don't have any weapons (well, of the caliber of a gun, anyway) so he decided he would be become their weapon. He didn't go around actually KILLING hunters, he'd just shoot 'em in the leg or such...but unfortunately, they caught him so now he's locked up. Isn't that tragic? Personally, I find the very idea devilishly appealing...yes, he does have odd friends. Then I noted how if you tweaked a few people's positions, have the church was sitting in a parabolic formation. Yes, I think Algebra 3/4/That's Trig was becoming an unhealthy influence on me.

One thing is for certain-if you live with someone who has severe ADHD, Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder PLUS Tourette's, life is always at least somewhat interesting. Particularly the Tourette's. No, my brother doesn't go around screaming random curse words, but he DOES yell out random things...like yesterday, he just said "Michael Jordan!" for absolutely no reason, out of the blue...no, plus the tics O_O;...oh, the tics...there's shrugging, today is was weirdo gesticulation, sometimes he'll just keep sneering repeatedly...it's just overall pretty darn weird.

Ah well, not so much to talk about today. And thank you Lauren for explaining that goofy analogy-but pedestrians are mundane O_o;? Or does the word pedestrian itself mean mundane? Sorry, I'm an idjit >_<;;;....

2001-03-31T23:51:00.000-08:00

Eeek. Blogger recently upgraded their systems, so as you can see, my sidebar has been completely and utterly SCREWED...not sure when I can have it back up again, seeing as my blog's so messed up that I cannot even edit my settings PERIOD >_<;...HOPEFULLY they'll get this fixed soon...so now it's a bit of a pain to find all my daily read blogs (aka all the ones on the sidebar), but I'll still doing it...oh well.

The SAT wasn't TOO terrible...albeit it truly sucked getting up at 6:40 on a fricking Saturday, but the test itself could've been a lot worse. I didn't even find the math section too heinous...of course, this could be a sign that I failed that miserably, but still I have hope. Gonna call in for my scores on the 13th...they had some seriously weird analogies on them...this one was PEDESTRIAN:IMAGINATION::...WTF?! I'm sorry, I see NO correlation -_-;;...maybe I'm just retarded, but...one thing rather annoying about the whole thing was that I was on the 4th floor of this super-ghetto high school, right up next to this elevated train track, on which a train had to go by every 20 minutes or so ::rolls eyes::...nice and conducive to testing, ne? One interesting thing was that I was testing in this English classroom...they had this one banner on the wall that said "Writing-to open a vein and bleed on paper." Yes, I do like that quote indeed. The students had also made all these little posters of famous poets, and this one Emily Dickinson one caught my eye, because it had a cutout of Dickinson's head stuck onto a traditional seraphim body. You know, the 6 wings, with two pointing downward, two pointing in the air, and two that appear to be flying? Eck, can't find a picture of it, but I DID find a scan of a traditional representation of Lucifer, who has 12 wings instead of 6...complete with the round Angel-esque head...was pretty weird, especially since they had glued it on a black background and made these little black construction paper things, that looked like skinny black wings, radiating out from it randomly...yes, I'm quite positive they were seraphic wings-they were quite ornately drawn. Just odd...they also had pasted this blob of fire over her head. It was pretty darn weird...eeek, too much Evangelion and Xenogears for meee~...but you know, if you do look at that picture of Lucifer, notice all the eyes on the wings-in the Xenogears Perfect Works book, 3 forms of Deus feature wings, and one of the forms has 12 wings with eyes on them...hrm...perhaps I should submit these little observations to Guardian Angels...yes, I'm one of those freaks who delights in picking out obscure mythological/religious things in video games. Bite me.

Our way home from the SAT was interesting as well (don't you just love how I hop happily from topic to topic?)-it was grand fun to open the windows and blast Cirque du Soleil accordian music from the show La Nouba at all the passerbys. Oh yeah, and we thought we were gonna get pulled over on the freeway by a cop, but he just wanted us to move because he was chasing someone else. I also decided to make a CD of the absolute weirdest music I own from TheWiseOne, just for blasting purposes for those days when you have children spouting excessive bass near you. I'm such a sadist.

I have been having VERY erotic dreams as of late, and I don't know what's causing them >_<...actually, I one about a week ago that was NOT erotic, it was bloody scary. It involved beautiful-child-in-English-class...I had told him something, and he became obsessed with the idea that it was a lie, even though it wasn't. He became enraged at me, twisted...I distinctly remember being locked in this stark dark blue room with only a phone, and him calling constantly, screeching at me horribly, that it was a lie, EVERYTHING'S a lie, liar, liar, scum, worthless...I got VERY upset, hearing him repeat all these things...then, I went to school in this same strange dark blue world and again all would do, what he was obsessed with, was making sure he knew I was liar who deserved to die, trying to make me wish to die. The really bizarre part of this is I've never seen him behave in such a fashion; I've never even heard him raise his voice before. He's never been anything but perfectly congenial to me...why am I thinking such thoughts?

2001-03-30T22:49:00.000-08:00

Bless you, Namco. ::bows:: Yesss, finally, more goofy religious symbolism and whatnot for meee~...no, seriously, I love Xenogears. Heh, I'd prolly like it even more if I could read my Perfect Works book...actually, this summer I'm gonna pick up the artbook if I can. No, Perfect Works ISN'T the artbook-the book is called something like "A Million Shards of Light" or whatever the Japanese translation of the chorus from "Small Two of Pieces" is.

Great quote of the day: "I'd sell my ovaries!", coming from a guy in my 4th period class who recently discovered how much you can get from selling your eggs and is insanely jealous that girls have much cash in them that gets wasted each month ^_^...of course, this guy is also doing a research project on menopause, so he's pretty entertaining to listen to.

Oi, today Sho had a little adventure. You see, Sho's mother is currently in Texas so Sho, she who has had her hateful driver's license for 2 days or so, had to go pick up her brother from school. To get to his school, I am supposed to turn on 16th Street and go straight down-easy as pie. Left at 2:32 or so, his school gets out at 2:50. Perfect. Instead, I turned on 8th, almost got killed once (but only once-I am impressed), and proceeded to get myself extremely and horribly lost, which also resulted in me freaking out, repeating obscenities over and over while wanting to kick myself for forgetting the cell phone. So, I turned into a church parking lot at 2:52, ran over to this air-brush place and called Bak-chan to go get my sibling...she couldn't, as she had a doctor's appointment to go to in 15 minutes. Wah. But she DID know where I was and managed to give me directions...so, eventually I got to my brother's school, which by this time was SWARMING with traffic, parked at the Mormon church next to it, and proceeded to go on a quest to find my brother, which took around 10 minutes or so. FINALLY I found him in a state of freaking out thinking that I had gotten into an accident and died (don't you just love the confidence in my driving abilities?) and then we went home happily, with Malice Mizer's Bara no Seidou blaring on the CD-player, just to piss off the jerks behind me spouting their crap ^_^. Aren't I one big fricking ray of sunshine? So, the moral of this story is there's one thing I hate more than driving-driving alone...ye gods >_<;;;;

I'd love to blog more, but unfortunately my Spring Break doesn't exactly start tomorrow-I have the SAT at 8 >_<**...so, I've drugged myself out happily and am gonna go crawl in bed. Oh yes, I'm also insanely jealous of Alruhi-she should be on her merry way to Greece quite soon. Ah well, my trip will be soon enough. So, expect more lovely rantings from the twisted little mind of moi ashita. Here are some very brief parting notes: I got Princess Maker 2 to work, but all my freaking daughters turn into homemakers. Nani?! I tried to her into a whore or an S&M queen...also, beautiful-child-in-English-class has a lovely smile, which I had never seen until today.

2001-03-28T23:31:00.000-08:00

My copy of Princess Maker 2 I downloaded from Gaming Depot refuses to work. I'm on Windows ME. Anyone have any suggestions for me? Any help would be much appreciated...

2001-03-28T23:29:00.000-08:00

I passed. I freaking passed my driving test, on the third try. Needless to say, I'm not wallowing in quite as much misery as I was yesterday. Actually, I didn't know at first if I passed...after the test, the lady (I had the same anal woman I had last time, if you can believe that >_<;...luckily, she didn't remember me~) had me pull over and started rattling off all the things I did wrong...finally, she asked if I had any questions, so I said "Um, did I pass?" The second she said yes I ceased listening and just absently nodded at her incessant prattle, bathing in the joy of the fact that I never have to drive again. No more parallel parking practice (paralleling is NOT fun when your vehicle happens to be a Durango O_o;;...'course, it seems small to when I was working with a bloody full-size van...my family has never owned a car in all the years I've been alive)...funny, I got my driver's license in order NOT to drive. This ensures my loan to go to Japan, so needless to say the security feels nice...heh, my mom was happier that I got it than I was...

I was right; beautiful-child-in-math-class is now officially beautiful-child-in-English-class. He wasn't there today because of a choir thing or some such, but I know for sure he's in there now...of course, it doesn't mean much, seeing as acknowledges my existence and will listen patiently and sympathetically while I ramble on, and is one of the few people how doesn't outright ridicule or belittle me for my bishounen obsession (Heh, he caught me doodling one day and we started talking about manga style characters...I was talking about how everyone thinks my guys look like girls, and he said, "Isn't that what they're supposed to look like?" ::beams:: Yessss, another person who at least doesn't recoil in revulsion automatically...)...but that's as far as it goes. I won't be sitting next to him in this class, so I'll have to be content to admire him from afar. But since it's an English class and we discuss things and such, perhaps I'll be able to learn more about him, this beautiful child who intrigues me. Oh yeah, he's the only person I know in the class who doesn't make me want to jab rusty forks into my eyeballs out of sheer frustration and annoyance. Joy.
YATTA! Today I received a postcard that Yuri-chan sent me from when she went to Universal Studios Japan in Osaka not too long ago...heh, it SCREAMS Yuri. She's this tiny kawaii little Japanese girl, and she sends me a postcard with a demonically grinning metal skull engulfed in flames. Ye gods, she rocks. Here's what it says:

Dear Abby-chan,
Hello! How are you doing? I'm pretty good thank you. Do you like this postcard? I love this! I bought this at Universal Studio Japan in Osaka, and wanted to mail someone, so I send you although it's not holiday nor celebration. The other day, Saki-chan gave me purikuras of Ueda and Soba which I put.
Bye! Yuri

No, unfortunately her English isn't as cute and Engrishish as Haru's (go dig through her archives ^_^), but the purikuras...okay, lemme explain-Ueda is the rather pretty brass club conductor, as well as one of the two male flutes at my Japanese school. Soba, if you're a new reader, is my drunken obsession, due in part to the fact that he's my muse, and the best flutist in the school (and quite frankly, the best flutist I've ever encountered at the high school level) And finally, Saki-chan is Ueda's current girlfriend and Soba's ex-girlfriend. Comprende? And yes, they all know me and vice versa. So, I was elated to get some pictures of my obsession...some rather weird ones, in some cases, but still happy the same. And one of Ueda-holding a copy of Malice Mizer's "merveilles" album-one thing I can say, the boy certainly has good taste, as he also likes La'Cryma Christi and some other delectable bands. So, I enjoyed seeing these little things...heh, along with the weirdo hiragana they drew that's a bit on the illegible side. June 14th....

Speaking of Japan, I'm making SOME progress in my valiant crusade to attend Higashi-well, sort of. My one most likely contact turned out to be a dead end, but he redirected me to someone else, who knows me. So, I left her a message, and HOPEFULLY she'll get back to me tomorrow or such so I can figure out if I'm going to have to go to the private school or not. Why can't this be SLIGHTLY easier? The main problem with it is I have to work on BOTH sides of this, both the US AND Japanese branches. Wish me luck, minna-I'm sure as hell gonna need it.

I'm think I'm gonna go to bed sugu...in other random notes, my mother called me a goth yesterday, and backed it up by the fact that I have a lot of black shirts, have black hair, and wear black eyeshadow. Yup, these things make me 100% freaking goth. Ye gods...it sounds a lot worse than it actually is. I don't heap on gobs upon gobs of eyeshadow-just a nice little subtle amount. And I dyed my hair black because I LIKE it black and it doesn't wash out as quick as purple does. Good lord...once again, I state that appearances do NOT make you something, contrare to popular belief...besides, I'm way to hyper and freakish to be a goth; of course, I'm sure I'm already being profiled by the school as one of those who who "belongs in antisocial peer groups on the fringes"...WTF? Yes, I got ahold my school district's little book on gangs and whatnot and I fit the category for an "at-risk" person. Ye gods, screw you, idiot administrators who slap a label on me that lines me up for crap because I look "threatening" or such. Yeah, as threatening as a a slab of cheese. When people give me crap, I don't usually think to get even-I just smile peculiarly to myself, knowing they'll get their own eventually, as that is sweeter than an revenge I could dole out. Just because I hate people doesn't mean I'm going to fricking gun a bunch of people down. Speaking of such, go read Kitsu's blog...sad. People are idiots, banding together in their miserable wave that sucks so many up. Hypocrites. I'm not approving of what he did, but I hope those people who would strip him of his humanity because of a mistake rot in the deepest recesses of Hell, if it exists. Sure, it's all fun and games until you're the beast, the naked vicious one. Reminds me of in Clan of the Cave Bear, when Ayla gets in trouble and the tribe she's spent most of her life with simply ceases to acknowledge her existence for her grave crime (you'll have to read it to find out what it is...yum, brains...), just like that. Boom, she's gone like that. People who you're one day smiling and joking with, and the next you're too vile for dogs to crap on. I hate people.

2001-03-28T00:02:00.000-08:00

I am not doing too hot. I ended up quitting band today, in order that my senior year isn't as hellish so I could take another class, but I did it on impulse and now I'm horribly distraught-I don't want to quit dammit, let me back in >_<...but I can't. Today was the deadline of the new trimester for changing classes, so any alterations after this point will result in an F for the switched class. In brief, I'm screwed and can't do a bloody thing about it. Bloody hell, I need to think before I act. Yes, it'll likely be better in the long run for my transcript, but I miss band already. I won't get to play my horn until I get back to Japan...yeah, I know, it doesn't sound like much, but I love playing euphonium, and I hate this with a passion. Not to mention thanks to my darling period I'm moody as hell and bloated monstrously, which adds another bit of fun into my already body dysmorphic disorderly self...I hate this. I hate feeling fat-I start to loathe myself more. Don't have hardly any time to blog, thanks to the fact that Spring Break is next week and all the teachers seem intent on cramming in as much as they possibly can before it...sorry I'm so whiney tonight, but I've had a bad day and I need somewhere to spill it. It's times like this when I wish I had someone who could just hold me and I could cry freely, and they wouldn't mind. I do know someone who would do that for me, but he's not here...close friend of mine. I need someone just to tell me it's alright to cry, to hold me while I shudder until everything's all out.

There IS a good thing concerning this English thing, I suppose. Beautiful-child-in-math-class is about to turn into beautiful-child-from-English-class. And no, that's NOT why I switched-I didn't realize the little coincedence until after the fact. The teacher's also fun, and so the class is guaranteed to be interesting, even if we have to read crap like A Farewell to Arms (Yeehaw! Amputee sex was never this great!) and whatnot. Ah well...it IS 1st period, so I'm going to have to get reacquainted with actually thinking at 7:35 in the morn (yup, that's the time my school starts >_<...)...

Oi, sorry to hear about your horrific little hospital adventure, lauren...that sounds more than mildly evil. But hey, at least you found someone to take you to the hospital, ne? And now we know what the cause is...personally, I'd never heard of that before, nor an ampallang for that matter. Yes, that site did indeed edumacate me swiftly, oh yes. Kind of reminds me of when I went to this castration site...gotta love the background!

In a final brief note, I get to take my driving test for the third time tomorrow. I have this huge wave of dread forming...I don't think I'm going to pass. I'll try my best, and maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised, but don't expect a happy post tomorrow. MAYBE tomorrow won't be as crappy as today was; it's days like this when I really miss Japan, when I truly long just to pack up and leave all my troubles here at home and I can go eat marble pocky, karaok until my throat bleeds, and talk about Malice Mizer and people actually knowing what I'm talking about for once, a country where when I say I like yaoi I'm not automatically assumed to be some sort of mutant. Oh well. Anyways, wish me luck, and perhaps I'll have some time to post soon...have lots of evil history crap to study for, so don't expect much. Sorry for being so annoying tonight, minna...I want to go somewhere and cry. Maybe I will, then fall asleep and dream of someone letting me cry on them...the only problem being I have to wake up.

2001-03-25T23:22:00.000-08:00

Die, Geocities. No, APPARENTLY my links to my lovely clothing did not work, thus I've whipped up a little page for ye to view them upon. Bwahaha, I am one sexy mutha. Or something. HOPEFULLY it'll work...oi, I should get meself a domain and such...it would likely illuria.net, if anything, if that's taken, shosetsu.org. No, not named after me, named after my beloved Illurian character Shosetsu. Speaking of little pages, I should prolly make one for all those Japan pictures I posted a while ago...oh, if you want a beautiful song to listen to, go download X-Japan's "Tears", preferably a live version if you can-quite sad, if you know that Yoshiki wrote it to his father, who hung himself and then little Yoshiki found him, and was later dedicated to hide. Why do a lot of my Japanese bands seems to be so tragic O_o;? I mean, good lord, there's the whole hide thing with X-Japan, Kami of Malice Mizer died of a brain hemorrage...at least I can't think of anything tragic for Luna Sea, but then again they're now disbanded >_<...oh well, if that's what they felt they needed to do, then I support their decision, no matter how much I may rail against such. Oh well, got school tomorrow, so I shall go. Only one more week until spring break for moi...! Waitasec, got a couple more notes. Called Yuri-chan, she wasn't home, so I talked to her mom and all is well there. Apparently, Nishinomiya is NOT close to Hiroshima-it's several hundred kilometres away, and we also discussed my plot to get myself into Higashi High School once more. She also said that there's a possibility that this other school would take me if I couldn't get into Higashi, which is good. Except there's one problem: it's an all-girl school >_<;;;;...argh...I HOPE I can get into Higashi...also, I plan on calling the Sister City Society tomorrow and seeing if I can't get myself endorsed or whatnot-I hope so, considering they picked me to be a representative last year! Just gotta remember to behave somewhat normally and diplomatically-that's what got me picked in the first place, ne? So Yuri's mom and I collaborated on our battle plans for the moment (she's crusading on my behalf at the Japanese branch of the Sister City Society-arigatou gozaimasu! ::bows::), and we're gonna see what we can do. Wish me luck tomorrow, minna...I HAVE to get into Higashi...

2001-03-25T16:36:00.000-08:00

Uh oh. Sho went shopping yesterday, and as usual it resulted in me wanting some clothes that I'm too poor to buy. Actually, the "usual" should be clarified. It's not usually clothes I want; usually CD's, books, and games. For clothes, I'm one of those people who goes shopping for clothing only when her own clothing is too faded and/or has too many holes to wear in public, OR I've either under/outgrown said article of clothing. So, whenever I DO find something that strikes my fancy, I generally impulsively buy it. But I can't now, so I must SAVE! Curious what these lovely articles of clothing are? They would be this skirt and this lovely corset top. Sekushii, ne? Well, then there's also this dress, which I actually borrowed from someone from school for a speech-I like it much. Tried on the skirt yesterday and it fit me perfectly-usually straight skirts don't because I have giant hips, but these had a pinch of spandex in 'em so they worked nicely...need to try on the top next time I go to el mall. The skirt's $46 and the top's $44, and I plan to get both to be part of my lovely Japanese live-house clothing ensemble...bwahaha, I shall BATHE in indie visual kei-ness! Now, I need to figure out some good kinky shoes-I don't think my goofy pseudo-combat boots will suffice...

Did ye all hear about the 6.4 earthquake they just had most recently in Hiroshima? I'm gonna call Yuri-chan as soon as it's not too early to see if all's well-I certainly hope so. She doesn't actually live in Hiroshima, but I don't think it's all too far from Nishinomiya...actually, when I was there, there was a quake and my family called, all freaked out that I was dead or something, and I hadn't even felt the thing. Still, it's nice to know that they CARED if I was dead or not...

I'm currently downloading Princess Maker 2, so soon I can ramble about what a freak I'm going to turn my kid into. Actually, I prolly won't at first. In games, I tend to play things STRICT by the rules and such, so she'll likely turn into an über-refined artiste or a scary badarese general chica. Personally, I think it'd be fun to turn her into an S&M queen the first time through, but I doubt I'll do that the first time I play this through. I mean, just LOOK at me in Harvest Moon: it's the 3rd winter and my son just turned 1, my wife is disgustingly happy and gushy (oh well, it's Popuri, what do you expect?), I have exactly 10 sheep, 10 cows, and 10 chickens; a fish pond, a hothouse full of pineapples, a horse, a dog, a nice fence, a shed full of wood and fodder...I'm positively sickening. Still, I don't want to be kicked out of the village, oh yes, and I'm a monster suckup-EVERYONE is constantly getting gifts from me. And I'm filthy rich. I need to live a little...you know, it's a shame they don't have a shounen-ai version of this game-it'd be cute. Heh, I doubt THAT'D see a US release...I can see the fundies scrabbling all over THAT one...

You know what song I truly adore? Loreena McKennitt's "The Mystic's Dream"-DAISUKIIII~! Actually, I just plain love Loreena McKennitt in general-pick up "Parallel Dreams" or such if you want to give her a try. Probably part of the reason why I love her so is she's GREAT for my writing, especially for characters like Nova and Fallon in The Stars Above Lead Us to Hell...speaking of them, other great muse music for that story is on the Cirque du Soleil Mystere LIVE CD-the last song and the tightrope song freaking RULE. Plus my quintessential favourite, "Egypte"-heh, last year I was able to record a duet with myself of it...too bad I lost it, plus it wasn't exactly perfect, thanks to timing issues. I dunno, this particular story is more angsty than most of the stuff I produce, plus you end up with a lot of freaky insane red-haired people running around (the reason why this is odd is because the colour red is not present in the world in this story, in it's direct form at least, and yes, there's an important reason for this...) killing people and whatnot. Not to mention the mounds of bishounen and hermaphrodites, who I suppose you could call bishounen AND bishoujo. I REALLY to need post something on it...maybe I will sometime soon.

Ever since I've gotten my futon I've been having seriously weird dreams...last night was one such. I don't remember it all clearly, but it dealt with beautiful-child-in-math-class whom I miss leering at playing FLUTE-yup, finally my mental perceptions of he and Soba got all nice and churned up together. Only a matter of time, ne? And for some odd reason we were in the Caribbean, at Miko-chan's house, who's my ex-co-euphonium that I used to be drunkenly obsessed with. Miko-chan doesn't even LIVE in the Carribean-the closest he comes to that is going to the Bahamas every year! For some odd reason, I can only remember random images...I should really start a dream journal, you know? It was EXTREMELY pleasant though, despite all the weirdness and the disturbing fact that my subconscious is happily melting Soba and beautiful-ex-math-child into one entity >_<;;;...NO! They are NOT the same person-quite far from each other, actually...and as far as I know, math-child doesn't play flute-he plays electric bass and can sing. Soba might play bass too (I don't know if he does or not), he CAN sing, and plays flute, but I don't know about the first...augh...I need to get a grip. Too much Japan on the brain, as usual.

One more note before I go to all ye who've been ICQing me-don't be scared of me. I get a lot of freaky 30-year-old Arab guys hitting on me as of late and greeting me by asking for my authorization, so I can be rather...brusque at times. If you wish to talk or add me to yer list, just identify yourself and I won't be hostile if I know who you are. And I know quite well that I could avert all the Arab guys if I went into Invisible mode, but I have reasons to not be, at least for a while. Just a wee message for all y'all~

Gah, I went to the book store yesterday to get The Iron Dragon's Daughter but it wasn't there...plus the library was closed, dangit...ah well, hopefully I can get it soon...

2001-03-24T13:22:00.000-08:00

Bless the Girl Scouts and their cookies. Yeesssss, I finally got in my beloved Girl Scout cookies. When they start selling them at the front of grocery stores, here are my recommendations: Thin Mints, my quintessential favourite, Trefoils (formerly known as Shortbread), Samoas (these too had a different name so many years ago), and...eh, the Peanut Butter ones if you want. But definitely get the Thin Mints, Shortbread, and Samoas. Oishii desu.

2001-03-24T12:00:00.000-08:00

I found a lovely song for the masses-Boa's opening for the anime Serial Experiments Lain, "Duvet". Very calming and not too loud, but I like it much. Find it odd though that it's an anime OP in English, but still, it's a nice change.

Ohhh boy. Got an e-mail from Yuri-chan this morning that her mother had talked to the Nishinomiya school board about me attending as an unsponsored student. The reaction? "Er, we've never had to deal with this situation before...so we don't want to deal with it.". Bah, I can already see where THIS is going: Sho vs. The Nishinomiya Board of Education. Heh, I'm certainly reckless enough to plunge into something insane like that. No, this battle will have to be waged and won by sheer diplomacy...which ought to be a picnic for me, as I'm one of those people who can be so very calm about things but inwardly I want to go in, guns brandished and in the air. Ah well, I think I can do it. I'm probably going to see if I can't get my exchange organization just to endorse me; not to actually send me as their own exchange student, seeing as I'm financing this trip entirely myself (they paid for it last year), but just to kind of slap their label on me so I'm more "genuine" or something. Of course, I'm sure that this has the potential to result in diplomatic duties, which means ::drumroll:: SPEECHES! ::cringes::...no, speeches are not good things in the least; if there's one thing I loathe, it's being the centre of attention. Of course, there's also a great possibility that they'll think I'm just some crazed Nihonophile who's waaa~y too hung up on the country (which is quite true) and laugh me off...but I don't want to think about that possibility, even though it's there. Funny how I can just dismiss my prevaling pessimism at times when it's not conducive to my goals, ne? But I will fight my way through this one if need be...heh, Yuri-chan and her mother suggested that since whenever they talk to these officials about my situations they resort to twisting words in Japanese, I write to them in English, because I can definitely twist more so than them in my native language. Is it cheating? Hell yeah. But will I do it? Prolly. Blarg, time to go get on my armor and prepare for a little war...'course, I can't make them hate me; on the contrary, I have to charm them off their feet >_<...ye gods, I do NOT like this approach one bit! ::gnaws at the bit:: But...I'll do it. It's worth it. Bloody hell, I didn't bite the bullet and subject myself to driving again for no reason...!

"Gov. Ronnie Musgrove signed a law Friday mandating that public schools display "In God We Trust" in classrooms, cafeterias and auditoriums.
"Our nation was founded as a godly nation and we put it on our money, 'In God We Trust'", said Musgrove, who signed the bill despite the threat of a lawsuit by the American Civil Liberties Union.
The ACLU maintains that requiring a reference to God in public classrooms violates the constitutional guarantee of separation of church and state......
The law, which takes effect July 1, says the slogan must be displayed on a framed background of at least 11-by-14 inches. Legislators did not provide any money for the schools to buy "In God We Trust" posters or plaques. However, the American Family Association plans to donate 32,000 "In God We Trust" posters and is looking for businesses or others to buy frames for them, state AFA president said."

That was most of the article from my newspaper this morning. Now, let me restate my position on religion, since many people seem to misinterpret it: I am not anti-religion. Religion does not bother me, as long as religion stays away from me. However, the moment religion is crammed down my throat and/or its tenets enforced upon me, expect there to be hell to pay. If you're one of those who thinks that if you're not for something you're against it, than feel bloody free to think of me as anti-religion. Heh, funny-the AFA, the above-mentioned group in the article had this little thing in an article on their site:

Today, cases striking religious practices in public places abound (e.g., school prayer, creche displays in public parks, public display of the Ten Commandments, etc.). Indeed, so careful are federal courts to guard against any vestige of religion in the public square that they have even stricken a display of portions of the Declaration of Independence, the preamble to a state constitution, and the national motto ("In God We Trust") from the walls of a public school because it "endorses religion"...

That's probably because it DOES endorse religion. I do not want to be associated with the slogan "In God We Trust", because I am agnostic, and am not certain that God does exist. I haven't seen enough proof to prove that he does or does not exist to make a judgement, and I seriously doubt there ever will be proof-maybe the proof is beyond the grasp of mankind...yes, I'm dead-mild-of-the-road on this one; I'm neither a theist nor an atheist agnostic. My favourite line on there has to be "Can the lions be far behind?"...sounds more to me like "Can the Crusades be far behind?", or perhaps the stake or Inquisition...religion feels ever so oppressed, but do they realize that through their lashing out at their supposed "oppression" is oppressing others? Still, I'm sure it's true both ways; if I was Christian, I'd feel oppressed too. It just depends on which way you look at it, I suppose; neither is right. Of course, if these people were told to put down their signs, than that would also be violating free speech, my most beloved of rights, even though I truly don't get to exercise it yet...no, you can't have free speech and discriminate against any one group, because it violates the entire principle. Indeed, once again the other edge of free speech that people don't like to see is rearing its head: free speech means that people can say things that you don't agree with...heh, it's sad-yes, I'm railing against this internally because of my own strong personal bias concerning religion, but yet I think free speech should be upheld, despite how much I hate this. Is it forcing religion on people to post the 10 Commandments and whatnot? No. But, however, it is NOT right to bloody MANDATE posting them-THAT is forcing your opinion on someone. Thank goodness I don't live in Mississippi...however, I cannot help but wonder how close Alabama and Louisiana, two states that I've lived it, the latter being my own home state, are to this...maybe one day I can wipe out my own personal bigotry against religion...I try to look at things from each side of the issue, because bigotry destroys one's credibility. Still, I don't have to agree with things...

Here's a note to all those Christians who hear about me from my parents and crap-don't bother praying for me. Just please don't do it-it bothers me that you'd even bother to mention me in your prayers. I'm a little girl who's chosen her path, and if it ends out the Bible's true and such, then I suppose I'll spend my days in eternal damnation. But you know what? Even if I was still a professed Christian, I think if the Day of Judgement happened, I'd end up the same way. The only difference between me now and then is a label. Does it scare me? Yes. I've been indoctrinated since the day I was brought into the world of what happens to those who defy God and His tenets, and I don't know if it'll ever be truly possible to rid myself of those influences and chains that bind me. Bah. I'll stop whining now. Indeed, half the time I think this blog is nothing more than my own personal political and religious rant area. But what's a blog for? It is your own; why am I apologizing for using my own space the way I wish to? Blimey, I really need to stop apologizing for being me, no matter how repungent I may be to others or myself. I may be a pathetic little jellyfish, but it's what I am, so I should deal with it.

Ah, a happy belated 19th birthday to Miyu also...

You know what song I love? Luna Sea's "Providence"...

The decorated people gathered up, unpainted faces forgotten
The mainspring called 'Time' ruled the world

If the mother of this sinful Eden were here,
She would scold the young child, she would shed tears

Can no one make an arc to abruptly end this?
Without giving up fate, break time
I just want to say this...

It's not angry; it's very quiet and somewhat melancholy, accompanied by Ryuichi sounding mournful and Sugizo on violin. "I just want to say this...."...my favourite part is at the very end, where Ryuichi just moans "I just want...", trailing off and sounding like he's just died, repeating his perpetual mantra. Albeit on the live version of it on the "Never Sold Out" CD-set he sounds drunk, but I still love it. Thank you Yuujin, for introducing me to it. Maybe that'll be the story of my life-I finally find my causes and then just repeat them unto my dying breath. A romantic dream, ne? Although in all likelihood it'll prolly be more like some person who doesn't agree with me will come and stab me in the gut and I'll die coughing up black-red globs of blood in a filthy alley. Which would be no less than I deserve, of course.

2001-03-22T23:38:00.000-08:00

"I know you've come to kill me. Shoot, coward, you're only going to kill a man." - Che Guevara

Yes, I do love that quote. Why? Because it exemplifies one of my favourite pieces of knowledge-they can kill everyone who thinks a thought, supports a cause, mow them all down like freaking cattle, but you can never kill the thought itself, and so in the end the dead will win, and they die smiling, knowing this.

Just take the pill, it'll make you clever, it'll make you brighter, it'll make you safe
Just choke it down now, we can all join hands & smile & be the same
Just take the pill, it'll make you happy, it'll make you happy, it'll make you sane
Just take the pill, it'll make you better, it'll make you better, it'll make you stale.. - The Mercy Cage, "The Reflecting Skin"

Welcome to the magical world of mental healthcare, boys and girls, where all your dreams are destroyed but you smile prettily afterwards like a good little child.

2001-03-22T20:56:00.000-08:00

Yaarg. Yes, I do like BlogVoices indeed. Join the cult!

Okay, minna, I have a program. You know how I'm always constantly harping on socialism and such? Generally, I agree with all their views, but I'm not quite sure what I make of the issue of abortion. On one hand, I do not like the idea of women killing their in-utero children for conveniance or such; but on the other hand, people should be free to make whatever decision they choose, and even if abortion was delegalized, people would still continue to get them, albeit it'd likely be a lot less safe. I don't know what to think...here I am, straddling the issues, as usual; heh, I'm agnostic, what do you expect? If you abort a child, you just cut tragically short the life of what could've been a productive, intelligent human being who could've possibly improved the lot of mankind. Yeah, unlikely, but still, that chance's there. Or, you could've just killed another worthless idjit whose only purpose in life is to leech off of resources and is basically a waste of flesh. No one will ever know, obviously. Still, the idea of someone telling me what I can and cannot do with my body raises my hackles. Erk, I hate being indecisive-I'm used to having my mind made resolute about things, which isn't always a good thing; it's probably a good idea to keep your options open, your mind and thoughts open, and I have the habit of making sweeping declarations/vows that I hate myself for if I break. If you can't be true to yourself, who CAN you be true to? . The problem people have with socialism is they assume it means that you have to have everything from toilet paper to bread distributed equally...plus, they assume it's synonymous with communism, which is definitely isn't. Yes, they share many of the same ideals and such, but there are fundamental differences; for one, socialists are pacificists, and communists advocate violent revolution, if necessary. Communism is sort of like the left-wing counterpart of fascism, the way I see it...and neither are good. Both do not want freedom of speech, etc...so, I'm more of a socialist than anything, no matter how much crap I get for it. I don't care-those are my views, and I'm just as entitled to them as anyone else is. When people talk of how Marxist theory has been seen to fail, they're only half correct-those governments (such as Russia's, and China's) have NOT been true socialist or communist governments. Lenin had started integrating some capitalistic ideas, plus Stalin just plain messed everything up. China calls itself socialist, but it's actually communist, seeing as how they treat religion, have a large military, etc...blah, I'm going to stop my goofy rant now. This poor blog has turned into Sho's Scary Political Editorial Page of Doom or something.

Haven't seen any amusing editorials in the newspapers as of late to post and ridicule, unfortunately. There WAS a mildly amusing one today about how the liberals are to blame for all the world's problems, but not quite enough for me to skewer it. Ah, screw it, I'm going to go back to political rants once again >D. Eeeek, fear this party-::screams::...yesss, the age-old battle of the radicals versus the reactionaries. Okay, I just thought I'd share that with all ye...

Onto the lovely search things for this page...I've gotten a couple of amusing ones-someone search for "red lobster sunset passion coladas" (whoever you are, you rock), and for "elephant nose fish pictures"...maybe I should fish Elly's corpse out of my freezer just for them? And of course, the most common search term is STILL consistantly "kuja yaoi", which no one should be surprised at. No REALLY freakish ones as of late, unfortunately, but we can only hope.

Also, what the heck is with the sodomy law in Texas O_o;?! ::dies:: I could have LOTS to say about this, but I'll refrain from it, just because it would get long and ugly. Suffice to say that I do not agree with it in any form or such...people should be free to have sex with whatever gender they choose, thank you much, and the state should have no say in such activities. Yes, if I lived in a religious nation, I would be either dead or deported (hopefully the latter) by now. Funny, my inept city was choosing a new city council member and they felt it necessary to question him about his sexual behavior, I'm supposing in a valiant attempt to make sure that we're not represented by "deviants". Screw you. No, that's not exactly how they phrased it (the exact terms used escape me at the moment; I'll comb through my newspapers and try to find it), but that was basically what it amounted to. Bloody hell, if I weren't so young I'd be letting the fur fly...but since I'm 17, it's always brushed off as the ravings of a "sexually confused teenager", so I'll just keep my mouth shut for the time being, or at least more quiet. Besides, I'll save my family of being embarrassed by their black-sheep daughter; they'd be horrified and blame it on my books and music, like they do already. And church would be more of a delight than it currently is, of course; everyone would feel the need to "guide the lost", more so than they do already, and be horrified that I'm associated with their church. Now, wouldn't it be a pretty picture if I got excommunicated or such? That could be interesting, oh yes...although I'm rather certain that my family would disown me in the process, unfortunately. Okay, I'll stop now; this has turned into one of those pathetic selfish whiney-little-princess rants about church and my family that seem to pop up all too frequently here. But why should it bother me? I'm a disgustingly immature creature with disgustingly immature ideas; I'm more than aware of this. Why do I care? I'm surprised that no one on here's flamed me massively for my childish whining yet. Bloody hell, why can't I just be intelligent and mature? I'd truly enjoy that. Intelligence would be such a boon, as opposed to this state of perpetual complex stupidity I'm stuck in. When I talk to or hear people only a year older than me, I feel so very young and green, even though they're not much older than me. Why is this? Do all of y'all find me disgustingly immature, one of those shallow little creatures you would spit upon except for the fact that they're not worth spitting upon? I'm just an insecure, thumb-sucking little girl stuck in this 17-year-old body who's struggling desperately to be the person she wants to be, the person she thinks, hopes, she is, but can't quite grow the spine to be...

Let me fall
Let me climb
There’s a moment when fear
and dream must collide

Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear them

All I ask
All I need
Let me open whichever
Door I might open

Let me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise

I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains

Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear them

Let me fall
If I fall
There’s no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall

~fin~

2001-03-21T23:23:00.000-08:00

I think I've stumbled across something interesting-I was playing around with my lovely Final Fantasy VI piano book (yes, some books are overpriced [such as my ChronoTrigger piano book], but they're insanely fast), I happened to look at the katakana under Celes's name (which is quite clearly printed as "Celes" in romaji in the book)-it's not Celes, it's Serisu! Now, romanized, wouldn't that be Cerise rather than Celes? To be Celes, it have to be "Seresu", ne? The way I pronounce it and the way I found the majority of American fans say it is basically the name "Celeste" without the "te" on the end...when I get to Japan, I'll ask some people there, but I now think that Celes's name was actually Cerise mistranslated somehow...besides, her last name (Chere) is French, so why not her first name too? Personally, I have nothing against the name "Celes"-quite frankly, I think it's lovely and it has a very good chance of becoming on the middle names I'm going to get added into my name next year sometime...still, it's one of things that irks me...of course, I'm also partial to the name Cerise because she's the main character in Bloody Rose...dunno if I should get Cerise or Celes added in...I like them both...

Thought of the day: what is the point of initiations? Today, in my weirdo Passages class, I had a little flock of sophomore girls chatting behind me about the recent cheerleading tryouts, of which they participated in...they were all discussing the initiation...so, what I'm wondering is, why do people feel the need to make others suffer/humiliate them/etc in order to say they're "officially" in a club? Do they get some sort of sadistic pleasure from it? It seems rather immature to me-if you do this, THEN you can be in our exclusive little club; it reeks of kindergarten. Personally, if someone did that to me, I'd laugh at them outright and tell them precisely what I thought of their stupid little games. And don't throw that "it's tradition" crap at me-because that's exactly what it is, crap. Someone came up with it years ago and it was stupid, and the stupidity of it did not fade over time. So dumb...that's one of the reasons why I will not join a sorority at college-I think the whole initiation concept is dumb, and want to be associated with creatures who endorse it, to say that I subjected myself to something idiotic just so I could slap a label on myself. No, it's not happening. Any comments on this one or defences for it? If you do have any, please feel free to post them on my goofy little discussion thing-I'd be most interested to hear any arguments FOR this. Speaking of that class, I get to do a research project on obsessive/compulsive disorder, my personal specialty. Actually, I asked for schizophrenia first, but the teacher said I needed to pick something that affects more people, so I figured that this would work. I know one group's topic is homosexuality, so I'm kind of cringing already-they said they're going to be interviewing someone...I hope they do it right-I'm rather worried, as from my seeing that my school's general consensus on such is that it's bad, and the idea of two guys going at it or even being together as a couple period seems to repulse them (and here I am, getting off on it O_o;)...and we all know that a lot of people consider me gay, even though I'm hetero (you COULD call me bisexual if you wanted to pick at technicalities, but I don't think I am...borderline, maybe, but I don't truly consider myself one-it just depends on your interpretation of the term)...so, hopefully, it won't be inflammatory-Sho would not be a happy camper.

Also today, I got into a fun discussion with my mother over socialism, and why she doesn't like it. My main beef with her thoughts is that the idea of owning land doesn't make much sense to me; land cannot be truly owned, it's not a possession-it was there long before you were, and now you're claiming it? Gahhh...heh, it's rather ironic that I'm such an environmental freak, as bloody Big Oil is what feeds and clothes me...I wish I was a better debater-my points tend to be rather vague, making me ineffective.

Eh, I think I'll go to bed now-don't have too much to say tonight, ne? On another note, I am scheduled to take my driving test on Wednesday-hopefully the third time'll be a charm...plus, I'm currently trying to talk the Japanese school system into letting me attend their school while not being officially sponsored by an exchange program. Wish me luck...

2001-03-20T23:48:00.000-08:00

Shoujo Kakumei Utena has to have some of the weirdest titles for songs on soundtracks, right on par with Final Fantasy Tactics just for sheer weirdness...my favourite of the moment is "Ensuikei Zettairan Algebra"..as for Tactics, that dubious honour belongs to "Bloody Excrement" and "The Pervert"...well, the "Theme of Perversion" on the Suikoden OSV's is a little weird, too...any others? Then again, "The Cruel Angel's Thesis" isn't precisely normal, either...how I love Japan ^_^!

Okay minna, I have a question open to suggestion for the masses-I need some new bands to listen to, and I'd appreciate some suggestions. Personally, my tastes are around Cirque du Soleil (My favourite show music from them is Quidam, hands down, but I also love Dralion and the Mystere LIVE CD MUCH...and yes, I have heard all of them), Malice Mizer, X-Japan, L'Arc~en~Ciel, Dir en grey, Noir Fleurir, Evangelion music, Yasunori Mitsuda stuff, some Metallica, Sanguis et Cinis, Illuminate, Sarah McLachlan, and others. Basically, I love angsty semi-Goth rock, and anything pipe organ/accordian/opera is good in my books. Language has absolutely NO bearing-my likes range from plain old English to Japanese to German to Hebrew...eclectic is good too. I'm pretty much open to most stuff, so make some suggestions if you will ^_^!

Also note that I have joined the ranks of the lemmings and got a discussion thingy for this blog, so if you want to respond to anything I post, feel free to scrawl it on there-not too hard and less hassle than mentioning it in your own blog post, if you choose to do so. So, go post so I don't feel like such a loser.

Today was another day of culinary delights, with today the objects of cookage being crab rangoon and portobello mushrooms, all of which were oishii. I got bored just sealing wonton wrappers though, so I crammed some chocolate chunks and toffee in one of 'em and cooked it-not bad in the least. Maybe I should try it was cheese and spices of such? There are so many things you can do with deep-fried wontons...indeed, I am a cooking freak of the most frightening variety ^_^.

In my weirdo Passages class today, we took a sort of personality inventory and I was...a Beaver. One of two people in the class who was such...anyway, the teacher told us about all of them, and I am now officially Sho the Uber-Beaver. Seriously, it's scary how much I fit into it-I'm an analytical, frighteningly serious, perfectionistic little freak, to the nth degree. Some weird departures it though...basically, they said that the ultimate Beaver is one of the people who irons their underwear...they're basically INSANELY organized...IMHO, everything is best when it's all spread out nicely on the floor, for very easy access...still, kind of amusing, she said one suggestion for this personality type is to freaking LIGHTEN UP and BE FLEXIBLE...perhaps I should once in a while...might be healthy for my ulcer.

I just found out that my Dark Name for my actual name is "Intellectual Knight"..how weird is that? Personally, I think "Half-Winged Bloody Angel of Justice" or some such would be more fitting, but I suppose I'll recover from the pain. Speaking of bloodwings and other things, I was playing FFIX again yesterday and fought the Nova Dragon...couldn't help but notice it's red-tipped wings. Yes my children, THOSE would be bloodwings. Actually, probably the inspiration for my coining of the term "bloodwing" is this lovely picture, done by the ever-talented Jen Zee...I love it ^_^! Yes, obsession is bad...I still haven't actually given any characters of mine bloodwings, though-scary black devil wings, yes, but no bloodwings...heh, I'll have to correct that soon ~_^...

Since I've gotten ICQ on my new PC, I've seem to have a sudden influx of weird 30-year-old foreign guys hitting on me...I think the best though was this American guy, who apparently liked my goofy little blurb I wrote about antipodism (if you're curious, my ICQ name is Hikari no Yami) and wanted to talk philosophy or some such...of course, the method by which he went about it was in PERFECT AOL speak, which most of you know I absolutely ABHOR...I'm sorry, but AOL-ben makes you sound like a complete moron...so, I asked him to speak English please, and he only responded in MORE AOL-crap...thus, the moral of this story is, if you want to talk to me, PLEASE speak decent English. Hell, you don't even have to speak English if you don't want to-I won't be discussing philosophy in Japanese, I can assure you-just PLEASE type normally...it's not too hard to type out "you" instead of "u", and it looks a lot less stupid.

I think I've turned into a blog pimp. Just LOOK at all those blogs on the side-yes, for the curious, I DO in fact read them all daily-FEAR me. Oh well, it feels nice to be linked, to know that at least a couple people think that your own miserable daily life is worth a couple minutes of their time-at least I'm doing something worthwhile by giving people a good laugh. Anyways, be sure to go visit some of those linked blogs-all very interesting people.

Dear me...Tengu, today I discovered that you were female. Don't ask me why, but for some reason I'd had the notion stuck in my hollow little head that you were male O_o;;...heh, sorry, I just wanted to share that. But really, I do wonder why I assumed that. You don't SOUND masculine, whatever masculine sounds like-I don't particularly notice any division of writing styles and such by gender...so why would I do such a thing? Yes, I'm a freak dujour. Oh well, I should prolly go to sleep-I fell asleep in history today, which is NOT a good thing, so I'll try to go get 6 or so hours of sleep before I jump back into the famed hamster wheel tomorrow. 'Night, minna...and yes, I DO love having my nice British spellings on my computer that I love so dearly without ANYONE changing them. Now, if only I could be so lucky with the the little US Custom/Metric measures in the car...

2001-03-19T23:36:00.000-08:00

Here's an interesting an poetic blog for all ye...

2001-03-19T23:34:00.000-08:00

Hoi, today was the first day of the new trimester-not too terrible. 4th period, which WAS previously my much-touted chemistry class from the deepest recesses of hell, is now some class called "Passages", which is basically about families, life, death, etc...not people in there informing me on my remarkable lack of ability to speak English or that I'm ugly yet, although I know absolutely no one, so it'll likely be a long lonely tri. Sure, I could do something about it, but I'm quite frankly scared to death of talking to people I don't know. If they come up to me, I usually get incredibly defensive and have this "hunted" look..the teacher seems nice enough-she said we don't have to participate in group-discussions if we don't want to, which makes me glad-I absolutely LOATHE having to talk in front of people, because they tend to gang up on me and form a verbal lynch mob of sorts...if I refuse to back down, I turn into a "bitch" or some other sort of bad person. But then again, why do I care? WHY?! I should be above such-I *KNOW* I can be better than this simpering whining creature that I am, this creature who wants so desperately to be an individual, to NOT be afraid of what people think, but in the end is just another pathetic excuse for a human.

Oh, yes, I DO like the new layout, Tengu-I don't have to highlight the text to read it anymore ^_^! And yours too, Mud-very nice indeed. I would change mine, if I wasn't so lazy and would actually go out and learn HTML.

Ah, I'm glad that Lauren knows what I mean about church and crap...lately I've been exhorting to my family that what I hate is more organized religion, rather than religion itself, and that it'd be a lot nicer if they just subjected me to my weekly indoctrination at home, instead of plunging me into the viper pit known as "church"..ah well, I can see why they do-if you're surrounded by people who share your beliefs, you're safer, as there are power and safety in numbers, plus Christians are persecuted and mocked-I see it often. I don't consider myself a persecutor-I don't go out and mock them or such, I'm defending myself...yes, I likely do mistake some of their overtures as threats to myself; I'm a paranoid psycho, it's to be expected.

As tomorrow is my dear Bak-chan's 17th birthday, I cooked her a lovely 3-tier Red Velvet cake and iced it prettily-she liked it, and I felt glad. Cooking is one of the things I love doing to calm myself down, and I like letting other people eat my wares. I always worry though when they eat it that when they compliment me it's not real, that they're just saying that to give my miserable little self-esteem a boost. Of course I can never tell-they're my friends and they'd never tell you even if they WERE lying. No, it's not a bad lie, but I always have that nagging little doubt in the corner of my mind, basically about all facets of human nature, not just limited to cooking compliments. Am I just a cynical little freak who needs to get a grip? No, I think I'm just jaded. Ah well, off to read insanely boring history. Later minna, and hopefully better postings shall come soon~

2001-03-19T00:12:00.000-08:00

Today sucked. Why? Church. Ye gods, I cannot WAIT to be in Japan-I shall be nearly FREE from the scary Christian influence! No, Christianity isn't ALL bad, I'll admit; there are a lot of useful tenets and I do know some Christians that don't make me want to shoot myself in the head just to get away. Still, having religion crammed down your throat with a bloody plunger tends to embitter a person a bit. Not to mention I'm at a particularly heinous congregation-the latest thing seems to be "attempting to draft Sho into our class"...um, no. And while you're at that, kindly stop having random people hug me-it's not good. Sorry, to me there's just something incredibly disconcerting about some person you've never met in your entire life come up and hug you...and one more thing-STOP TELLING ME I WEAR TOO MUCH BLACK. Bloody hell, if I replaced all my black with pink, would they say a word? I sincerely doubt it...people don't seem to understand that clothes do NOT make the person; I don't act or think any different when I'm wearing eye-blinding orange than when I'm wearing simple subtle black...get off my fricking case already. Yessss, I cannot WAIT until I am in Guelph, at college, far away and safe from all this.

Today I was rather depressed for some odd reason; not really sure why, exactly...maybe it's the weather...actually, today was my favourite sort of weather-cool, gloomy, rainy, and dreary; now, the wind is whistling outside. I love it. Not because it matches me, but also because when it's dark, the flaming sun isn't glaring in my eyes whilst I drive...speaking of driving, I went today, and I freaked out a little; not completely, my mom yelled at me enough to snap me out of it, but I started babbling to myself and whatnot about hating driving, why I can never get my license, etc, the usual drill when I freak out. Oh well, at least I actually drove instead of just stopping and refusing to move, in some sort of twisted catatonic stupor like I usually do. I've just been out of it-I should be elated, knowing that there IS hope and something to look forward to in the near future, the only reasons why I wake up in the morning, but today I just didn't seem to see them. That's how I survive-if the day seemes wasted and like crap, worthless and I wonder why I'm even still living, I always remind myself that it won't be too long til I'm in college, finally studying to do something useful, or that someday I'll be back in Japan, and I least I'm less likely to be treated like I'm a leper because of some of my interests.

Tomorrow ought to be somewhat interesting-new classes...well, 2 of those, anyway. Perhaps there'll be some interesting people there? That'd be most nice...at least I know that this is the final third of the school year...on the other hand, it's still a bloody THIRD, but hey, it could be much worse. Yes, that's the spirit, let's try a little bit of forced optimism here today. Speaking of not-good things, I feel awful for Tripod people-Saikou, did it get you? I tried going to your blog and site and I hope that it isn't, even though I fear it is. That's such crap, deleting people's things without even fooking WARNING them...I would be pissed beyond all belief, even though my site's a pathetic little thing that's seldomly updated-some parts are INSANELY old, and REALLY need to be updated...I mean, we're talking stuff that I wrote in like, 8th grade. As much as I don't like to admit it, I have changed. Sure, I know that sounds strange as can be to you, but as much as I love progress, I don't like personal change-I'll fight it tooth and nail. Maybe it's just a reflex from all those years of trying to cling to your past and memories as they float by you; you can't do it, no matter how much blood you spill. Or maybe it's because I'd scared to death of losing more, of becoming even more distant from what I once was, even though she's dead, gone, and decomposed-I'd like to be able to look back on myself once and be able to recognize...sad, ne? Or maybe just pathetic. Maybe just bloody pathetic, with everyone glaring down icily, casting down their harsh judgement on a worthy sinner, one who NEEDS to die, to pay in blood for her crimes, one who shouldn't even bloody be alive, as she is herself. Most of the time I think so...I don't fit, I should be eliminated-people don't REALLY think these thoughts, or take them seriously; healthy people don't at least. But what is healthy? Who has the authority to cast such judgement on what is natural and what is not? Why I am I contesting such anyway? Are these just the ravings of a sad, sick, little girl within her own shell, echoing out so that the world may hear? Or am I okay? I should shut up, before someone like my family reads this and gets me locked up-it wouldn't surprise me in the least. I think I'll quit for the night on this particularly bitter note. In other things, there are a number of newly-linked blogs on the sidebar-Miyu's, del's, and others, so be sure to check them out. Anyways, more ashita and hopefully I won't be in such an idiotic mood...I'm such a moron. ::kicks self in teeth for even saying such-no one cares::

2001-03-18T00:48:00.000-08:00

Yes ladies and gents, this post is being brought to you from Sho's new computer in her room! For once, privacy ^___^, plus a nice fattie moniter that rocks, oh yes. Anyways, today was...decent. Hung out with Bak-chan for a while, just roaming around...tried on a kinky red corset dress and was horrified to know that the biggest top in the store didn't fit my chest, and I didn't want to feel like a porn star all day, so I didn't get it. Other than that, not much else...been working on getting my computer situated, as I have to get everything moved onto it and such. Ah, the wonder of being able to have your computer to set to British spellings and NOT have people changing them.

"people who are biased against Japan"...ah yes, that refers to how many folk seem to think that Japan is synonymous with China, or for that matter, most other Asian countries. Sorry, it's one of those things that drives me insane...and yes, I am a bit of a Japanophile. I'm fascinated with many aspects of the culture, as well as pop-culture, and some of the products of it. Do I love EVERYTHING about Japan? Hell no-the whole thing for conformity, the lack and repression of individuality sucks dead bunnies, majorly; if I had been born there, a lot of people would probably hate my guts by now. Heck, a lot of people in America hate my guts anyway. Of course, I doubt I would be the way I am now, because I wouldn't have been raised in this manner. Still, as much as I want to go to Japan and seem to idolize the country, I don't love everything...same with any other countries...just as I frequently put down and critique America, there ARE a lot of good things-freedom of speech, for one major one. And yes, there are a freaking LOT of things that piss me off here, things that I wish would change.

Speaking of change, I think I need to get off my arse and DO something-nothing will EVER change if all I do here is sit and rant like a loony, ne? I need to turn myself into a vehicle of political change...I'm thinking of joining the school REAL club that Misha's in...'course, they're all sort of "love everyone", and I'm more of an "hate indiscriminantly" one, meself. I don't know, I just feel strongly for a lot of causes that they're supporting (such as the whole non-heterosexual population at our school, in which I feel this encourage urge to go crack some skulls like melons), so maybe it'd be a good thing for me to do...I need to join SOME club, so on college apps I don't look like a complete waste of flesh, more so than I am already...some things they ask about when you register online for the SAT and whatnot really amuse me-what does it MATTER if you were elected for school office? You get up and do some routine to make the school laugh, get elected for it, and then sit around prettily with your little title and do jack, since the school board's in charge of everything anyway. Bah, what a waste...I DO need to get something to put on there though, I suppose.

Mud, you're quite lucky to have Sera...I'm feeling lonely right now...no, I'm not really craving a significant, but just someone I can lay and cry on...I think I'm craving human touch...I'm not generally a very touchy-feely person, in the least, but I think I'm starved for it lately...I just want someone I cry on for some odd reason. Eep, I'll hush now ^^;

AH!!! The Loft! I've been there!! ::squawks:: Sorry, I need sleep...I'll go now...later minna~

2001-03-17T00:31:00.000-08:00

Bloody hell, I've done it again. Remember how I said that I'm going to concentrate on living like there's no tomorrow, not regretting NOT doing things? Well, I've done it again-I hope I still have time to correct this little error...no, it's nothing major, it's just one of those things I don't want to look back on later and hate myself for not doing, that's all.

Heh, I got screwed up and apparently the band I wanted to go see performed tonight, instead of tomorrow. Oops. Perhaps I should pay more attention to the date once in a while, ne? Ah well, Bak-chan and I already decided tomorrow to go buy ugly fruit and cause some general mayhem-oughta be a bloody little picnic, yes? Yuri-chan's package still hasn't come in, so I'm hoping for it tomorrow...ah yes, the ever-elusive day of Saturday...I enjoy getting sleep. Actually, I've been getting quite a heap of it as of late, being sick and all. Still, it ought to be a pleasant little thing, indeed.

So what's the random ponderance of the day? Eh...I dunno...I've kind of been "disconnected" for most of it, as we didn't do to much at school-I spent most of it listening to Malice Mizer's "Bara no Seidou" CD on repeat, as well as my lovely German music, while working on colouring that one doodle of Cerise I did last week. Was disappointed that today was my last day to have beautiful-child-in-math-class actually IN a class with me..and I didn't even talk to him. No, he talks to me, and vice versa, but he doesn't REALLY talk to me, if you understand what I mean...it's just a voice coming out...he's not rude or anything; quite the contrary, he's insanely nice, quiet, gentle, dark, angsty, and beautiful (although I think we all know this by now ^^;), and he's not blowing me off, he just doesn't truly to talk me; I heard him actually talk, converse...bloody hell...he intrigues the crap out of me, and has already proved himself to be a minor muse of some sort, TALK to me! Not that he's to blame-I'm shy as can be (yes Misha, I can hear you laughing at me), and should crawl out of my little shell more often. Perhaps I've spent too much time there...actually, I know I have; I spent my first year in Washington closed up tight as a drum in my own little sick world, not really cognisant of anything or one here, for the most part; that period in time is mixed in with a lot of the parts I can't remember of Alabama, that perhaps I've forced myself not to remember for my own good...I hope so...what little I do remember is ugly, very ugly, full of rage, hate, and pain; it's kind of scary to think that such a sickeningly sweet and innocent little girl could emanate such powerful waves of hatred...but enough about that. Still, I want to get to know him; no, I don't "like" him; he intrigues me, and I want to learn more about him, get to know him, maybe one day I'll learn to know his soul...still, I wonder if anyone's ever told him that he's beautiful...we were talking today, I was talking about how if you do things that'll basically get you ostracized, as well as confuse and horrify the rest of your class, you'll get extra credit (don't ask-I had a weird English class this year)...he smiled and laughed rather darkly, saying that's how he is normally anyway, so he oughta do well. He's the picture of aware-fleeting beauty, one that you feel is short-lived and just want to drink in, to consume before it's all gone...it's sort of similar to Soba, except Soba would actually talk to me...well, about some things-I knew he was cutting himself just from seeing the wounds, but when I asked him about the cuts, he freaked out and said he'd rather not say what they're from...heh, clincher, boys and girls. Oi, I need to get off this tangent about my two muses...well, Soba's a major muse, and math-child is a minor one-not NEARLY like Soba (up to this point), but the...museness is still there. It's a difficult sensation to describe...around those two, my soulbonds (if you'd like to call them that; I find that they differ fundamentally from what most people consider soulbonds, but it's the closest term I can find for them) go nuts, and previously unknown ones emerge randomly from the grainy woodwork of my head. Heh, I don't even WANT to see what's going to happen around Soba this summer...yes, I cannot wait to see my muse again. I'm scared though. Scared that he won't remember me...because as much as I don't want to admit it, I KNOW that to him I don't likely mean a thing, even though he's played a major role in my head daily since I left...to him, I'm probably just that odd American girl who came and stayed for a bit, then left like all the rest. I don't like that thought, not at all, but I need to swallow it-HE DOESN'T CARE. Well, at least I don't think so. I really need to stop clinging to useless hopes; I'm starting to look like an optimist, for someone ordinarily so pessimistic and cynical. But it'll feel good to be in the same country with him.

Okay, sorry for that rant-I know y'all are all bloody sick and tired about hearing about the above-mentioned little boys. I feel like watching Evangelion; I really do. Bak-chan and I plan to go rent the rest of the Fushigi Yuugi DVD's, so maybe we should pick up Evangelion too. Or, I could always go finish Xenogears....I dunno, I feel ripe for a nice dose of insane amounts of random religious symbolism. Oh well, I'm going to go crawl in bed now and sleep...maybe read some more Castaneda or such. Hopefully I'll have weird dreams tonight, thanks to Eva and Xenogears; last night's dream was rather disturbing; I dreamt that all my fish from my 30-gallon aquarium were in my 5 gallon in my room, and somehow the temp had lowered to 9 degrees Fahrenheit...all the fish were dead, except for my betta Omega, who was about to die. Don't I have nice happy dreams? G'night, y'all...

2001-03-16T00:12:00.000-08:00

Yet another day in the hamster-wheel of life...my math final wasn't too evil-I think I passed, so that's a good sign ^^...got a monstrous history test ashita that I just finished studying for that I should do bueno on-ah yes, I cannot wait for the weekend. Bak-chan and I plan to go on Saturday to see on the local bands, Seeds of Another Reality, perform at a coffee house; I'm looking very forward to it, as I missed their last performance. Things like this make me wish I could play guitar or something; I absolutely loathe public speaking and being in the public eye in general, but I wouldn't mind being in a band. Heh, the only thing I could do is be a vocalist of some sort, and the grand majority of bands that play genres of music I would enjoy working with want male vocalists, not...whatever I am. I guess you could call me an untrained pseudo-operatic mezzo soprano, or something of the like. Bah, I need to find a band-I'd like to have something like that to devote my creative energies to.

Here's the great quote to smash the hell out of for the moment, by our beloved darling, Pat Robertson, taken from this fascinating little blog:

[Feminism] is a Socialist, antifamily political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands,
kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians. - Pat Robertson

Isn't he great? Now, personally, I don't consider myself a feminist-if I had been alive in the 1900's-20's, I likely would've been a freaking radical militant one, but not really. I'm a proponent of equal rights, not special. So, let's dissect this quote: 1) Apparently, Robertson doesn't like socialism. Now, I know a lot of people don't like it, and that's quite alright; we're all equally entitled to our opinions, no matter if one agrees with it or not. I myself DO like socialism though, and take this as an affront; mostly, my problem with this lies in how feminism is socialist. Um, NO. Yes, both groups may have shared thoughts on some issues and such (labour, for one), but feminism is not socialist, to my knowledge. 2) Anti-family? WTF? No, feminism is anti-traditional-oppressive family structure..so, if that's what you consider that anti-family, sign me up for it please. 3) Feminism encourages women to seek out equal rights for themselves; if they're living in an environment with an oppressive man, I certainly HOPE they do leave him. I do love how Robertson convieniently (bad sp) leaves out these little adjectives that mean so much, don't you? 4) As for kiling children, I personally have NO idea what random dark pus-filled crevice THIS particular point was ripped out of O_o;...more fundamentalist raving, I suppose. 5) Practice witchcraft. As far as I know, feminism doesn't encourage ANY form of religious practices. Bah, I'm sick of dissecting this-it's making me nauseous...my feminism extends as far thinking that the current accepted social familial structure is oppressive and exploitative; it has improved and still is, but there remains work to do. Heh, I shouldn't even be complaining-look at all the victims of female genital mutilation in Africa, and the "honor killings" in the Middle East; now THAT is what could be called feminine oppression. Bloody bastards. I wish I could figure out someway I help, to make a difference-I dislike sitting back and watching things intensely. Action must be taken! Speaking of activism for rights of various sorts and whatnot, Alruhi just recently created a site, Genocide Heart, to promote gay and same-sexed couple rights; go visit, and spread the word. This is another cause for which I feel strongly about, but unfortunately will have to wait a while to act on, thanks to living in a household where if I do openly speak out about certain issues, I'm liable to be publically crucified as the spawn of the devil. Yes, I think I've finally gotten it through my (immediate) family's collective skull that I am agnostic, and NOT interested in changing, but they are very opposed to gay rights, for all the normal Christian reasons that we've all had crammed down our throats. I live in a place where everyday I come home and hear Dr. Laura's hated voice coming out of the speaking in the house I live in, feeling dirty that such crap is allowed to flourish here. I wish I could talk to my brother about such, but my family has sternly instructed me not to "corrupt him", and has threatened unspoken retribution if I do. I suppose it's just one form of brainwashing over the other...but I don't WANT him to think like me; I want him to be brought up in a home where he's free to make his own informed decisions and opinions on things, not instructed from a young age on what to think; I've broken free of that to an extent, but many scars and things that I doubt I can ever erase still remain, fears instilled in me deeply, branded on my soul from religion. When I make a decision or think about things, sometimes I half expect a lightningbolt to strike me dead on spot. I'm trying hard to let me be the natural self and person I was intended to be, but I have a lot of un-brainwashing to do...that's another reason why I like Japan-I don't have that influence being reinforced on me, like I do here, having to attend weekly indoctrination, I don't feel so oppressed and trapped, where I'm not scared to my opinion. Whenever my father or others in authority over me say something about "queers" or such, it pisses me off and I want to stand up and plunge full-force into verbal warfare, but I can't...I hate being bottled, being muted. Is it my own fault though? If I did, I think my family would treat me far differently, in a negative way; I realize that's a shallow thing on their part. Why I am sacrificing my own beliefs to let them be trampled on, to avoid conflict and schism? It's inevitable; I can at least recognize that fact. I'm not frightened at all about going head-to-head about such at school; why does home bother me? Maybe I should grow a spine.

2001-03-14T22:57:00.000-08:00

Gah. I feel like a sack of crap right now, thanks to a treacherous little head cold. Lovely, ne? Still, I've been drinking hot chocolate and hot oolong tea like a freak so it's quite soothing indeed. Ah well, I've had a fairly good day-I got my futon, finally, with a dead-sexy black cover, moved out my bed, cleaned out from under my bed (which was an experience unto itself ^^;), and put the new one in, AND reserved my plane tickets to Nihon. Oh yes. Anyways, cleaning under my bed was interesting-I saw objects I haven't seen in 4 years, objects I pack away in boxes and don't see again until I move. It was weird, opening some of them-kinda odd how one's life can fit in boxes, how you can pack it away and such. So, now my futon's in my room, and I like it-it's nice to have some semblance of room within my cubicle for once...my cats don't like it, though; the poor Evil One's disoriented beyond measure, bless his multiple-personality senile soul.

I also got in my Edward Scissorhands OSV today; immense Elfmanian loveliness, as one would expect. I really need to get the Beetlejuice and Sleepy Hollow OSV's...I absolutely LOVE his style...although the case itself is rather odd-very pink O_o;...ah well, I suppose it fits in with the movie's rather weird suburban landscape, ne? I enjoy how Burton mocks suburban life in that movie-everything the same, in a pretty shade of pastel. My amiga Bak-chan also bought Dido's CD, "No Angel" today-she has an interesting voice, sort of like a combination of Sarah McLachlan and Björk, if that can be imagined...well, not precisely-I didn't get to listen to it much, but that was the impression I got.

Had yet another grand philosophical debate of much one-sidedness in chemistry (WHY do I even bother?)-this time about the reality of existence. One guy was banging his hand on the table, and would NOT stop...it was rather annoying, so I told him that the table is not real. I attempted to explain to him that the table is real because it exists in his mind, and thus when he feels pain from banging his hand on the table, the pain exists because it does so in his mind. You know the concept, ne? Unfortunately, he dismissed it as what he called my "homosexual crap", so I called over one my more decidedly (at least in their opinion, and it IS true) straight and verbally articulate colleagues to explain...he did, quite satisfactorily in fact, but they dismissed it as the ravings of a short druggie, as they termed it. I just can't win. At least on Monday I'll be officially done with that hateful class, and will have a new group of people to deal with. Maybe they'll be more pleasan than this group, and I certainly HOPE they're a bit more intellectually stimulating...heh, I sound like such a pompous, bloody bombastic arse right now, I know, but I like people who make me think-better than stagnating, for certain. Of course, also keep in mind that these people are on the intelligence level that is with some microscopic one-celled organisms, although that's dreadfully insulting to the poor organisms. As for myself, I'd say I'm at LEAST an algae. A blue one, at that.

Whilst cleaning out under my bed, I found this one cute piece of gift art this girl had done for me of Sephiroth-I need to scan it badly. I meant to scan it much earlier, but then I couldn't find it for the longest time, completely horrified that I had lost such a thing-il es no bueno, my poppity children. But, I'm most elated that I've found that, along with this lovely Suikoden II stationary my chica E-chan had given me-she rocks, and is one of the biggest Joey obsessors in the world (well, next to Naoko-chan, of course-that girl's obsession is unparalled O_O)...so, I'll do some scanning when I get the chance. I have my evil math final tomorrow, plus I feel like my head's floating since it's so stuffed up, so I'm going to go sleep in my futon for the first time tonight most soon. Hopefully I'll have a more substantial post coming up tomorrow, but that's not likely as I have a monstrous 4-chapter test in AP History on Friday...anyways, hope are y'all's weeks have been lovely and later~

2001-03-13T22:44:00.000-08:00

Well, I did it today-I fooking flunked my bloody driving test, for the 2nd time; the last was a year ago. Last time I got killed at 96% for a dangerous action; this time I flunked at 76% because the fricking woman took off 4 points every time I didn't swirl my head 360 degrees on my shoulders...no, it's not like I don't look before I turn; that'd be idiotic; but apparently, I don't turn my head enough for her. Shiiiiut. Yes, I was extremely upset earlier, but I'm okay now, as my family said I still get my loan as long as I keep trying. Heh, funny-I can drive better than half the people on the roads, yet I can't pass a damn driving test. I suck. No, I shouldn't wallow in self-pity; I'll just have to get back on the bloody flaming horse tomorrow, I suppose. So, my projected dates for Japan are June 14th to August 14th; I just need to call my Nihonjin famille and see if that's kosher with them, or if I need to shorten it a wee bit. I'm frothing at the bit ^___^.

Oi, I had a WEIRD dream the other night...apparently, in the dream, I had just woken up from being unconscious for some period of time, and was in hotel room with red crushed velvet on the walls...I looked out the window and discovered that it was a ski resort...well, sort of. It was like, a cross between Schlitterbahn and a ski resort...yes, lots of luges ^-^...for some odd reason then, Misha appeared O_o (heh, at least this isn't as bad as me being named Miaka and marrying Alex Rodriguez! ::shudders::)...I was talking to her for a moment, and then, through the window I viewed this monstrous green fire-breathing (aren't they all?) dragon soaring by...well, not really a traditional dragon-more like a flying winged serpent. Now, these were big ol' windows so I jumped behind a bed, scared out of my wits...and...eventually, it saw us and ate us. Now, isn't that pleasant? I've also had a lot of dreams of late concerning beautiful-child-in-math-class, most of them rather surreal and indecent. I can't really remember details, unfortunately...I should write down my dreams...some are particularly vivid, like the one that spawned The Stars Above Lead Us to Hell-it was like Blade Runner meets The Nightmare Before Christmas meets Fantasia-don't ask, it was just bizarre as hell, but it stuck with me, and when I met Soba the bloody little muse inspired a full-length novel, blast him...like I NEED another story bouncing around in my cranium...twas freaky indeed. Actually, that story's where my cat Aisrael got his name-the cat is named after the sky god, not the sky god after the cat...kind of a misnomer though-the god Aisrael is very calm, a bit sad, gentle, quiet...Aisrael the cat's a demonically possessed psycho, one that I adore.

Alrighty, now the rant of the day-Sho's Sexuality! No, the only reason this is being discussed is because a lot of people have been screaming at me that I'm homosexual, which isn't the case. Not that the term offends me-it's just that it's incorrect. Anyone who knows me knows very well that I adore men far too much to be a lesbian...which brings up the next accusation, one that's less common-is Sho bisexual? As for that...eh...good question. Currently, I'm not in love with any girls...but if I was, it wouldn't bother nor surprise me. You can't help who you fall in love with-and personally, I don't think it's a matter of gender. So, no, I'm not bisexual currently-if I do fall in love with a girl, than I guess I would be, ne? Have I ever been attracted to any girls? Yup. Does that make me bi? I don't think so. And no, to any of my female IRL friends who may be reading this, I've thought of ye only as friends, so don't worry. It's not a common thing, but it's happened upon occasion. Another facet of my sexuality is my fetish for guys in drag-apparently, people take this to mean that since I like guys in drag, I think ALL guys should be in drag ALL the time, and that I'm only attracted to guys in drag. ::sighs::...WHERE do they get this O_o;? Ye gods...yes, I AM attracted to guys who look like guys, amazingly enough-don't look so shocked. I think they just bring it up so often because they think that ridiculing me about it will upset me, make me abandon it-IT WON'T. I am not ashamed of this, nor can you make me be, try as you might, spouting all that crap about it being "unnatural". And don't even GET me started on the whole gay-bashing thing; try as I might, they REFUSE to look outside of their narrow range of vision. Not that I'm much better myself-I'm in my own personal narrow range of vision; but bloody hell people, get a grip...they don't seem to understand that love doesn't recognize gender...when I go on a tirade, they usual amuse themselves by screaming at me to speak English if I use a word that's 5-letters+, mock my facial expressions, calling me ugly, saying dumb crap just to see what kind of reaction they can get out of me, my odd habit of closing my eyes when I talk occasionally...but I do think there's one boy who's listening, and maybe thinking a little. The hope that maybe someone in there doesn't just assume with the rest of the class that I'm a stupid insane girl ranting about naught makes me glad...besides, Nick and Brandon don't think I'm crazy.

Lauren, you think I sound cute O_o? Whoa, weird...I think I sound like a guy on the phone or on recorded messages ^^;...heh, of course, it might have had something to do with the fact that I was about ready to fall over ^o^...heh, I'll think up something more coherent to leave next time...perhaps I shall sing for ye ::evil grin::? No, I'll spare you the opera...but there are PLENTY of other choices...

Need to go call Yuri-chan ima-hopefully she'll be home, as she wasn't earlier. I want to call Soba-kun, but I don't think I will-it'll be worth it just to show up randomly...I wonder how he'll react...? Ye gods, I am looking so bloody forward to this-it'll be like being an exchange student, minus the diplomatic obligations. I really want to go straight to brass club after I arrive, just to see everyone and bathe in being around all these people again, but I know I'm going to be semi-comatose and my Japanese will NOT likely be fully functional, nor will my English, or any other form of communication for that matter. Ah well, I'm leaving now-that's wasn't such a pathetic post now, was it?

2001-03-12T23:13:00.000-08:00

Shimatta. Earlier, I wrote a nice fattie blog post and of course, my delightful little PC decided that would be the perfect time to freeze and so I had to reset and lose everything. Nooooo. So, since I'm still bitter and licking my wounds, this will be a rather shortened post. Blimey, and it was a good one too-some of the goofy philosophical ranting I know you all worship and adore. Ah well, no use crying over spilled milk, ne? Currently, my mother is going through my brother's toyboxes and making a plastic zoo next to all of our neatly stacked PSX games, of which she just placed Chucky the Double Mermaid, and is now stacking Digimon on top of my moniter. And people wonder why I'm weird.

As most of ye know, tomorrow is Ye Olde Fateful Driving Test, which is also known as Sho's Ticket to Nihon, of which she must pass. But I will, bloody hell, if it kills me. Tomorrow, I shall purchase plane tickets, and be happy. Because it's only a short little 3 months, and then I'll be there. But I'll hush now about that, before I start rambling like a psycho about Japan, as usual.

Bloody hell, yet ANOTHER random link O_O;? Oi, I am MOST surprised and honoured! You would be...Angie, yes? Please to meet ye, and many thanks for the linkage ^_^..indeed, you have a muy interesante blog...

If someone feels like randomly buying me a CD, Metallica's Black Album will do prettily. Well, either that something La'Cryma Christi, Illuminate, or Sanguis et Cinis; those would be the musical obsessions of the moment, besides my Xenogears, FFVI, Chrono Chross and Trigger piano books-love those things. You know, I think tomorrow I'll do a musical blog post, just ranting for hours about music. And yes, ye all know I am MORE than capable of doing such ~_^...

Hopefully tomorrow will be a more substantial post, complete with my freakish philosophical ranting...and I hope I pass my driving test. Trust me, the WORLD shall know if I do. Also, if you're used to hearing/speaking American English (well, for the most part), having a Japanese textbook that's Australian can result in some damn weird translations.

2001-03-11T23:06:00.000-08:00

T-48 hours until I get my driver's license, and thus will go to Japan. Well, sort of. The test itself is at 10:55 AM on Tuesday, so that's not quite accurate, but close enough, eh? I've been practicing quite a bit, and haven't been doing half bad. Hate it like none other, but still, I AM capable of driving. I think I'm going to pass this time, provided I don't freak out and do something stupid like last time and blow out when it's almost over. Ye gods, I cannot WAIT to call the travel agency and schedule my flight...my only issue right now is my returning date. School starts here on August 27th, but I'll be attending college of SOME sort (I'm trying to get into one of the local real colleges, and if that doesn't work I guess I'll be resigned to attending on the jr. colleges...::dies::) full-time, and it doesn't start until mid-September, so I don't know if they'll require me to go and waste time at school. It's entirely likely-they're bloody evil over there. So, I'll talk to them ashita about the school thing, call the travel agency, find out exactly how scary my loan will be, etc. I'm looking MOST forward to this ^__^.

Congratulations on your name change, Misha-full gave you a delightful (if vaguely odd) nombre! Btw, what do you do that makes you so far from being Japanese? Well, besides being American...perhaps it's the language barrier...? Out of morbid curiousity, what other sorts of hen na names has he given people ^^;? Should I be afraid?

Today whilst driving and looking at futons and computer desks, I shoved in this one compilation CD of mostly German visual kei/assorted random crap...and my mother thought Metallica was L'Arc~en~Ciel O_o;;...I had "Shinshoku ~lose control~" on first, so I guess she thought the next song would be L'Arc also...still, L'Arc and Metallica are approximately NOTHING BLOODY alike ::faints::...oooh boy...of course, then I inflicted some Weissglut on her ::evil grin::...no, my mother is NOT fond of "Unschuldengel"...didn't expect her to be, of course.

Here's a lovely site for all of ye to visit: The Onion. If you can, pick up their Our Dumb Century book-that thing rocks. Yes, I too am a fan of X-TREME legislation.

My Japanese yearbook should be in sometime this week-I shall be certain to scan some loveliness for all of ye.

I'd love to write more, but as usual, I'm low on time and seriously doubt I'll have any more tomorrow, especially since I have a 2-hour Japanese lesson. Ah well, I'll try to find some time in which to rant properly...I'm sure I can find something that'll outrage me at school...until then, ja.

Oh, one more thing: del, you and your Sephiroth obsession just plain rock. Albeit he looks a bit too muscular in those pics for my taste-I love freakishly slender über-bishounen/seinen, as all the world knows. Actually, now that I think about it, I need to have a bishounen-obsession post...out of curiousity, who else do you drool over?

2001-03-11T00:24:00.000-08:00

Today was crappy. I got into a monster knockdown-dragout with my parents about something completely stupid, and it only escalated. Heh, the whole the disagreement was with my father, but my mother made it her thing...then she threatened to keep me from going to Japan. Now, I can see why she did that, but that is NOT something you flash in front of someone like a bloody carrot. Japan is one of the few reasons I get out of bed in the morning-it's not some little sick whim. I did NOT appreciate her manipulating it like that-it's just wrong. You don't take someone's prized possession as wave it in their face and threaten to break it-it's sick and cruel. Yes, I know I'm whining, but it upset me terribly. It's okay now-I talked to my father and it's alright, but it shook me up terribly, that she'd even do such a thing.

On a better note, I watched Edward Scissorhands and just ordered the OSV off of Amazon...I found it tragically beautiful. The character of Edward reminded me a lot, oddly, of beautiful-math-class-child. No, not exactly; not exactly by a longshot; but just something about him. Edward was so fragile, so beautiful, and everyone wanted to take advantage of him. And they did. What I found saddest was he saved the girl's little brother and then kept cutting him accidentally, trying to help him and terrifying the boy in the process. I really need to go to sleep now, so I'll talk more tomorrow if I have time, hopefully. Maybe tomorrow won't be as horrid. At least I drove decently today. Heh, another Edwardish thing of note-my brother was talking about how bloody it was...it wasn't anymore bloodier than me shaving in the shower ^^;;...

2001-03-10T01:10:00.000-08:00

Today was rather nice-I slept a lot. Didn't do much though...one thing I DID do of note was watch The Last Unicorn, which I had never previously seen before....just beautiful, IMHO. Yes, very 80's anime style, but I found it lovely, as that's the stuff I cut my teeth on when I was a wee lass...also rented Edward Scissorhands last night, but I still haven't watched it...methinks I'll do that mañana. Went driving to the futon store to look at a bed that won't take up 80% of my room...twill be nice indeed. Should be getting my computer anyday now. Actually, I'll be getting the ancient one I'm writing on currently, not the new one as previously stated, but it's all good...heh, at least I get the good modem, seeing as AT&T Broadband sucks rabid ferrets and won't give me DSL OR cable, the bastards. Oh...I saw something that rocked and just SCREAMED for my attention in the newspaper's bitch section (aka the Editorial pagina) yesterday that I never got around to yesterday...this is an excerpt from a letter concerning her indignation over Eminem being allowed to perform:

"Why, in the name of constitutional rights, can Eminem stand on a public stage and mouth such revolting ideas, call it music, and win awards?"

I think the whole thing regarding constitutional rights could be figured out through that entire pesky little "freedom of speech" thing...heh, I love morons...you see, the problem with freedom of speech is that while people will guard it with their lives, many folks also seem to think that it extends up until someone says something they don't agree with, or something they think shouldn't be said. That's the price you have to pay for freedom of speech-you're not going to like what everyone says, so get over it. I'm almost tempted to write in to the newspaper just because that statement was so ludicrous...personally, I don't like Eminem's music nor do I choose to listen to it, but I AM a defender of freedom of speech...

Yesterday my mother and I drove to the library to drop off some books...she has a little bit of a disagreement...with the clerk about some fines, but she finally gave in and we left. On the way out I asked her why she didn't just pay it-that's what I would've done. She asked me why I'm such a doormat. And so, I got to thinking-why AM I so bloody submissive, anyway? In a lot of situations I seem anything but submissive, but it when it comes to conflicts, many times I just stare at the floor and let it go. I think I get some sort of rush out of being controlled...actually, I know I do-I LIKE the feeling of being owned...so that was a quick little analyzation of the day-I'm submissive because I like being controlled, because it produces pleasure for me. Actually, in English class last tri, we got into a debate on if it's truly possible to do something completely unselfishly, and it seems you can't, no matter how hard you try; there will always be a bit of human selfishness in you, no matter if you recognize it for that or not, even if it's as minute as getting pleasure from making someone smile. Don't you just feel great about yourself now? No matter what you do, you're always an innate hedonist...

School sucks-my newest nickname is "psycho", in chemistry, as would be expected. Not that the name itself bothers me-it's WHY they do, because they refuse to look at any points of view except for their own bloody narrow ones...since my ideas, thoughts, belief, etc are different then their's, I'm automatically insane. No, I'm not claiming to be an "individual" or such-there are thousands, millions of people in the world whom I'm sure wouldn't think I'm crazy if they met me, they just don't happen to attend my school, people who think like me somewhat. No, I don't like their points of view, but bloody hell, at least I TRY to examine others' POV in as unbiased a manner as I can, even if I don't agree with it. I'm not always that successful, but I try, no matter how pathetic the effort may be. What felt nice was on Thursday, after a nice session of people attempting to convince themselves and me that I'm crazy, one of my friends came over and told me that genius isn't recognized within it's own time, but that we know our own tribe. No, I don't consider myself a genius-quite far from it, nor do I know if the quotee is one; Nick very well may be. Subsisting on an exclusive diet of Pepsi, Rolo's, and weed might do that to a person. But it felt nice to know that at least there's one person in the world who isn't interested in tearing me down and ripping me to shreds. No, it's not like I'm under constant verbal assault-that's just in chemistry. At least I was able to get them to listen to Malice Mizer without laughing. Even though they thought Mana was a hot chick.

I've felt very domestic today-after taking a 3-hour nap and being awoken happily to the orchestral version of "Kurenai" (played VOLUNTARILY by my mother-yeeesssss, it is truly a great thing when you get your mother to like 80's Japanese hair metal. Even if it IS with the orchestra.), I proceeded to cook a double-layer red velvet cake (ye gods, I've never seen so much Red #1 in my life O_o;) and some orgasmic molasses cookies for the band bake sale/craft fair I'm supposed to attend tomorrow at 7:00 AM. Schiest (sp?), that's earlier than I freaking going to school-WHY did I allow myself to strong-armed into that shift? ::weeps::...heh, at least I got some awesome dough out of it-molasses cookie dough and molasses in general rocks, almost as much as olive oil. I'm also going to make an apron for one of my quasi-communo-socialist comrades, as she said she wants one just to wear around. I think I might put Marx on it. Or Karl (no, no, not Karl Marx, Karl/Fritz, my Cirque du Soleil idol who was recently replaced with a chick ::dies::), even. Or maybe Kuja. It'll be fun, and I'll probably end up the tragic victim of a homicidal sewing machine.

I love this blog's layout-very very lovely, CLAMPy, and shoujoish-it's all good. Now, if only it had some shounen-ai overtonage going on in the picture...no, it's fine the way it is. I've considered changing the layout on this thing to something customized but then I realized that I'm too bloody lazy for such. Besides, this one suits me sort of.

Got two things in the mail today that make me roll with laughter-a letter from Army soliciting me and one from the photograph studio that said I had been preselected a Senior Model for senior pictures. They advertised getting free senior pictures by carrying around a portfolio of pictures of myself and showing them to people and getting referred-s'all nice and dandy, except doing stuff like that makes me feel like a dirty dirty whore. No, not like when I like feeling whorish when I'm dressed like one, but like I'm trying to sell something pathetic...no, Sho is not a future saleswoman by any stretch of the imagination. As for senior pictures, I've already decided pretty much what I want-one of the smashing über-Gothic cathedrals, wearing a lovely medieval brocade dress. Oh yes, and a pipe organ. 'Twill be grand fun. I've actually also considered getting them done in a yukata, but that's kind of hindered by the fact that I don't have a yukata, and people of actual Japanese descent will think I'm crazy since I'm quite visibly NOT Asiatic, just obsessed. And plus I like yukata-they're beautiful, comfy, cool, and have big-arse sleeves that look like rectangular wings. I want senior pictures that are distinctly me, capturing all of my weirdness.

Ah well, need to awaken earlie in the morning in a few hours, so I'll go to sleep now. Oh, current books of the moment are still Castaneda's Tales of Power and now Melvin Burgess's smack. Interesante desu ne? You know, I really need to return Tales of Power-I'm sure Nick has a fine on it the size of those Buddha's they're destroying in Afghanistan. Later, minna-hopefully my life will be a bit more intriguing in the morrow. Oh crap, it is tomorrow. No such luck. And also, if you had trouble seeing the pictures on the last post, just go to these URL's:

http://www.geocities.com/seifaiden/clari2.jpg
http://www.geocities.com/seifaiden/flutesec2.jpg
http://www.geocities.com/seifaiden/naoya2.jpg
http://www.geocities.com/seifaiden/sho-yukata2.jpg

Hope that helps-it was working for me yesterday, but for some odd reason it's being particularly stubborn today. But then again, what do you expect from Geocities? And one more thing-concealer and base will NOT cover skin that has been dyed grey. Apparently, the soft hair on my face on my cheek was also dyed black. Lovely. Aren't I just a doll?

2001-03-09T00:59:00.000-08:00

Ye gods, I love 4-day school weeks. I truly do. I'm rather happy that it's March 9th, right now-it's passing so fast, and so I'll be in Japan bloody soon...I plan on doing some serious carpe diem while I'm there...let's hope that my Japanese will improve exponentially before then. QUICKLY. Heh, I am so dead-running on overdrive right now...at least I get to sleep soon, ne? Alrighty, since y'all are so darn special and I'm so bloody dead, this will be famed "Sho Does Japan" post...of course, these aren't the good pictures-no, I had to LOSE the roll from when I got chased out of the grocery store by that psycho butcher who didn't understand that in America they don't sell large iced tubs of maroon octopi, so naturally I'd want to photograph such interesting things, nor did he appreciate Yuri-chan and I posing with random cephalopods and eels. These are mostly of my Brass Club compadres, but hey, it's all good...

This would be moi with the clarinet section...I would be the only non-Asian girl in black, if you need any help in figuring out who I am. And no, I don't look like that. Seriously, I don't know WHY I look so different in all my Japan pictures than I do in American ones. Hen...

Indeed, me and the much-heralded flute section...yes, most of these were taken on the same day...I was running from section to section, taking pictures franctically on my last day before I had to leave-it was not a happy time. Well, it was-I was reveling in every second of it, painfully aware that this time would be short indeed...but still, it hurt to leave that school that day. This was the last picture before I left.

This one was at the school festival, and here I am with that poor little shy Japanese boy I put in therapy for about the next 7 years or so...notice the Evangelion shirt...heh, all freaking DAY people were asking me if I knew was Eva was O_o;...um yeah guys, that's why I bought the shirt to begin with...you can't see it very well, but I'm holding the back of his neck >D

Okay, now y'all can all laugh at this one...I really love yukata, but they're supposed to have a cylinderical figure, and I obviously don't. Unfortunately for me, I am quite curvaceous, which is NOT a figure which lends itself well to yukata and whatnot. Anyways, I love the sleeves particularly on yukata, so here I am demonstrating my magnificent wings...the only BAD thing I can think of about yukata is the whole "don't-show-your-knee" thing...makes it a royal pain to walk, especially when you're used to taking wide strides and walking in an altogether distinctly unfemale fashion (it comes when you regularly run around in fake combat boots that weigh around 3 lb. apiece)...still, I managed it at one of my bloody diplomatic parties and even managed to sit down and take tea ceremony in thing T_T...although the tea ceremony was hell-it is NOT good to give scalding hot green tea to guests-they will not be happy campers. Of course, that entire event had more than enough psychotic happenings, but I don't feel like getting into them tonight.

And thus ends tonight's lovely little Japan blog part. Now, onto other business..ah yes, I did the dumbest thing in the world tonight. I dyed part of my face grey. You see, I was finally dying my hair back to black (those hideous light brown/blonde roots were starting to show again) tonight, and somehow I managed to smear some of the dye on my face...didn't notice for a while, but it sat long enough to dye my skin. LOVELY. Now I look like I have leprosy...it's not too bad, I suppose...it's not like a whole half of my face-just the right side has several random grey patches. I HOPE I can cover it up with makeup -_-;;...and yes, as usual, I managed to dye at least one fingernail black...I really should go to a professional-I'm dangerous with hair dye. Or maybe I'm just plain stupid instead. But, I'm insanely sleepy minna, so I'll post more after a nice 12-hour nap or so...ja, and I hope I didn't scar too many people for life with the pictures...::cringes::

2001-03-07T23:01:00.000-08:00

Tonight my mother made gorditas for dinner...we then proceeded to compose our own entire aria dedicated to gorditas, and sing a stunning opera duet. Ah, the joy of getting together two insane soprano's (well, I'm a mezzo soprano) who can't QUITE sing opera together. Personally, I want opera lessons. Terribly. I'm convinced I could do it if I was taught...ah well, once I pay off my forth-coming loan of intense massiveness and am still holding down a job, perhaps I can look into financing some opera lessons for mineself. Actually, I ate a burrito for dinner and felt dirty, whorish. Because they're fattening. At least I went and did an hour on the bike, but I don't know if it's enough...why can't I just be content and accepting of my body? Why do I constantly feel that I have to warp myself to fit other people whom I hate's ideas of beauty...I hate them! Their opinions should mean JACK to me, but I always feel like when I walk by, people are snickering about how fat I am...even though I don't think they are. Heck, I'm not even really fat, given my height and proportional setup...I KNOW they think I'm as ugly as sin, they've told me, told me plenty of times, just to make sure I know how precisely freaking ugly I am. How I make babies cry when they see me. Maybe that's why animals like me-they don't care if you look like your just got the flesh of your face ripped off and the only thing remaining the dripping soggy underneath. I wish I was beautiful. Shallow as hell, but I wish I was. Maybe people would stop telling me I'm ugly then.

Here's some interesting test results from here:
# 1 Sephiroth
# 2 Ultimecia
# 3 Jenova
# 4 Kuja
# 5 Reno of the Turks
# 6 Rufus Shinra
# 7 Sorceress Adel
# 8 Sorceress Edea
# 9 Fujin
# 10 Seifer Almasy

Personally, I think the best one was when I was informed I'm Akio from Utena...haven't seen much of him yet, but I can assure I don't screw my sister, seeing as she's nonexistant. I DO have an 8th grade brother, but I don't screw him either. This is a good thing.

Aorah, stand with Emily through all this psychiatrist crap. DON'T let the bastards screw her over-I speak from bitter experience, and have a nice longstanding hatred against psychology...out of morbid curiousity, what the heck did they think of her soulbonds? I'm curious to know. Hopefully the drugs won't screw her up...people, here's a warning: DO NOT TAKE MIND-ALTERING DRUGS PRESCRIBED TO YOU IF YOU'RE NOT SICK. You'll have hell to pay later...heh, on one of my fuzzily-remembered psychiatrist journeys she gave me something to "slow me down", because I think too fast. WTF?! Psychiatrists never gave me anything but a bloody addiction. No, I don't visit them anymore-my mom got tired of wasting her money for me to play mind games with the shrinks for hours, as fun as it was once the drugs left the scene. But we're not going to talk about this anymore, because it's from a period in my life I've blissfully forgotten a lot of, and period that's dead and rotted, and one hope to forget more of in the near future.

Oy, today in History we're having debates of the Imperialists vs. the Moderates vs. The Non-Imperialists...some of the arguments the Imperialists are using is it the divine right given to the Anglo-Saxon capitalists by the Christian God to expand, conquer, and absorb, to make a Christian Empire. Now, I know that this is just mock debating-our teacher always makes us argue for both sides anyway...but I really hate to think that people HELD these views before, especially since I'm the little agnostic quasi-Marxist scum of eastern Europe...ick...heh, of course, I didn't have the balls to stand up and verbally blow the crap out of the guy who said that...I suck at public speaking, and hate it as well. I'm all for freedom of thought and speech, and people are all entitled to their opinions, no matter how vehemently I may hate it, but still...that people actually USED these things as reasons, I'm appalled.

I think I want a CD by The Mercy Cage...ye gods, I loove the song "of frailty & twilight"...these are the wages of sin~...perhaps I should start writing my crappy poetry again. And no, I will NOT post it-such horrors need not be seen by human eyes besides mine own.

Vera, LOOVE the title of that Castaneda book-in true Japanese naming tradition, nonetheless ^O^...I really need to doctor that book cover...as far as Castaneda goes, I'm still reading Tales of Power and enjoying it immensely. Although the part with the giant squirrel wearing glasses was rather trippy...yesssss, books recommended to you by intelligent potheads are always grand fun.

Alrighty, I'm fairly sure I've scared the masses enough tonight. Oh, one more thing...my pretty little thing in my math class and I were discussing our mutual dislike of art classes, one reason being that when we produce artwork our teachers frequently attempt to get us to go visit the counselor about it. Yeesh, you'd think no one had an appreciation of mildly morbid art...

2001-03-07T21:46:00.000-08:00

I remembered something rather weird that I've never understood today...when my brother was a lot younger, and my parents used to spank him with the belt, I would always beg them to beat the crap out of me, make ME hurt. If I didn't do that, I remember just wanted to HURT myself, do SOMETHING, and then it'd feel better. I'm still like that, even though they don't spank me or my brother anymore...sometimes, when I'm very angry or sad, I was just want to feel pain...and it feels better then. No, before any of you who know me IRL think of it, I do NOT cut myself. I have cut myself once (well, on purpose. On accident, I cut myself like a freak because I suck), though it wasn't with a razor-my family and I were having one of our famous knock-down-dragouts that the neighbors love so well...I felt like crap, it hurt like hell...I want a distraction, so I stabbed myself in the arm as fricking hard as I could with one of my fingernails (my nails are rather...talonesque...at times. And yes, they're real.) and smiled as the blood dripped down...my family about had a cow and got "worried" about me...but it's just a weird little thing, and I don't know what causes it....ah, frickin' A, I have to give the PC to my brother...I have more planned for later...

2001-03-06T22:44:00.000-08:00

Alruhi, I don't assume that all people who put themselves into specific groups think alike-I wouldn't doubt that it comes out that way from the way I rant though, throwing around generalities haphazardly...sorry if I'm projecting myself that way-it's a personal failing that doesn't make me look too credible-it's not wise to tack yourself firmly onto one of something without any loopholes, even though that's something I seem to do to myself often IRL, not necessarily considering political issues. Just wanted to clarify a little...hopefully that DID come across as clarification ^^;...and the spreading democracy thing WAS about the US doing such faultily in the past...

Ye gods, did I get lucky today...dragged my mom to the Dept. of Licensing to take my written test, and came to find that they still had my old passing score of the written test on record...so, I don't have to take it again and am scheduled for the fateful drive on Tuesday...oy, I'm nervous, but I've been practicing quite a bit and hope that it's paid off...heh, this won't be a license, it'll be my ticket to Japan...these people are gonna think I'm one of those people who're drunkenly obsessed with getting my license itself if I do get it, when that isn't the case at all...

Yes Misha, I WAS thinking that you were enjoying that little display today...although it's truly a sad thing that he is no longer the infamous Mop...yes, we had our lovely school elections for officials who do approximately jack...do y'all remember how I was commening I would rather vote for a steaming fetid pile of maggot-infested dog dung instead of this one child? Well, lucky me, HE was the only one running for that office...I refused to vote for him...heh, there was a fill-in thing at the top and I was really tempted to write in the thing about the dung, but I lost my nerve...tragic, ne?

Found more muse music today-Illuminate, one of my German bands,'s song "Nachtmusik"-it SCREAMED Bloody Rose..well, in a different way from the song that inspired it, which was the X-Japan song "Rose of Pain"...extremely beautiful...so much in fact, it inspired me to draw, so I whipped a doodle of Cerise, and am currently colouring it...haven't done much except this little patch of hair on her forehead, so she looks like she's bleeding. Not TOO horrible, but I doubt I'll show many of ye on here-I made some nasty anatomical errors (IMHO) that mar it badly...heck, Illuminate has a LOT of inspirational songs-love 'em ^__^...even though German still sounds odd to my ear...

Yet another inspirational song of the day-Vanessa Mae's "Contradanza"-throughout the entire thing, it's a kick-arse violin solo, but then at the very end, the violin trails off and a flute takes over, and then finishes with a quiet duet of the two; very metaphoric for my story Cadenza, of Fiore (who's a violinist) and Domenico (a flute), both in their personalities and such. Maybe I should actually write something down regarding that story-I like it lots, and there's tons of decadently delicious shounen-ai/yaoi/etc...

Oi, I want to be a vocalist in band >_<...not necessarily a large band, or even a main vocalist-I just get a major rush from singing, and it's even better when you're not doing it acappella, and it would delight me to do so. My only worry would be that I would get so into I'd get choked up and start crying-heck, that happens embarrassingly often. But I can dream, ne? None of the local bands that play genres of music I like are much in need of a female vocalist...too bad there aren't any v-kei bands here...'course, I doubt a gaijin girl could do much...

Didn't get to write much tonight..oh well, I need to go to sleep anyway...you know, it's good that school is only 4 days this week-the whole monotony thing is getting to me...not school itself, but how it's a metaphor for life, and I don't want life to be a bloody hamster wheel-I need to keep in mind that college will change that somewhat; at least I'll get SOME change of pace, being uprooted and sent to a new place, at the very least...need patience to get through the next few months...

2001-03-05T23:11:00.000-08:00

Heaven help me, I have time to post O_O...band concert went...alright, I suppose. Personally, my playing wasn't as good as I did at the festival, but it could be a lot worse...singing was about equal. However, THIS time I got to wear a little black skanky ho-dress so that was a bloody picnic-I enjoy feeling like a whore every once in a while for some odd reason-was self-conscious as hell, but I survived. I only have one quote for this concert: "THE BIRDS! THE BIRDS! THEY MARK THE SPOT!"...eh, don't ask, just play "Of Sailors and Whales" and you'll figure it out...

My lovely child came to math class today and he remembered to give me the tape of the recording of his band-I was surprised that he remembered, seeing as I asked on Wednesday and he wasn't there on Thursday or Friday...so, I promptly stuffed it into my marsupial pouch and listened to it...interesante...he's a bassist, and sounds like quite the angsty one too-of course, he is rather angsty at times...you know, he'd be a perfect character for a yaoi story...::smacks self:: no, NO more muses or people I base characters off of...so far, there's been exactly 3 people I've based characters off of in any books (all different ones for that matter), and they're all more than a little twisted. It's not something I intentionally try to do-most of the characters just COME to me...of course, I've ranted about my psychotic method of story-creation before and it usually horrifies people, so I won't talk about that. However, speaking of stories, Vera, I MUST know more! More art and more details ^___^-it looks most interesting, as I haven't seen much that uses Hindu or Zoroastrianism (I KNOW I spelled that wrong...)...oh, another thing-love the link to the Bushism's-dear me, I do believe we have discovered who translated Final Fantasy Tactics...besides, he's always grand fun to quote at lunch, he and his strategery...

I'm thinking of getting a shirt that says "I am the Red Scare", or something similarly communistic, so I can wear it to church-it'd be fun. Heh, speaking of church, we had a "congregational meeting" I unfortunately had to sit through about 10 minutes of (I KNEW I should've stayed at the mall after Crouching Tiger and gotten some food >_<), and this lady stood up, horrendously upset, asking people to stop referring to our congregation as "carnivorous"...well, maybe if it wasn't TRUE, it wouldn't be happening! ::dies::...ye gods, I wish I could be as misanthropic as I usually am, but I really DO try to be semi-civil there, even if the people there are some of the most uncivilized cretins I've ever had the misfortune to lay eyes on throughout the expanse of my entire menial existence. And yes, I *AM* being nice. But one can only take some crap before hurling it back like a bloody missile...

Oh yay, another school shooting...Alruhi, I SO agree with you...I once had to give a speech on the death-penalty for children (or at least trying them as adults) and I think I pissed a lot of people off...I'm one of those "FRY THE BASTARDS!" people ^_^...isn't that on the conservative end of the spectrum though? Ah well...even though I'm flaming liberal for the most part, I can be surprisingly conservative on a lot of things, like what we're studying right now-the Age of Imperialism, aka America Attempts to Screw Over More People and "Spread Democracy"; WHY CAN'T YOU FREAKING LEAVE ANYONE ALONE?! ARGH!! BE CONTENT SCREWING YOUR OWN PEOPLE OVER!! ::falls over and has a seizure:: Lessee, guess you didn't get enough with the Indians, ne? Not enough for ya? Eek, sorry, I'm starting to sound like a bad dub of Vegeta...funny, people always used to dismiss my anti-American rantings as an uneducated ignoramus's ravings, but the more I'm educated about American history, the more I'm disgusted...heck, I'm QUITE glad I'm going to college in Canada...speaking of Canada, someone gave me a great quote regarding it: "Canada's just like the US, except they speak French sometimes." ::drumroll::...ain't it grand ^_^?

joey, I know exactly what you mean about shaving...well, except I'm referring to my arms. And for all of you curious ones out there, YES, I do shave my legs and armpits as well...body hair drives me INSANE...I hate shaving itself because I always cut myself...it's not the cutting itself that's the problem (personally, I love the taste of blood), it's the fact that blood tends to get EVERYWHERE and then when I go to school I scare people more than I do already. Still, I absolutely ADORE the silky-smooth feeling off a freshly shaved arm..stop looking at me that way, there's millions of girls in Japan who do the same. 'Course, they prolly don't suck at shaving as much as I.

Oh yes Misha, I see Kurtis too-he seems to show up often. He DID say hi to me today, although he didn't mention anything about having Japanese children with me this time (and no, neither he nor I are ANY part Asian), propose marriage, etc. And yes, his hair IS looking better, I must admit, even though mine isn't >_<...argh, Sho wa shiroi garakuta desu (for all ye in the peanut gallery, that means "Sho is white trash")!! Sorry, it just drives me positively MAD when my hair's in that state of not-quite-black and not-quite-brown...just haven't had time to re-dye it...hopefully I will soon though. Personally, I think I like it more when it's that lovely freaky purple colour, but it washes out über-fast, and personally, I don't feel like chemically frying my hair more than I have to.

Whoa, someone randomly linked me O_O;? I am honoured and most surprised-I need to remember that people occasionally read this record of horror, I suppose. Who are you, anyways, and out of curiousity, how'd you stumble across this hall of horror ^_^;? Oh and btw, your black hair rocks, even though I haven't seen it ^_^...bloody cool domain name though-Psychogenic Fugue XD...indeed, for those of you who didn't know previously, I am drunkenly in love with Bach(as in Johann Sebastian, NOT Bachman Turner Overdrive. Yes, I've actually gotten that before. What can I say, I live in the concentration of culture...)'s Fugue in G Minor, mostly because it's on the pipe organ and the pipe organ is one in the troika of perfect instruments, the other two being the accordian ::bows to Cirque du Soleil & Malice Mizer:: and the mandolin. Balalaika's rock beyond human comprehension as well, but they're similar to mandolins so they don't get special recognition. And yes, the Fugue ROX UR SOX on pipe organ, as well as the Toccata. Ye gods, the Toccata (yes, THAT toccata ~_^) is divine. Too bad we mutilated it [the Fugue] in concert band last year O_O;; ::cringes::...but we're not going to dig THAT particular corpse up tonight-something things are better rotting in their little mausoleums ^_^;

Heh, my school called all the juniors together today to inform us that we're doing a fundraiser...oops, dear me, I think I lost it in the trash can. Sorry, there's little that makes me feel more dirty and whore-like than selling things for a fundraiser...besides, I don't intend to go to prom or jr. prom, and that's what it's for. If I DID go though, I'd rent a sexy tux...actually, I'm not nearly as butch looking as I sound...I'm rather feminine looking, actually O_o;...if y'all ever saw me, I doubt I'd look like how you envision me...actually, I posted a picture a long time ago on here, feel free to dig for it...although I plan to have a special "Sho Does Japan" post sometime in the near future..

Danny Elfman is my hero. Along with Yoshiki. My lord, that man just plain ROCKS ::sacrifices a virgin goat to her Nightmare Before Christmas Soundtrack::...I need to get the Edward Scissorhands one. On Saturday night, I wanted to rent The Last Unicorn because I suck and haven't seen it, but couldn't find it...decided to get Edward Scissorhands instead, but then decided to check out Hastings across the way...of course, they didn't have either of 'em, so I was screwed both ways. Think I'll call Blockbuster to see if they have The Last Unicorn, and then get ES...it's a good idea to listen to soundtracks before you purchase them, ne? I also want to rent Persona: Eternal Punishment...bloody awesome title for a game, eh? Was at Software Etc. yesterday and thumbed through one of the strat guides, and now I want to play it even more...'course, I need to get a new memory card..ye gods, I'm turning into some sort of memory card pimp or such O_o;...maybe I should just delete some files...that's what stopped me from renting Vagrant Story-must ~~ogle~~ observe Sydney, his royal slashiness. Actually, Kuja (for some odd reason in that picture he reminds me of Utena O_o;) is by far the most common yaoi search I get on this blog...doesn't surprise me...I mean, just LOOK at him-his entire being, face, expression, body, hips (OH the hips T_T), clothing SCREAMS screw me...kind of like Sugizo ::ducks::..sorry, too much yaoi and slashiness on the brain...I need sleep...

Ah well, gonna go take my driving written test tomorrow so I'm gonna go study during my last moments of consciousness. Wish me luck, minna...

2001-03-04T22:53:00.000-08:00

Eeek. Sho has no time, no she doesn't x_x;;;...lessee, quick run-through of yesterday-woke up, felt like crap, went back to sleep for 4 hours, talked to people on the phone, called Yuri-chan in Japan and talked til 2 in the morning. Oh yes. Today, wake up and felt even MORE like crap, slept through the 2nd hour of church, then went home, went to the mall with a good friend I hadn't seen in about 2-3 months, and ate a muy oishii Schlotzkey's Deluxe Original, THEN watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and enjoyed it greatly-'course, then went to church for like 15 minutes, came home, got math tutored for around 2 hours, came home, did US History AND math homework, and am now writing...yesh, typical weekend.

Now, for my obligatory Crouching rant-loved it ^_^! No, Misha, I didn't I feel like martial artsing (whoo hoo, new verb!)-I found the whole thing with Shu Lian and Li Mu Bai insanely sad and depressing, plus the whole thing with Lo & Jen-;Lo rocked XD /me liked the singing part...Michelle Yeoh is so beautiful *_*...heh, funny, the guy I went with was commenting on how the movie didn't have any hot chicks, but I found her insanely lovely-ina! Liked it much, even though the thing with the flying people was rather bizarre O_o;...didn't understand a bloody word of the thing, as I don't speak Chinese, but it was lovely nonetheless...it was just ever-so sad -_-, for everyone involved....I DID enjoy that part where Jen kicks mass quantities of severe arse in the restaurant XD...

Okay, /END CROUCHING TIGER RANT...had grand fun calling Yuri-chan, and found out that I shall be able to hang out in Japan until August ^____^ ::beams::...the Japanese yearbook also came out, and I was insanely elated to discover that they put in a picture of me in yukata, instead of in a swimsuit-I was going to cry ^^;;...Yuri-chan said she'll be sending it to me tomorrow her time, along with my official pair of Japanese san-nensei male grey slippers-yatta! I've been stocking up on black slacks for my uniform, and I'm even entertaining getting one of the skirts-heh, won't THAT be a gas...me dressed like a chick ^O^...although I'll be getting one of the super-long ones, as I am NOT skilled at riding a bike in a skirt and would like to avoid any embarrassing moments if possible. No news of Soba-kun from either of my little double-agents over in Japan-oy, I'm frothing at the bit >_<...mostly we just rambled about all sorts of madness...no news yet on my ability to attend school or not-ye gods, this is SUCH a royal pain coordinating things via third parties overseas >_<...but, it's already March 5th, and time is flowing quick enough for me-before I can blink, I'll be in Japan, bursting with joy just the be breathing the bloody air there...heh, I'm going to be such a goon ^-^; I fully intend to milk every nanosecond I have there, not like last time-it didn't sink in til the last 2 weeks I had there, and I was hungering ferociously for more time...but this time I'll have it, and love it. Plan on taking my written exam on Tuesday, so as soon as I have my miserable driver's license, I will be ordering plane tickets...less than 2 weeks *^_^*...by then it'll be the middle of March, and only..eh...4 months. It doesn't seem like it's been such a long time since I got back, really-funny, I'm judging my life in regards to when and when I'm not in Japan. Yes, I'm well aware that most of you probably want to beat me vigorously with a stick for never shutting up about Nihon, but I don't mind-for once, I have something tangible and in the near future to be excited about.

Perhaps I need to watch Trigun-I've been hearing oodles about it, all of it bueno...looks interesting enough, even though I've spoiled myself to death ^_^;;...'course, I also need to finish Utena, in a terrible way ::sings "Rinbu Revolution"::-I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FRICK IS GOING ON! I also want to watch all of Evangelion, seeing as I've basically read through the entire story a billion times and love it to death...I'm such a lazy little child...or maybe I'm just busy. Gonna be busier soon, with finals coming up on the 14th & 15th...and then, I won't have any classes with beautiful-boy-in-math-class...sad, ne? He wasn't there on Friday-sick...I was quite disappointed.

Oy vey, I doubt tomorrow I'll have time to blog-I have to stay after school to set up that aquarium I got for chemistry to ~~buy my grade~~ get extra credit, have Japanese at 4, a band concert later...heh, I get to sing of "the ribs and terrors in the whale" again-yay me ^_^! I wish I had some time to blog decently...thought I would this weekend, but that promptly blew up in my face...

Lately I've been thinking that I'm not truly honest with myself, on why I do certain things...some of the reasons aren't truly the reasons I want them to be, they're reasons that disgust me...I wish I wasn't so concerned with my appearance...no, I'm not one of those people who goes to the bathroom every period to fix my makeup, but I'm very very paranoid and self-conscious about my body and face...probably rooting back from my days in Alabama when random people would come up to me and tell me, "You know, you're really ugly." So, because of that, I always think that when people see me they're thinking of how ugly I am, a conceited thought in itself to even suppose that they're paying attention to me O_o;... When I moved to Washington, I gained quite a bit of weight, but now I've worked the majority of it off within the last year or so...because of this, I've become somewhat less self-conscious, but still, I always seem to have the arrange myself, even when sitting, to present the best possible angle of myself-isn't that the most disgusting and shallow thing you've ever heard of? Blimey, I should be above such, but I observe myself doing it constantly, and I hate it...why can't I just accept myself? But what if I really AM hideously ugly and am just denying it...but then again, if I am ugly, wouldn't that just be this particular society, this one I rail against so viciously, the opinion of them? Why would I care? Why do I? Ye gods, I'm such a shallow little creature >_<;;...I don't know WHAT my problem is...I really need to get a grip -_-;...ah well, my sleepy drugs are working now so I'm gonna go crawl in bed...g'night, minna...hopefully I'll be able to better myself and this idiotic problem even a little tomorrow-it's a fresh day. Sortof. Yesterday's problems have the nasty habit of permeating tomorrow...

2001-03-02T22:17:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm in a slightly better mood now-the post was also being aggravated by headache the size of the Colussus of Rhodes, and thanks to the power of 4 extra-strength Tylenol it's mostly fled yonder...went out and ate Chinese, which I've been craving like a loon-unfortunately, I felt like crap and didn't even manage to finish one plate of food (tis a buffet)...went to Home Depot...they asked us to sign up for this $500 drawing for anything in the store, and so naturally I asked for one of those marvelous staircases on wheels, and they said no, the blackhearts. You know, I really have the urge to hijack one of those things-twould be a grand lark. Also saw some brilliant green gutter-pans, which I promptly fell in love with. Don't ask-you're listening to someone who once bought a bunch of different coloured floor tiles as gifts since the school unfortunately got smart and sealed up the area where I was originally procuring them from. Personally, I don't see what the big deal is-they're destroying the thing in a couple years anyway, I just thought I'd help...love 'em-the bottoms have asbestos on them, a substance that I adore the scent of, much like magic markers. During dinner my father attempted to talk me into joining the FBLA, a suggestion to which I nearly choked on my lo mein, laughing-ANYTHING connected to business bores the bloody flaming hell out of me. I don't really see any clubs there I could fit into, besides the News Show production team, which I would simply warp to my own devious purposes (openings from Quidam and Malice Mizer music all the way, baby...PLUS clips from Shinshoku XD)...there's always the diversity club, but I think I'm too much of an embittered anarcho-communist for that, personally. Whatever shall I do? Maybe the ecology crub-I'm a treehugging little pinko now, you must remember. Heh, funny that I am such, when the bloody flaming oil industry is what feeds me-hey, maybe THAT'S why I feel like such a dirty whore all of the time.

Unfortunately, I DID get to go to chemistry for a wee bit today...as usual, the local freaks were ranting about something so I commented that I was certainly glad that they were so ever free from gender stereotypes, only to be greeted again with comments on my remarkable lack of ability to speak English. Bloody hell, I guess I'll just have to study some more, ne? Blimey, I've been on for a while and haven't written crap..I s'pose I should prolly should up...oh yes, on the search entries, I got a NEW yaoi one that I've never seen before-Skies of Arcadia yaoi. Eeto? Heh, the most vivid interaction I've had with that game is asking for the Eternal Arcadia strat guide for an amiga and having the miserable little employee who's stealing my job look at me like I'm completely nuts and then tell me that he's never heard of the game...of course, people think I'm insane because I'm also a female voluntarily entering a video game store without a male comrade...well, in America at least. When I told the Japanese girls in Japan that it wasn't so popular with American girls, they about passed about with disbelief-yes, I do love Japan indeed. Oh well, I'll shut up-gonna call Japan soon, so ja~

2001-03-02T16:30:00.000-08:00

I will NEVER get to Japan >_< ::wails::...today I attempted to go take my written exam, so my mom dropped me off and left because she had to go pick up my brother from school. Took my little number and sat down, and then finally got called up...was then informed since I'm under 18 and thus not human, I needed to have a parent with me, my certificate of completion from driver's ed, and suitable ID. Since I lacked 2 of the above, I left in a rather pissed manner...called my mom's cell, she said she'd be there later, showed up 30 minutes later, and I couldn't do anything because I had to use the bathroom. THE FREAKING BATHROOM. By that time it was about 3:35, and they stop testing at 4, so I was nice and screwed...closed on the weekend and Mondays...plus, my mom screamed at me for such...I contested that it wasn't MY fault I had to take a dump and refuse to do such in a public restroom, to which I was greeted with another "you never consider anything your fault" sermon, to which I suggested when we get home we crucify me in the frontyard for my heinous crimes, invite the neighbors and their small children over, make a picnic of it...I miss Japan something awful...you know, I think it's not just Japan itself that I miss-I desperately miss being able to come home and be greeted by people happy to see me or even ambivalent instead treating me like a sack of crap, I miss being able to escape home, something I can never do here, have no way to do...I have no friends I can go live with-they're all too busy for me. Yes, I see Japan as both a country and one of the few places I've felt like I was truly at home-kinda sad and pathetic that the only times I've felt like that in my natural home were before I moved, when I was an ignorant innocent little wench...Japan is my escape, but it has such a high price...I'm willing to pay; ye gods, I'm willing to pay in blood...yes, I'm well aware that when and if I do get to go back this summer, when I leave it'll hurt like hell...but I have to get out of here-I'm going stagnate and die, just like I'm doing right now, and I would rather bleed to death young but to have experienced some joy than die of being poisoned by my own air here in this personal circle of hell. I wish I could escape >_<;;;...ah well, at least I'm doing what my mother told me-I don't do anything but stay on the computer and play video games...yeah, and I'm a fricking princess. OPEN YOUR BLOODY FLAMING EYES; I AM VERY RARELY ON EITHER...my lord, WHY can't I ever feel wanted, instead of just being a source of tax returns? Maybe that's my problem-I feel like excess baggage. Or maybe I'm just a pathetic miserable laughable excuse for a person who does nothing but wallow in her own personal misery mire. I'd bet more on the latter. Good night, minna...maybe I'll call Japan, call Soba's family and talk to them-it always makes me feel better to feel connected with Japan, reinforcing my belief that there IS hope, that it's not all hell like it seems so oft...I hate being 17. I hate being dependent-it makes me hate myself, being so bloody pathetic that virtually everything I own was bought by my parents, I feel so dirty and skanky, like some sort of nasty whore, and it makes me loathe myself...I'm going to stop whining now, going to go play the piano, let the music fill me instead of my misery, just empty it all out...just forget you read this, please...I just need a place to vent sometimes...

2001-03-01T23:04:00.000-08:00

Went to my little band festival today, and it was rather pleasant-I think we did well for ourselves, considering how long we've practiced (or not ^^;;) this suite of songs (we did Francis McBeth's "Of Sailors and Whales", based off Melville)...well, except for the fifth movement, which we promptly bit >D...but anyways, not too shabby, and we euph's rocked on our ever-so-sexy soli, so I was a happy little Sho. After our performance, we got to watch some of the other bands, and I was quite pleasantly surprised to be graced with the presence of a male flutist, an Asian one nonetheless. No, he didn't look a bloody thing like my muse, but it felt quite weird on the senses for some reason...wanted to go talk to him, just to see if he was Japanese out of morbid curiousity and maybe get a little bit of a chance to practice my nihongo, but by the time I got out of the auditorium, his band was on their way to critique and the flutes were long gone...crap...ah well, I'll live. Ye gods, I'm SUCH an obsessive little freak -_-;...it's scary, really.

Yes Vera, those type of otaku annoy the crap out of me too. Personally, on the whole Princess Mononoke/Hime issue, I usually say Mononoke Hime, just because when I first learned about the movie that's what I heard it referred to as (this was when it just came out in Japan)...still, I don't mind saying Princess Mononoke-it's not some horrid slight. Same thing with the Final Fantasies and their Japanese vs. American numbering system-I personally use the Japanese ones just to help avoid confusion over precisely which game someone is referring to, not just as a purist, though I am rather purist in a lot of respects-still, I don't condescend people who prefer to use the Americanized terms of things, I just use the Japanese because that's usually how I first heard of it or to avoid confusion. Heh, what I think of when I hear the term otaku is one of those über-annoying people who are into anime because of it gaining popularity, and that's the ONLY reason-it's trendy now. Yeah, they seem so into it now, but when something else new comes along it'll settle with the other dust of fads gone by. Very annoying, and detrimental to the anime-fan community as a whole...'course, it's not like we need much more dentriment, just look at this...ah, nothing like sensationalized flaming generalities spewing from all angles halfhazardly, no? Gotta love it...especially how they're neglecting to realize that this is a COMPLETELY FREAKING DIFFERENT CULTURE. Ick...

Ah, Kitsu, but you DO know me (well, know OF me)-yes, I would be the list maintainer of the eternally-silent suikodenfans ML that your sent a mail to for the claimings who never wrote you back because I'm a very evil person...remember me now ^^;;;;? Yes, I do suck-no need to remind me of that...I will check for you, even though I think your particular claimings are taken, if memory serves me well...

Love the Japan rants ye linked to Lauren-that would be some interesting stuff there, ne? And yes, you DO hold the record so far for most fooked up search results-I seem to be getting in a flood of yaoi ones, for some reason, particularly ones featuring the words "Vagrant Story" and "Sydney"...heh, Square was just ASKING for it with that child's boy and outfit...oh, yeah, and a Kuja yaoi search too...once again, look at the outfit...Cannot WAIT to get to Japan...'course, I'm not one for repetition, you know...and Misha, I am MOST elated for you getting your app! If I were you, I'd conveniantly forget to get copies to the school ~_^...not that I doubt that you'd get the recommendation for our school (seeing as you're one of the two people in our school counting myself who's studying Japanese, excluding the native speakers), but the less competition the better, IMHO.

Tonight Bak-chan and I were driving around merrily and the thought occurred to me that if the Illurian Wars by some freak accident of nature becomes popular within certain circles, I have a LOT of mucho slashable people that were never MEANT to be slashed...ye gods, I can see it now, TannyrxTsuoko (there's some SERIOUS yaoi fodder there...all the elements of the perennial slashable couple are present), ShosetsuxShalowei ::screams::...not, they are NOT at all remotely like some of the scary Amiboshi/Suboshi brotherly love Fushigi Yuugi pictures I've seen, that ARE canon...oy vey...people, if you want slash, go see my story Cadenza-all the boy love you can handle and then some (MUSICAL boy love, even. And yes, there's a flutist [named Domenico], though he's the uke...sort of...the seme would be the bisexual Fiore, who's a violin prodigy...the whole relationship started off with Domenico going for Fiore, but Fiore eventually takes over-a very passionate and fiery child he is...and NO, that's NOT the whole plot-twasn't even the concept ^_^)...heck, I can even see some people putting FARANDOLAE and Chloe together O_O;;;...kowai....

Ah well, gotta go once again-I'll get some decent writing time over the weekend for certain, so expect mega-posts then...gotta go read books to elementary school kids tomorrow for an hour for freaking community service so I don't fail my TAP (READ: Study hall/nap time) class ::rolls eyes::...yes, Sho was a bad bad girl for not bringing in 30 cans of food for a food drive, so it's off to the happy land of elementary school...what annoyed me was the form-I swear, these people wanted preferences that were practically down to placing me with teachers who used the same type of tampon I do O_o;...I DON'T CARE. I have no attachments to any elementary schools here, nada-just give me my time slot to skip chemistry and I'll be a happy little freak. Gotta remember not to read too fast ^^;;;...bad habit of mine...and also, tomorrow I'm supposed to get a recording of beautiful-child-in-math-class's band...I'm most curious to hear what they sound like...do I detect another muse? Heh, too late-Mephisto from the Illurian Wars already got a derivative of one of his hairstyles, which is strikingly similar to Soba's...I'm hopeless...he described their band as being "hardcore", whatever the frick that means. Btw, have any of ye looked at all the music genres listed in Sonique? Got some totemo omoshiroi titles in there-"Porno Groove"...although someone today described Malice Mizer's "Gekka no Yasoukyoku" as sounding a bit pornoish O_o;;;...uh, yeah. Speaking of Malice Mizer, I got to listen to a live recording of Gackt on piano and Kami on drums doing a duet-ye gods, it SCREAMED Yoshiki O_o;;...I swear, it had X-Japan scrawled all over it, even though X-Japan and Malice Mizer generally don't sound a bloody thing alike...I DID find a similarity today though-in both the thank you notes for Blue Blood and memoire DX (haven't checked merveilles or Jealousy or the Ballad Best CD), they thank some guy called "sexy rose harry". Any clues as to who this most interestingly named creature is? I'm curious...oh well, I REALLY do need to go now, so ja ne for now my poppety children. And another thing-ye gods, on ONE band trip I managed to get groped, licked, etc, moreso in one day than I have in a while...indeed, I have odd friends...

2001-02-28T22:29:00.000-08:00

Blimey, haven't a whit of time to post-I have to get up at 5 tomorrow to go to a wind ensemble festival four hours away, so I need to sleep all I can. Yes, for those of you who didn't know, I AM a band geek (not a marching one though-the concept of marching can rot forever in the deepest flaming pits of hell, IMHO); have played euphonium/baritone since 7th grade...soooo, I'll write more tomorrow when I get home, and expect it to be massive-I had yet another delightful flaming liberal/flaming conservative battle again, one that we all love so dearly...ciao, minna~

2001-02-27T22:42:00.000-08:00

You know you don't live in a normal household when your mother renames your cat named Aisrael to Aisrael Ur of the Chaldaeans Cheops. Welcome to my life. Well, I went shopping and bought all the fish supplies, and drove fairly well. The only "questionable" thing I did was jump ONE miserable curb, upon which my father about had a heart attack. Isn't that what they're there for? Blimey...but I managed to get all the stuff at a fairly painless price, and so I'm looking very forward to getting all the goodies hooked up tomorrow and letting her rip...'course, it'll be a few days before I add fish, but still I'll be a happy little Sho. My only fear is that some of the vegetables in my class will think it's grand fun to kill the fish in various and sundry forms...if this occurs and I find out about it, the wrath of Sho will be incurred, and it will NOT be a pretty sight, oh no. I'm rather scary when I'm genuinely enraged, and if it involves cruelty to animals...I would rather not be locked up, personally (plus there's the whole rape angle to worry about), but I do NOT take it lightly...heh, PETA would love me if I weren't omnivorous. But I AM excited about this project, and I hope I won't be a victim of new aquarium syndrome...kind of odd, I get a perverse joy out of cleaning things and making them work again...no, not like my room or anything; like, musical instruments, aquariums, those sort of things; I just love it. Oh well, Judging Amy is coming on so I need to go watch my one hour of TV per week. Later, minna...also, Misha, I'm REALLY glad I didn't have to send in 5 photo's of my best angle-heck, I have weird things of me shaving TheWiseOne's toe, me with my hair freshly dyed brilliant violet, me in heels, shorts, and a t-shirt (yes, my sexy one, I KNOW you get off on it ~_^ ::meows::), and in the one I sent Yuri-chan on my intro for the sister-city one is absolutely great-I look like a freaking Bolshevik, about to mow down the Romanov's...ye gods, I'm sure she was terrified when she saw me...heh, I think I'll scan and post it, just so all you can turn to stone...heck, I'll even do a "Japan photo-op" special, just since y'all are all so darn special.

Yatta! I feel special-Lyn linked me ^___^-mucho gracias, mademoiselle. Also, a hearty thank ye to Vera, she who rocks insanely at art and assorted other things, for linking me-most of my visitors come via your site, according to Ye Olde SiteMetre. Unfortunately, I haven't gotten too many from weirdo search queries-I don't feel loved. Heh, Kellilla gets some most fascinating ones, as do others of ye...yes, I DO get some, just not much. They're always fairly normal-usually related to Ayashi no Ceres, a random visual kei band, RPG's, etc-tragic, ne?

You know, I think I found a new song for Soba-Cake's "Never There"...no, not in a lot of the contexts, but the whole calling "long long distance" and "YOU'RE NEVER THERE!" seem to fit him snugly, eh? Ye gods, I miss that beautiful child-no, he's not beautiful like the child in my math class; the first thing I noticed when I saw Soba, his head cocked, playing his flute, eyes closed, was how much passion he throws into his music, how he puts himself INTO it, acts as a conduit, like me...then, he looked up and saw me. I squeaked, turned tail, and ran...heh, I suck. I miss him something awful, and can't do a thing except continue to call, hoping desperately that he'll be home once in a while, until I get back in June...it seems so far away, only 3 miserable months...heh, I'm such a bloody flaming idiot, you know? If I had my head screwed on straight, I would forget about this mental boy in Japan, across an ocean, who probably doesn't even remember my name, and go after some nice calm American child, someone who would counteract my headstrong, wild, passionate ways, someone my parents would approve of. Well, Mom, Dad, I tried that-I ended up being the dominant one in the relationship, to a submissive who almost seemed like a slave at times. No, I'm not whining about something as stupid as traditional relationship roles-I don't believe in them, as you would expect, but it was NOT pretty...and I'm naturally submissive anyway, around someone I like or even love...ye gods, may I never love someone who's cruel to me, heaven knows what I'd do. But you know what? I don't really care about someone to counteract my influence-I want someone just as passionate, someone who puts themself into things body and soul, risking losing themselves, but throwing caution to the wind just to feel that one surge, that tear-inducing ecstasy of feeling of being a condiot...and I've seen part of that in Soba. No, I don't know him very well-I could be completely wrong about him, could be chasing an idea that doesn't even exist, but bloody hell, there is THAT possibility, that glimmer I saw, and I WILL pursue it. No, I'm not basing it off of that one incident, I was around him enough to know what I saw was real, something worth pursuing, and something that I will follow, to the ends of the earth, because of that possibility. And yes, I am quite aware of how big a nerd, dork, idiot, etc I am, and I don't even know WHY I write this for scads of people, some I know, some I don't to read-nobody cares about my personal life, much less wants to hear my whinings and rantings about my stupid, pathetic, little hopeless obsession across the ocean. No, not Soba himself, my own condition. Oh well. Too late for that, ne?

One more blog plug today-jo(e)y's place, an amigo of Mud's-very interesting to read both of their blogs together...ah well, I'm gonna shove off for good now-Happy Mardi Gras to all, and don't engage in TOO much drunken revelry.

2001-02-27T17:31:00.000-08:00

You know what seriously rocks? "Kurenai". You know, the X-Japan song...sorry, but I'm currently listening to it for the 3rd time on my Yoshiki ~Eternal Melody~ CD set, and I am freaking REVELING-Yoshiki is some sort of freakish musical deity...do yourself a favour and get this song or better yet the CD set people, especially if you're a fan of the orchestra...no, it's not like Metallica and the symphony (even though I like that too)-it's ALL instrumental, and it kicks some serious rump, amen and forever. Maybe I DO like my music a bit too much.

Today I got a letter from the University of Idaho's Dept. of Biology and Other Such Madness...these people scare me...I mean, it's all nice and such, getting letters from various and sundry colleges (although I about died laughing when Abilene Christian University sent me something...too bad agnostic/antipodist isn't in the set of options you can put down as your religious affiliation on SAT's and such...), but I kind of feel freaked out when they send me stuff direct from the wings or departments in which I plan to major-I feel investigated...Tulane in New Orleans called me the other day, and I was QUITE freaked out O_o;...heh, I asked the girl if they offered any ichthyology programs and she hadn't the foggiest notion what I was talking about...gotta love that...ah well, I don't suppose ichthyology is too much in demand. Actually, I'd like to specialize in cephalopods, which are invertebrates, not fish, but I love fish too-I suppose I'll just have to do both then now, won't I.

I've been calling travel agencies lately to get some estimates on plane ticket prices for my lovely little trip to Nihon, and have been greeted everytime by people babbling in nihongo, which surprised me greatly...ah well, thanks to my vast amount of experience with Japanese collect-call girls (who hate me ^_^;;;), I know you can make it ALL better with a quick "Eigo de", yeah buddy. It's been around $600, which isn't too terrible in the least. A lot of the places don't know their fares for mid-June this early though, so that's putting a damper on things, unfortunately. Ah well, I need to go shopping for fish supplies (I'm refurbishing this hideously nastich aquarium from my chemistry room [which doubles as a biology room] for extra credit), so I'm gonna go thither and practicing driving whilst attempting not to kill too many folks. More later, hopefully...

2001-02-26T23:17:00.000-08:00

Yes indeedly, I do love the Utena CD's-Misha, you've created a monster ^___^. Anyways, don't have much time tonight but I SHALL rant a wee bit.

You know what sucks? Bloody wrong numbers at 1 in the morning. No, PAM does not live here, ya flaming idjits. Grrr. Another thing that you should NOT do-attempt to have an intelligent debate with a stupid person...now, I know I sound arrogant here, so let me clarify-I am not smart, I possess a complex form of stupidity. No, we're again talking about my fabled chemistry class-we got into a debate over the socially acceptable definitions of words as opposed to their technical meaning, and heaven help me did it get ugly ::screams::...everytime I used a word in excess of 5 letters, I was being exhorted to "speak English"...ye gods, not much irritates me more than people who REFUSE to learn their own native language and accuse others of not speaking it >_< /me glares at Alex...."ICHIBAN!"...it was just stupid-everytime I'd point out his logical fallacies he'd resort to something like referring to my laugh as a "witch on crack"...heh, that's pretty accurate, actually-I should've complimented him. I won't go into more details, just realize that stupid people are NOT worth your time to argue with...personally, my favourite part was when class was over Saint Moron I performed something I think I was supposed to interpret as a gesture of aggression, but it came off as closer to some motion a horny goose might perform (and yes, I HAVE in fact observed horny geese-Sam Houston Jones State Park, baby-nutrias with orange teeth rock ur sox XD)...I don't think that was quite the effect the poor idiot was going for, alas...

Yes Lauren, I *WILL* leave something on your voicemail box soon ^_^;;...I swear! Can't guarantee it'll have a point or even be mildly coherent, but I SHALL leave something at some rapidly-approaching date...maybe I'll do something for you in genuine Sho-dialect; now wouldn't that just be bloody special?

Happy Mardi Gras to all ye, minna-san *^_^*! Well, in most parts of the country it's Mardi Gras...only wish I was down in Louisiana where they celebrate it properly, you know like actually recognize its presence ::grumbles about the North::...ah well, tomorrow I'll bake a king cake anyway and likely wear my hideous Mardi Gras shirt-children, you haven't SEEN ugly until you've viewed this shirt...it's from a golf tournament or something, with broad gold and purple shirts, accompanied by a green collar. And I fully intend to leave my Cirque du Soleil Quidam CD on repeat on "Zydeko" tomorrow XD-heh, no mercy! Speaking of Cirque, I recently heard some insanely disturbing news from my sexy little pet TheWiseOne-apparently, in the Quidam show, Karl, the most insanely smashing of creatures to don spandex and sit in cages, has been turned into a girl. Now, usually, I'm QUITE lax about gender-everyone here and in RL either does or should know that I absolutely adore boys in drag...now, boys OUT of drag are nice too, but I get off on guys in drag at an unhealthly level...heh, yaoi, shounen-ai, shoujo-ai, it's all good ^__^ (well, I DO have some limits-beastiality is not a pretty thing >_<)...but back to the subject-this is BAD. Karl is NOT female...apparently, he is now though >_<;;...for all of ye curious about this glorious creature, here's a site on him...heh, I have a Karl shirt, a Karl doll (that TheWiseOne paid $40 for, the little psycho O_o;-it complements my hide UFO catcher doll most nicely ^_^, as hide's in vinyl), I got ALL the goods baby XD...heck, I had Karl on my birthday cake this year...you know, I really wonder if Dairy Queen keeps a file on all the deranged cakes I've gotten from them, although this probably one of the weirder ones...and he was even an anatomically CORRECT Karl ~_^...yes, my mother has a bit of an ecchi streak, I do fear...I mean, run around my school a little bit and it's quite possible you'll run over something that has "KARL IS GOD" scrawled on it...yes, I had a very weird biology group...ah well, enough Karl-babble; I have to go put the neko's up and catch some shuteye, so later minna...and always remember, "AM-MO-NITE!" XDDD ::cackles::

2001-02-25T22:37:00.000-08:00

Hoi-behold, I'm not publishing as Seifaiden Mizyuanda; I am now back to my usual namae...for those of you who are curious, Seifaiden is the name of Kizu's mech in VEDAS, one of my freakish books whose completion with coincide with the 5th of Never. Also, notice that the archives have been republished-so, if you're a recent/new reader and care to read the past ramblings (why you would I'll never guess, but it takes all kinds), they are now quite available for your perusal. ANYWAY, today at weekly indoctrination was a grand lark-we're supposed to get a new youth minister soon, and because of this my parents are urging me to go back to the youth group and "give him a chance"...personally, I don't really bloody care who is the youth minister, the problem is this-everytime I enter the classroom with the rest of my ex-youth group, I'm strangely filled these intense homicidal tendencies, and they don't like the carpet to get messy. It's a problem, ne? So, I figure it's probably better for me NOT to go, not to mention since I've divorced myself from them my ulcers have gotten better (well, better in the sense that they're not constantly snarling viciously, tossing spittle across the room carelessly, as they attempt to devour my internal organ-only 98% of the time now. Isn't it great to know your own body wants to kill you?)...ick, I cannot WAIT til I graduate and will have no more association with those people...ah gotta go now, ja~

2001-02-25T00:23:00.000-08:00

Yessssssh-another successful drive completed ^_^...sorry, but I'm quite proud of the fact that I've been driving frequently and haven't completely freaked out once-if you'd ever driven with me, you'd understand...actually, I never did it with friends in the vehicle...I think it's partially because my mother and father would freak out and start screaming at me, which in turn caused me to react quite terribly...hopefully I'll be testing in a couple weeks, and then getting my tickets to Japan in my hot little hands...if only it was now...still, I have the lovely AP test and my SAT and ACT to look forward to before that ::rolls eyes::...

Yes, I have found something I like much-German visual kei. I rambled about it a wee bit last post, but since I've been abusing Napster terribly sampling different bands, I think I'm plunging into it fairly quickly...but don't mistake it for j-visual kei, as they're quite different...mostly, I think it's the language thing-whereas Japanese rolls off the tongue easily and has a certain rhythm that I'm accumstomed to, I am NOT accustomed to "ich lieben daberschatten" (and no, I have no idea what that means-freshly pulled from the posterior, boys and girls)...still, I suppose it'll grow on me...I hope ^_^;...currently, my favourite song is Sanguis et Cinis's "Isabelle"-a bit repetitive, but for some odd reason it has this same feel as my major theme song of the moment, "Radical Dreamers"-just this quiet sense of longing...albeit the album version isn't quite the quiet one, but the string version does have that feel...they don't sound alike, it just has the same feel, and "Isabelle"'s partially in English, so I can comprende ^__^...also, Weissglut(that would be White Fire? Thank you Weiss Kreuz for teaching me German...)'s "Unschuldengel" rocks-I started laughing when they start counting in German because of how all the j-visual kei groups feel this need to count in German ^o^...other groups to check out besides Sanguis et Cinis (though I enjoy them much) are Illuminate, Umbra et Imago, Lacrimosa, and Janus...so, go hunt down g-rock...ye gods, that sounds weird...

Bwahaha, currently listening to Luna Sea's "Hurt"-ye gods, such a power song-perfect for Shosetsu, as he's perpetually pissed (the character from which my moniker comes, not me) XD-daisuki...mostly it's the beginning and during the chorus-yes, Sugizo rocks on guitar and even more on violin..."Providence" reduces me to SUCH a miserable drooling fangirl...heck, I've been listening to a BUNCH of stuff lately, now that Metallica's "Nothing Else Matters" has been dislodged off the repeat button-took the bloody thing long enough. For some odd reason, I have this urge to order one of those "Sounds of the 80's" CD-sets, seeing as I AM a child of the 80's and those were the years that shaped me...one of my fondest memories of things from the 80's that no longer exist are the snack bars that were inside all the Wal-Mart's-you know, the ones with the blindingly yellow/brown/orange colour scheme? Reminds me of the lovely shag carpeting we have down here in the basement, except there's random splotches of green thrown to make it just the right shade of puke-love the stuff. Tell me, does anyone know where I might find one of those 80's Wal-Marts? I would be a happy little creature if someone could enlighten me to presence of one...heh, probably the reason I have such a vivid memory of them was because when I was like, 2 or something my mom had put me in that little spot for spawn in the front of the cart, turned away for a second, and I fell out and bellowed quite mightily...or maybe it's because of those stupid hot dog cookers...you know, the ones where the hot dogs roll up and down, and on the little windshield-esque thing on top of them there's a logo for Ball Park hotdogs...yes, I'm a freak...

Argh. I am one seriously disgruntled postal worker. I FINALLY grew some balls and called my lovely muse in Japan and of COURSE, he's not home. He's NEVER FREAKING HOME. I swear, all he does is sleep and eat there -_-;-typical Japanese teenage boy...still, since it's not precisely cheap calling across the Pacific, so it'd be nice to get ahold off just ONCE...instead, I got to talk to his father, which wasn't too bad as he's fluent in English...I find it amusing how I all have to do is say "Abby desu" (yes, that would be my real name, but if you call me that I'll gnaw your arm off, so please refrain unless you're a close/RL friend) and immediately they find one of the English-speakers in the household, even if I'm speaking Japanese...'course, I'm sure I have a very thick accent when I speak Japanese...so, he apologized for his beautiful son never being home and I told him to tell him I'd either call him at like 5 AM my time (eeeeeevil-I can barely speak English then, much less reasonably coherent nihongo...) and just to tell him I'd see him in June...WHY are all my attempts thwarted? ::sighs:: Very frustrating...bloody hell, why does he have to be my muse...?

I do have some bloody smashing nyuusu though-I shall have my own computer in around a month, for free ^_^! You see, my father's being rewarded by his company for getting a good appraisal, and so we get a brand-new Dell PC, and this time 'twill be mine, so more freezing to death in the basement-yatta! Now, I just need to find somewhere in my room to put the thing...speaking of my room, I'm redecorating...I wanted to use one of three themes-The Kingdom of Zeal, Magus's Castle, or Facinaturu, but unfortunately, my family doesn't appear to be too receptive to the ideas of either a coffin with a futon in it or hanging giant velvet curtains on the wall, to make it look like an inside-out Kaaba...crap...nevertheless, it WILL be freakishly weird and uniquely moi, so I'll tell y'all what I decide...maybe I could build a coffin...but I think crushed velvet on the walls would be cool too-very pimp, or maybe aluminum foil...

Lauren, I'm terribly sorry you had to read The Tale of Genji...I tried reading it for fun once, and gradually was being consumed by this incredible urge to shoot to myself in the head the further I went into it-although the title for your paper just plain rocks-heh, I just steal my titles from j-rock or video game songs...I oughta compile a list of all the weird titles I've used...the most recent was "I Died then My Instinct was Born", from L'Arc~en~Ciel's "Shinshoku ~lose control~", which also happens to be one of the most insanely smashing songs on this planet, as well as the PV.

Wai!! Aorah/Saikou linked to moi ^___^-I feel special now...heh, I do wonder exactly how many people read this mad little thing...yes, thanks to Vera, I am becoming quite interested in the Megami Tensei series...need to rent Persona next weekend or something...lately my brother's been renting Legend of Dragoon (for some reason the dragoon transformations always make me think of Bloody Rose...) obsessively and I have these urges to destroy the discs mainly because of the characters announcing their attacks during battle-NO. BAD. Personally, I don't like voice-acting in games PERIOD, but I like it in English even less...I think I've been scarred for life from Toshinden 3-"THUNDER RING!" ::cringes::...of course, it was always interesting to see how they could pull more clothing off Sophia without her being completely nude...actually, way back in '96, when I was in the process of moving up here, I saw a thing on Persona in a Gamefan right when the PSX was still a new thing...I was interested, but unfortunately for Persona, there was also a preview of Gensou Suikoden in the same mag, which I promptly hunted down like a bish in drag...this was also a couple of years before I got my PSX...

Yes Misha, "Liberi Fatali" absolutely positively ROCKS-Uematsu is ever-so-awesome at his Latin tracks...I think I actually prefer it over Katayoku no Tenshi ::ducks the flying kumquats::...btw, does anyone know when Yasunori Mitsuda's OSV for Tsumugu or whatever it's called is coming out? I am muy interested.../me has been playing her Chrono Cross piano book obsessively...speaking of Mitsuda, he's been the major player as of late in my ongoing sleep-music experiment-this week has been Disc 3 of the ChronoTrigger OSV, particularly Zeal Palace, the Ocean Palace, Schala's Theme, and the overworld theme of Zeal (no, I SWEAR I'm not obsessed...)...I think I'm gonna change it to the Mononoke Hime OSV tonight-I looove the ending vocal, but this'll be one of the freaky songs from the "Give us back that head!" segment...speaking of Mononoke Hime, I think that'll be the viewing material for my Mardi Gras party-I've done Here is Greenwood for the last couple years and there well, ISN'T any more, so it seems like a bueno idear. Besides, what's not to like about severed heads in ice-cream boxes? Yes, that's what it was-a bloody ice-cream box, dangit. Heh, that was a most excellent film...

I think I'm going to tell my beautiful creature in math class that he is indeed quite beautiful. Yes, he'll think I'm a freak of the universe, but you only get one life, and I'm sick of not doing things and regretting it. You just have to push yourself-you may not get another chance, and then forever you'll be beating yourself for NOT doing something-time will NOT wait for you, nor go back, so just take a leap of faith. Oh dear me, I DO want to babble some more, but I'll save that for later today (seeing as it IS tomorrow ^^;), seeing as I have weekly indoctrination in a few hours and it'd be nice to get some sleep-I only slept 'til 12 today...and my last piece of advice for the eve is this-drinking a glass of chocolate soy milk late at night on an empty stomach (save for half an almond pretzel) is NOT good. Ciao, minna~

2001-02-23T16:10:00.000-08:00

Leadership. Yes Alruhi, I must agree with you-I don't understand what all the greatness surrounding this particular trait is. People have always told me I'd make such a good leader if I cared about leadership, but luckily, I don't. I don't lead-if I happen to be walking the same path as a bunch of other people, that's just fine; if I'm the only one, just as well...so what's the big deal O_o;?

For some reason people have been commenting lately on my perceived nihilism. Yes, I am rather nihilistic, but it pisses me off when people imply that I do the things I do and hold the beliefs I do just to be different. Just as people will like certain things or convince themselves that they do to fit in, so will others do exactly the opposite for the opposite purpose; yet, the people of the latter camp often despise those of the former as shallow, while they themselves are precisely the same. NOBODY IS FREAKING DIFFERENT. This leads into my own personal belief system-everything is intrinsically the same. Yes, the world has many different facets and faces, but it's like two sides of a mirror-they're starkly different, but still the same. Does that make any sense? I tend to think that the world is aligned into white and black halves-well, those are the terms I'll use for the example anyway...it can apply to any antipodal pair of concepts...some people are more naturally in tune to one side or the other. Of course, it's not that simple-there's more than halves involved, millionths I would imagine...still, that's the basis of my ideas. Hen desu ne?

Yatta! My mom rocks-she bought me some bulbs for these "Superstition" bearded irises, which are these beautiful black flowers-absolutely gorgeous...I'm looking forward to planting them...speaking of flowers, I need to go shopping for some new roses...still, I won't be planting the for a while and won't even be here to see them in their most spectacular bloom, but they're beautiful...I want to find some that are the perfect shade of blood...yes, if you haven't noticed yet, I'm quite the morbid little girl ^_^...I want to plant a lovely night garden, full of reds, blacks, and brilliant whites-things that only unfurl when the sun's harsh rays aren't bearing down on them.

Currently, I'm sampling various zydeco songs so I can make a zydeco CD for Mardi Gras, which is on Tuesday, and is my personal cultural holiday-besides, I need something to play at my Mardi Gras party, even though I'm sure it'll scare more than a few people. It's very...unique. Heh, I have such weird musical taste-as far I know, I'm the only person who can love Malice Mizer, Noir Fleurir, X-Japan, TM Revolution, opera and zydeco simultaneously. Ah well, I need to go-gonna go download some German visual kei. Yes, it exists-don't look at me that way.

2001-02-22T23:36:00.000-08:00

Ick. I was playing the piano tonight and whipped out my copy of the first movement of the Moonlight Sonata, and was painfully reminded how much it sucks to have small hands. Albeit it'd likely help if I cut my talons, but still...ah well, I can dream. I'll keep on playing-I don't really care how crappy I am, as long as I don't have to worry about other people hearing me...it's a nice emotional outlet, especially if I get to pound like in "Let Me Fall" XD...well, not really pound, but on that one climax after the little instrumental interlude-it just plain rocks, even if I DO hate 4-note one hand chords. Nyah.

Today was fairly worthless-jumped into the daily hamster wheel, as usual, then came home, slept for about 3 hours, and studied for 4-5 more. Yes, history is evil, and intensely boring. Speaking of school, yes indeed, Misha and I have the dubious pleasure of going to an insanely racially/ethnically homogenous conservative school, which incidentally seems to hike the rates of people most hostile to "deviant" lifestyles...ye gods, it pisses me off. I asked someone today why gays are such heinous blights to civilization and they said because they're all annoying, loud, and talk too much. Well, at least I know we don't believe in stereotypes around here...ye gods, I can assure you I've met more loud obnoxious straight people, probably just because I know more straight people than homosexuals...still, neither group is limited to those particular traits...I just don't understand why the people here are so hostile -_-*...maybe it's because their parents are, or they've never really had any contact with any people outside their little bubble of this hideously conservative city in which I dwell...still, I wish they weren't...one of my friends and I are thinking of conducting a social experiment in which we pretend to be rather gropy lesbians, just to see how people react to us, as compared to hetero couples. Personally, I think it'd be a grand lark to do it at school, watch us get discriminated against, slap 'em with a lawsuit, and rock. Still, we're not really lesbians, so that could be a bit of a problem...but I feel so horrible for the gay people at our school, and think that the ones that have come out there publically have balls of steel...maybe I should join the diversity club-find some more people who aren't homophobes...you'd be surprised the amount of people there who will ADMIT to homophobia...yes, we're all entitled to our opinions, but I just don't understand senseless hatred and bigotry. Yeah, I know I probably sound like a complete and utter hypocrite, especially since my rant yesterday about cheerleaders, but if I have particular biases against groups, it's for actual reasons...besides, I don't dismiss all cheerleaders-I have a very good friend who was one-but it seems like almost all of them I've met I've despised, just because they seem so bloody shallow and superficial. Don't worry, I don't wantonly despise people-I despise people who have a good reason to be despised. Maybe I'm just too darn antisocial...ah well, when life kicks you in the teeth, you aren't too fond of going back, generally...no, I'm not whining about life-my life from ages 10-12 is almost a blank spot, and the only thing I really remember was the shock, pain, and the accompanying unholy righteous rage...no, I don't really want to talk about it...maybe someday if I'm really brave, I'll post this essay I did for English about it...suffice to say that I didn't adjust too well the first time I moved, and by the second time I was already the happy little pissy pessimistic antisocial sarcastic cynic that I am today, just not as resolute and more unsure. Twasn't a pretty sight, oh no...

Today in chemistry presented me with another facet of popular culture I find inexplicable-why does random casual sex make you so damn cool? I've never understood that, why people brag about such...yup, you're a talented one-dude, it doesn't take talent to have sex. Of course, we're not exactly dealing with the intellectual stalwarts of society in there...but one guy was lying about screwing this one chick, just because he thought it'd make him cool...kinda pathetic, as it was painfully obvious that he was lying, but why is it so important to be perceived as "cool"? Ye gods, I hate that concept-"cool"...I suppose it means that you're at the pinnacle of what pop culture defines that you SHOULD be, and because you have that status, any original thought or idea you come up with is also "cool". Another thing that irks me about the whole cool thing is "cool by association", although in the example I'm using it was "unique by association." Alrighty, you see, in my journalism class I had last trimester, there was this one girl who has this insane fixation with unique-she's convinced that everyone in the school is a lemming, which is rather true in many aspects, but she thinks she and her friends are the only ones who are unique. She also thought I was one of these dreadful lemmings, until I started hanging out during kurasu with one of her friends-I then became unique by association. Of course, I was also deemed a lemming because I don't dress radically different than most of the school and have a letterman's coat...given, I don't dress normal remotely as far as females are concerned (I have a most decidedly male wardrobe and love it), but it's not like I dye my hair several shades simultaneously and wear pink leopard-skin pants (not that I'm opposed to such, it's just that's not me), but I find her criteria for unique rather shallow-appearance. Just like I've been attempting to explain to my mother, appearance does NOT make you something-it's your mindset and beliefs that determine that. And as far as that goes in my school, I'm a little walking freakshow. Anyways, the whole thing about this unique issue started when she wanted to do a spread on the unique people of the school...great idea in theory, but unfortunately that meant basically a spread for her and her friends...she wouldn't even consider other groups who also are different in appearance at the school, such as the cowboys, on her little industrial friends in black. Not that there's anything wrong with industrial music fans in black-heck, I personally love industrial music and do indeed wear a heckuva lot of black, it's that's what she limits the concept of uniqueness to. Sad, she argued so vehemently on the side of uniqueness but in truth she's no different than the rest of the people, nor is anyone else for that matter. And she couldn't even see that. Ah, the trouble with seeing one side of the issue...

Oh, one more thing-I got a very cute Engrish word today-"cattlefish", as opposed to cuttlefish. Gotta love it.

2001-02-21T19:24:00.000-08:00

I've come to a conclusion-I think he would be infinitely more likely to laugh at me, THEN proceed to think me insane than just assume I'm a stalker. Also, quantum physics books can be bloody confusing if you don't know a flaming thing about basic physics...oi, my head hurts >_<....

2001-02-21T16:31:00.000-08:00

Ye gods, I was reading over my posts and noticing just how treacherous my spelling/grammar is...bloody hands don't match my head in speed...ah well, most of y'all are fairly fluent in English, so I trust you can make it through (although we won't make an comments of the authoress's rather slippery grasp of Engrish ::hides behind a rock::...)...so how was today? Well, I think the brightest spot I had in my day was falling asleep during TAP (sort of like a 30-minute study hall, although the poor chap's been mangled into a time period for "junior and senior projects", sweet mother of cheese gods...)...still, it was only for about 10 minutes and getting woken up by a bell sucks dead bunnies, so THAT little pleasure didn't last too long. Math was also most enjoyable-what's not to like about absolutely stunningly darkly beautiful (yee haw, adjectives rock!) children sitting by your side? Well, other than not being able to talk to them coherently and instead sitting and rambling like a moron about nothing...for some reason, I've had this urge just to tell him that he's beautiful...I wonder if he's ever been told that? I'm not trying to hit on him or anything, heaven help me (1. One bizarre mental obsession is enough, even if HE'S on another continent 2. Does the phrase "no chance in hell" mean anything to you?), it's just I'd like to state my observation...it's more of a detached thing, although I'm sure he'd think I'm some sort of scary stalker. Which I am, and something I'm quite certain he realizes although he doesn't need to know to what extent...besides, it's not like I like him or anything-I don't know him at all, he's just beautiful and intriguing...what I mean is that what if I die tomorrow, or he does, and he never knew that one person, no matter how insignificant, thought him beautiful? Eeek, sorry, I know I'm being scary right now...it's just I want desperately to live like there's no tomorrow, not live in fear, just *DO*, but I'm scared to...maybe that's I why I'm so obsessed with "Let Me Fall" right now...no, no, NOT the song by Wood, the one by Cirque du Soleil...when I get back to Japan, I know I'm going to HAVE to carpe diem; my time there will be all too brief, so fleeting and fast that before I have time to blink I'll be back in America, malnourished, having the world's worst case of jet lag, while Japan echoes like a gunshot in my chest, with a bleeding hole that had been filled gushing forth heartblood and tears once agin. Now, isn't that a delightful mental picture? Kinda reminds me of some of the seriously weird stuff I put into essay tests...like, we had to do one on Sinclair's The Jungle and instead of sticking to the topic like a good little girl, I starting rambling about descending the "black spiralling crystal staircase of capitalism" that leads us to the maw of voracious behemoth, or something...the most recent example was an essay for history in which I was referring to the election of Lincoln as a cause of the Civil War, and described it as "the final dark petal blossoming on this bloody black flower"...now, how many other people do you know that use morbid bad-gothic-poetryesque metaphors in HISTORY essays? I'm pretty darned talented, if I do say so myself...if you choose to call such things talent, I suppose...

Today I also got my pamphlet for Running Start, which I shall do next year to avoid the pit known as "high school" in some cultures, and they listed a disadvantage of it as "not being geared towards teenagers"...um, hate to break it to ye, but that's one of the major reasons I DO want to do it O_o;...I'm so sick and tired of going to something labelled "school" that's just a freaking kindergarten romper room...so many idiots, and what sickens me is the parents who raise these creatures...it disgusts me to observe humanity sinking so low into the gutter...and "children are our future"? If they are, PLEASE, do me a favour and kill me now O_o-the last thing I want to do is live in a culture governed by these freaks on a leash...yes, I'm aware that I'm likely coming across as arrogant and hell, but I'm sick of it. No, I don't consider myself the bloody pinnacle of maturity, intelligence, and all things wise and wonderful, but there is definitely a limit, and these idiots passed it a couple eons ago. What REALLY upsets me is how these vegetables can get jobs so easily at places I've applied at repeatedly...do employers honestly look for the glazed look of a hollow-skulled idiot? I don't understand.

I had the unfortunance of watching "Bring it On" the other day...oh, the humanity >_<;;...today, some girls in my math class were talking about it and saying how it made them want to become cheerleaders...that would make you WANT to become a cheerleader O_o;? Quite the opposite for me-I wanted to be one about as much as I wanted to have my frontal lobe sawed off with a length of rusty wire to begin with, but this...THING...made my very toenails curl in fear at such...no, I'm not discounting the hard work cheerleaders who attend competitions put in and stuff, because they do work for it, but I quite unabashedly scorn the act of cheerleading-it's a waste of time, money, and effort. Plus it's annoying to have little girls in things that look like mutated sailor fukus jumping around like a worm in hot ashes (yes, worms CAN jump, dangit) whilst incessantly screaming moronic cheers...I don't know about you, but "BRRRR!! IT'S COLD IN HERE!! THERE MUST BE SOME FISHIES IN THE ATMOSPHERE!!" does not precisely reek of intelligence, IMHO...and then they try to get the school to JOIN them in this idiocy...I suppose they think no one'll notice one idiot if there's a crowd of 'em...yes, I am QUITE anti-school spirit, if you had any doubts beforehand...what sickens me is when people say these are "the best years if my life"...if they are, then someone kindly kill me now, before I rack up a bunch of astronomical medical to maintain a miserable existence...I think they're referring to these as the years in which society does not consider me worthless trash, as I'm a female under the age of 30 and don't look completely hideous (in theory-don't shatter my own personal illusions, please)...

In my always-lovely chemistry class (that seems to be coming up a LOT today, ne?) one of the guys was talking about how he likes all the dance team members, except "the fat one." WTF!? When I swooped down upon him in a fashion similar to a bird of prey upon a weak succulent bit of flesh, he contested that he "doesn't know" her-yeah, and I have monkeys crawling out of my butt. Ah well, at least we don't have judgemental bigots here, nope we sure don't. In another great show of jerks and cretins of all colours, we're in the midst of school elections, and this one child I affectionately refer to as Grand High Emperor of the Asshole Brigade is running...seriously, this guy is one of the biggest jerks I've ever had the misfortune to encounter...the most valuable facet of him is that he could possibly make decent fertilizer...but I'm sure he'll win, since he's a jock and all his damn cool illiterate sycophants will be voting for him...I wish there was a rotting corpse running against him, or a steaming fetid pile of dog dung, just so I vote for it. Sorry, I'm just in a very pissy mood today for some odd reason...doncha just love school popularity contests? People have actually suggested *I* run, a suggestion to which I respond with gales of insane laughter-you couldn't PAY me to be associated like that with my school. Okay, now I'm done with the school hatred hour-onward!

Eeeeek, someone's having loads of fun in Nihon O_o;...ye gods, remind me NOT to go a Japanese doctor...although I almost had to go to a Japanese gynecologist O_O;;...heaven help me, from that testimony, I fear it would've scarred me for life...speaking of gynecology, the nurses at those places are weird-they were so proud of me for "not crying" O_o;...why the heck WOULD I cry? Scary people...of course, that's also where I saw the scary elevator guy...I am quite convinced that he escaped from the mental ward, to this day.

Awww, Aorah wrote nice things about me-I feel special *^_^*...I should write lovely things about all the people who read this, but I'm scared I'll forget someone -_-;...so, no go.

You know, Javert of Les Mis is an insanely interesting character...so moral that it's twisted...my favourite line has to be "I am the law and the law is not mocked!" He's so obsessed with the law, with morality, has so much blind faith the concepts of law and punishment, that when Valjean inflicts him with a little bit of doubt, by proving time and time again that he's reformed, his entire faith shatters and what he held so close, what he bled for, what he rose to, seems distant, cold, and has rejected him, and so he plunges himself into the cold icy river, to die in obscurity. A man who valued the law so much that he aspired to BECOME it, and when he did achieve such in his mind, he still fell short...sort of like Sephiroth...you know how people talk about Christ figures in books? I should do dissertations on Sephiroth figures-too bad I adamantly refuse to be an English major...remember children: JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE GOOD AT SOMETHING DOESN'T MEAN YOU LIKE IT. People seem to forget that so oft...speaking of Seph, at the bookstore there seems to be an influx of Kabbalic literature leaking from the rooftops...or maybe it was always there, silent all these years...? Ah well. I think too much....and he's still beautiful. So freaking beautiful.

2001-02-20T21:04:00.000-08:00

Observed some weirdness today-you know how when people think something/someone's stupid they'll refer to it as being "gay"? Well, today at my lovely table is Retard Chemistry some of the guys (I'm the only fille there) were squawking at each other, accusing each other of being gay...so, I asked why it's an insult and they said it's spreads around, ruins your reputation, and then you can't get any chicks. I said that was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard and they said I wouldn't understand because I'm bisexual, an assumption they've based on the fact that I like "gay guys", referring to my lovely j-rockers and visual kei children. Funny, hyde just got married (yes, he's one of the people on my binders and people always tell me what a pretty girl he is ::rolls eyes::), Gackt has reportedly been married more than once, and from my understanding, not very many of them are actually gay. Not to say that some aren't-some of them are so slashy you wonder and plus some have said they are, but I think that's a bloody pathetic reason to base an assumption on someone's sexuality...of course, that class isn't the one I go to for great intellectual stimulation, either...

I've been working on writing down the trumpet solo from the Cake song "Never There" for this one guy in euphonium section...heh, I was in a weird mood today so not only did I figure it out (like it's so difficult to begin with), but I actually pulled out the nasty ancient trumpet that I ~~stole~~ borrowed from my old junior high and attempted to play it on it...I have awful range on the thing, so I had to play it an octave lower (you start on the higher E in treble clef), but I did...my cats ran away from the room in terror..yes, I think I'll stick to euphonium, piano, and singing...heck, I can SING higher than I play trumpet >_<;;...course, lately, in band I've been playing my euph IN trumpet register. Read my lips people-EUPHONIUMS ARE NOT TRUMPETS. NO PLAYETH THE TRUMPET REGISTER. Yes, we are indeed CAPABLE of it, but I enjoy that about as much as I enjoy having my teeth ground down with little chunks of asphalt, straight off the street; oops, dear me, that DID happen yesterday now, didn't it? Sorry, I had to go to the dentist yesterday, and I'm still bitter-I had horrifically traumatic experiences there as a youth (my dentist was SADIST. I am NOT exaggerating in the least...I think I wrote a post on this once...feel free to go dig merrily through the archives ^_^), so I take none to kindly to it. They told me I needed braces O_o;...I had a retainer when I was a young'un, so my top teeth are quite straight. Sure, my bottom ones look they were arranged by a little parade of drunk ticks, but hey, they work so I ain't complainin'...ah well, I'll get the braces when they pay for them ^___^.

You do mock trial Tengu? I'm sorry...I had to do that once as an English final last year and HATED it with an unholy fervor, particularly because I was a witness and the chick who was crossing me is a vicious wench, and they hadn't prepared me for RE-cross O_O;;;...for some odd reason though, the teacher who coordinates it tried to draft me into it-I responded with lots of laughter, which was incidentally the same response I gave when they told me I was candidate for this "exclusive leadership camp" in jr. high...heh, I may look and bears the markings of an honour student, but I sure as heck don't act like one...I'm like, the honour society reject. Heh, actually they PUT me in it in junior high without my asking, THEN demanding I come to all these meetings to do my duty as a member to a club I didn't want to be in...so, basically I told them to shove it also...it's funny, if you look at all the people in my AP US History class, I'm the class freak; it's almost all über-flaming left-wingers in there ::shudders::...as for pep assemblies, don't EVEN get me started-you'd have to pay me bloody good money to be in one of those things......

Misha, misha...IT WILL COME!! THE APPLICATION WILL COME! YOU SHALL BE IN NISHINOMIYA! I know how eager you are; heaven knows that I'm frothing at the mouth for the flaming travel agency to be ABLE to take estimates on trips in June...called 'em again today, and "No, we're not booking flights to Japan for the summer this early, but we're booking them til the end of the year to Europe!" NO!!! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO EUROPE! Well, unless it's the extreme eastern side of Russia-Japan's just a hop, skip, and a jump away. Argh...I. WANT. TO. GO. TO. JAPAN. NOW. ::collapses in a heap on the floor and has a seizure::...sorry, but I'm freaking out here, and want my flaming plane tickets...I want the assurance that I *AM* going for certain...haven't been practicing the hellishness of driving for naught, ye know...

Today I decided that I'm going to write down my moral and ethical beliefs, get 'em published, and become an agnostic spiritual guru. Isn't that nice? I really SHOULD take some time to scrawl the things down for the masses, just to see what people think...speaking of spiritual matters, my mother asked me the other day what I think happens to us when we die..so, I went through a jolly brief little schpiel about the decomposing process of a human corpse...that wasn't quite what she wanted...she thinks I should be worried about Heaven and Hell and such...personally, I don't think I'm such a wretched vile creature myself...if there is a God, and he damns me for living decently but because of a lack of faith, it'll only justify my agnosticism. Same thing when people ask me why I think we exist-I can't answer you that...but when people DO tell me it's for us to live to praise God, that DOES get under my skin...why would you want to reduce your existence to being some sort of cosmic cheerleader? What sort of god would create people to satisfy it's own ego, then watch them starve to death, drown, get caught in machinery, die of painful diseases, etc? I'm sorry, that just doesn't cut it for me...if I dare utter such blasphemy in the presence of older Christians, they always tell me it's not my place to question...sorry, but I'm not one to rest on my laurels and eat everything set before me, no matter how dubious-looking it appears...sorry for the religious rants, I just have a lot of pent-up free-flying hatred about religion, if you couldn't already tell.

Ah well, I need to go shower so I can get some sleep so I won't be too dead when I jump back in the hamster wheel ashita, and so I watch Judging Amy...later children, and I'll bring you tidings of grand Engrish tomorrow ~_^ (just for you, lauren...although no strip clubs involved...heh, I'd love to take Naoya there-he'd probably pass out an die on spot...)...

2001-02-19T22:57:00.000-08:00

I went to some local pet stores today while doing my driving practice to look up prices for 55-gallon tanks for my cuttlefish...the best I saw for a tank and light is around $100...that still leaves me with the sand/gravel for the tank, lid, food, cuttlefish, and all the associated maintenance supplies...this will NOT be a cheap pet. Still, I'd love to have one, especially since I'm a little cephalopod nut. I talked to the people at the pet store about prices, and he'll likely be around $35-40...he better not die on me. But I'll do my best I can to take care of the little creature...

Driving's been going alright. I'm gaining some confidence, finally-that's my main trouble with driving, I feel so unsure and insecure, NOT good things when you're piloting a vehicle that weighs a ton. But I WILL have my license, hopefully within the next two weeks, and before I can blink my plane tickets will be arriving at my house. Now, I just need to study my book some so I can pass the written test again. Gotta do all this before my 2nd permit expires in June...and Misha, you shouldn't be too afraid to ride with me. I'm not a dangerous driver; on the contrary, I'm too bloody safe (yes, my driving instructors failed me on tests because of this O_o;)...heh, I wish that were more of a problem in contrast to reckless driving...

Haven't been doing much...I've been wanting to draw, but I've been too caught up in all my daily stuff for much...I wish I could survive well on less than 5 hours and 40 minutes of sleep per night-I want to pull the most I can out of my days....ah well, I have to go now...I'll try to find some time to blog decently...

2001-02-18T00:14:00.000-08:00

Sorry for not blogging-I was gone all last night at two different birthday parties, and proceeded to sit outside in a hottub when it was about 8 degrees Fahrenheit, not taking the windchill factor into consideration. Not too bad, except when I had to get out. Anyways, I'm rather depressed. You know how I was talking about going off to see that Chinese dancing troupe the other night? Well, I did and I absolutely loved it. All the dancers were insanely talented, the ~~male dancers~~ costumes were gorgeous, etc...well, I wake up the next day and hear that on their way to their next tour spot they're involved in a car wreck and 2 of them are dead & 20 injured, out of 36. I was one of the last people to see them alive. Good grief, talk about mortality smacking you across the face...I saw them dancing, leaping, flipping, happy and slightly embarrassed at the audience's 5 minute ovation, and now they're naked in the morgue, in steel shelves with tags tyed on their toes like freaking corpses going to market. Well, 2 of them anyways. I don't even know these people, I can't speak to them, nor can they communicate with me, so why I am taking this like I am? I don't know...they were hand-picked from the Beijing Academy of Dance, and obtained special visas to tour with a Seattle-based company...so young, all under 20, and so talented..such a shame...

Yesterday I was at the mall and for my dear friend Bronde's birthday, I got here this monster stuffed catfish pillow from JC Penny-those things rock. So, I enjoyed walking around the mall carrying a 4 1/2 foot long catfish whose tail kept on popping out of the bag...although I did get some interesting looks. Interestingly enough, Bronde's belated birthday gift to moi was a 4 1/2 foot long stuffed porpoise. Actually, it's a bottle-nosed dolphin but it's secretly a porpoise. So, I named it Ezekiel. Too bad my brother's already commandeered it...at her house we had some big ol' discussions on everything from the political spectrum to philosophy textbooks, which I promptly borrowed-Bronde's at the college, so she actually gets real books...I want to go to college NOW-high school's such a waste of my time, and there is little detest more than wasting time...when I say I want to see the world, everyone always tells me not to rush it, that I have the rest of my life...but just how long is the rest of my life going to be? It could be 90 more years or 90 more nanoseconds, although I doubt the latter...still, the world is so unpredictable and life is so short, you can't just always say I'll do it tomorrow, because today may be your last tomorrow; so live life to the fullest. Ye gods, I sound like a bloody preacher...I know that I probably should be going and visiting college campuses this summer instead of going off to Japan, but I don't care-if my plane goes down over the Pacific, I'll die happy-I was on my way to a place I love, and if that's the end of me, I'll be happy for it...I'm not afraid of death, more of the mode of death...the only thing I fear about it is the possibility of my death including my characters and stories, unborn children that will not be miscarried. They're my soulbonds, although not quite in the traditional sense...they don't really "talk" to me per se, they're just people whose souls are old, that I know inside and out, loving both their beauty and ugliness...it's...difficult to explain, so I'm not going to try to tonight. I don't know, I just feel very fatalistic...not suicidal, just thinking that if I die in Japan or something this time around I'll be happy to have been there, just how I'd be happy to die in Louisiana, being one of the places where my soul resides, one of the places where I live, not merely exist like here. This place is..okay, better than Alabama, but I've never and will never truly feel at home here...I'm like a shell here, I want to return to my soul...people say that life is what you make of it, but I cannot make myself love this place, and never will...maybe that's I'm so elated about college-it'll mark my embarkation on the road to doing what I love and getting paid for it, living in a place where I love, and being whole again. Ye gods, I miss Japan...and Louisiana...time passes so fast and I know it's terrible to want for time to pass more quickly, to wish seconds of your life away, but I want to feel the Southern sun on my face again, to breathe that air, want to cry with joy just knowing I'm back, to revel in every second of it...and nothing else matters...the first thing I thought when I flew into Kansai Airport was "Dear me, this looks exactly like Louisiana...."...so maybe I do have some sort of bizarre complex that makes me consider the two to be synonymous; I don't care, now I have two places I love. I'll be happy to know I'm on the same bloody continent as Soba...why does this always come back to him? He's NOT, contrare to popular belief, the reason why I want to go back to Japan terribly; I'd be lying if I said he wasn't partially the reason, but not the sole reason; although I am the type who'd risk everything and sacrifice much just to pursue a fleeting and mad dream-being realistic has it's merits, but let me be the dreamer I am, don't chain me down...heh, we can all tell what Sho's been listening to lately-Metallica's "Nothing Else Matters"...do I have a new theme song ~_^? Eep, sorry-I always go on these crazy rants...I'm too bloody impassioned about most things...

Got a new blog on the side, as usual: a shell full of sand, which would be my friend Serena's sometimes in Spanish/sometimes in English blog-good stuff people...ah well, I'm feeling worn out and cold, so I should probably go...more later, when I'm not in such a fatalistic mood...

2001-02-16T12:05:00.000-08:00

Oh my lord. I just wrote a freaking huge blog and it deleted it....ARGH!!!!

2001-02-15T16:52:00.000-08:00

I'm mad. No, more disappointed, disillusioned, and mad. You see, I was reading the paper about people trying to pass an iniative that would ban exotic pets. But no, that's not where my beef is. Mine is where they were describing the testimony of a woman whose pet serval mauled her 4-year-old daughter. Alrighty children, let's dissect a couple of things here: 1) it's not generally not a good idea to leave small children around cats the size of Labradors. Do we detect a whiff of neglect here? 2) I'm sure those of you who own cats/dogs/etc know that animals do not take kindly to irritating small children who constantly speak at around 250 decibels or so and who whenever they decide to interact with said animals, either tug violently on various pieces of anatomy or attempt to pick up the animal while reshaping it's innards simultaneously (Shou doesn't take kindly to them either)...so, this woman needs to get off her kick about how the terrible vicious serval who emerged from the very pits of Hell, as smoke wafted out of his blood-soaked maw, mauled her child. Ye gods...and the sickening part was that the newspaper seemed to agree with her O_o;...oh well, what do you expect, I'm in a racially homogenous conservative state, and humans reign supreme, gotta dominate yessirree bob. Sorry, I have much corked-up bitterness that's leaking rancidly onto this blog...it's just stupid people who refuse to think that heaven forbid, THEY might be even PARTIALLY responsible for things that make me run around and commit multitudes of vicious crimes with an icepick.

Did I show this particular link off to the frothing masses yet? If you think religious symbolism in games is sometimes ridiculous, let me introduce to one of the most ~~freakish~~ original people to read stuff into these games...also, good news-Toastyfrog, that oh-so-sexy of sites, is now back up so go there and roil in a fervor of orgasmic ecstasy for a few hours. Ah well, I'd love to ramble more but I'm supposed to go with Bronde to watch a Chinese dance troupe so more to come. Later minna, and be sure to check out the new blog on the sidebar, as well as *gasp* visit the miserable hovel this horror is based from.

2001-02-14T20:33:00.000-08:00

Well, I did it-today was my first day of driving practice. Yes, I hated it, due partially to nervousness that I'd kill someone after being out of practice for so long and partially due to the fact that the sun was blazing directly in my eyes, which is NOT a good thing when you're driving. But I don't think I did too awful for myself...sure, took a few corners a bit on the wide side, but not terrible. I'm getting that feeling I got last year when I found out I was bound for Japan for certain-just the elation of "I'm SERIOUSLY going to Japan."....I know it sounds crazy and dramatized, but it takes a little while to sink in. I know once I get on that lovely 10.5 hour plane flight there I'm going to be itching to leap out and SWIM across the Pacific...which would be bad because on the way I go you get to skirt by Alaska and the Aleutians, and in general hang out over pretty darn cold places. Still...I need to remember that this is not final, but it's so hard to. I WILL get my bloody license if it kills me, and I WILL be in Japan this summer. I still have to present my father with all the figures for plane ticket costs and stuff to get my loan, which is on hold because the travel agency I'll likely use isn't even taking inquires on flights during June this early so I can't get an estimate...I'll just have to contain myself a little bit more, no matter how difficult it is.

I would like to wish my dearest Brondeling a happy 17th birthday ^___^...indeed, this same day, one that is much beloved by chocolatiers everywhere, is also the day of her birthday. Crap, now I'm not numerically older than her. Yes, I have problems. So sue me, when I was younger in Louisiana everyone was always older than me, so now I'm having my own childish little form of revenge. Nyah.

So what's my rant today? Eh, I don't really have any at the moment-I'm fairly tired, as I just finished my exercising for the day, plus I went to sleep in history. Oops. At least I have a 4-day weekend this time around, so I can get SOME sleep...

Be proud my children, for I finally have located a college that suits my needs and will only have me up to my eyeballs in debt til I'm 50 instead of 80: The University of Guelph. Yes, Guelph. Isn't that just the most insanely smashing word ever coined besides "gubernatorial"? I do think so myself. It's in Ontario, so that's one feature-American money is worth more than Canadian, which works greatly in my favour...they also offer stuff in ichthyology, my ever-elusive little science that I plan to get my doctorate in, and it's suitably out of state. So, I shall be a Guelphite. Hopefully. Isn't that just special?

Ah well, I need to go drag my miserable carcass into the shower...I DID have some links I wanted to post, but I'm a lazy little creature, so more later. Also, one last thing-singing Javert's parts on the Les Miserables OSV is incredibly fun...

2001-02-13T15:58:00.000-08:00

Heaven forbid, I didn't blog for one day O_O;...I do believe hell has officially frozen over...ah well. I have some excellent news and some, well, not so excellent news as well. The bueno nyuusu is that my father said he'd seriously consider giving me a loan to get to Japan...if I get my driver's license. Yes, I'm sure that doesn't sound so horrific to most of you, but you have to understand that there is little I hate more than driving. Personally, I wish my father would've asked me to get all my teeth horrifically ripped out of my tender bloody gums or something, but no, it has to be driving...for all of the curious, yes, I can drive; yes, I have finished driver's ed; it's just one of the most stressful activities humanly imaginable to me. I am VERY high-strung (those of you who get to observe me in RL know exactly what I'm talking about ^_^;), so driving is not fun...when I do get upset driving, I have this awful tendency just to stop dead in my tracks in the middle of the road and completely refuse to move. Either that or immediately pull over, get out, and sit in the back, refusing to drive. So, in short, I freak out around people who CAN'T drive and proceed to have large issues...it's not pretty...but this is a situation where it boils down to one decision: Do I hate driving more than I love Japan? I love and miss Japan in a most monstrous and searingly painful way...so I guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet...yeah, I may have a license but that doesn't mean I'm gonna use it ~_^....

I've been bloody craving Chinese food, and tonight my father comes home and announces that he's taking us out to Red Lobster for Valentine's Day...ah well, I can't complain-Sunset Colada's, cheddar bay biscuits, and squid (COOKED) are quite the culinary delights. So, I'll write more after I cause myself to gain about 4 pounds or so. Ja~

2001-02-11T16:47:00.000-08:00

How smashing is this? I just bought a Chia Pet shirt-oh yes, it rocks intensely. Except for on the chest it says "Watch it grow!", which my parents think is referring to my breasts. Lessee, #1) it's a guy's shirt #2) girls, I don't know about you, but I have two breasts, so why it refer to them as a collective O_o;? Brother...but it's awesome ^___^. I also went to the hemp/anti-Republican store in the mall and restocked on cone incense-the hemp one smells disturbingly good. Oh yes, I've also discovered that you CAN own cuttlefish as pets, and so I plan to do so. I think I'll name it Bob. Well, either that or Divine Holy Emperor Saint Tutankamen Ignatius XXXVII. Or Chilanthus, Lord of Unholy Fury. Still, I need to read up on how to properly care for them, get another big ol' tank (I'm thinking 50 gallon), figure out how to properly maintain a salt water tank, etc...but I WILL have a pet cuttlefish, dangit.

2001-02-10T23:26:00.000-08:00

Oh wait, here's an insanely smashing cephalopod site...eat your heart out.

2001-02-10T23:24:00.000-08:00

Okay, I've calmed down considerably, so I'm not going to be as scary in this rant ^_^;...surprisingly, I was able to talk about my religious beliefs with my parents with out them freaking out for once-maybe there's hope yet. I don't know, I just clash with my parents. My father is generally pretty calm, loud, jovial, and cracking jokes every five seconds. My mother, she's quite similar to me, just on the right-wing, so we clash MUCH ^^;...it's rare that we're able to have a serious conversation that isn't a huge battle. So it felt nice-if only my mother and I weren't such passionate and intense people, perhaps we'd get along better....
I'm snowing outside and I'm listening to the Ayashi no Ceres OP, "Scarlet"-very beautiful and sad, with lots of piano. I want the sheet music...you know, I love looking at new, untouched snow-it's the epitome of perfection, surrounded by the silence-I love it. I just want to lay down, let it completely cover me, and sleep, bathed in the silence of the night and the sound of falling snow. It's an absolutely exquisite scene, and reminds me why I love winter so much, even though I detest the cold itself. Now, if only it could stay so perfect, but I know it only has a few hours in such a state, and when the morning comes we'll crunch all over it; such is the fleetingness of beauty. Augh, this song is so beautiful-I'd love to play it, to let all the power and sadness of it be wrenched out painfully through my person, and to sit quietly while I cry for it. Yes, I cry quite often when I play the piano-being the conduit for pure emotion is a major thing. Actually, I cry more when just listening to music-I'm such a weiner. Very few people actually see me do such though-most people have never seen me cry, nor could picture it. Music....I love it to the point of insanity. In my opinion, it's the only form of beauty that won't die-you can play a song over and over, then reproduce it; you can never reproduce the beauty of a truly beautiful person or creature, and they'll eventually die. Yes, one can have pictures, but that'll never capture the truth of it...it's even worse if the beauty is not physical, and you have to be around that person to experience it, and then they'll pass on, and that beauty will die with them....dear me, I'm being odd again. Yes, I'm drunkenly obsessed with aesthetics....
Eeep, I'm glad your father's alright Misha ^^...although your poor Montero >_<...vehicle totalage sucks dead bunnies. And yes, I'm quite glad you liked Quidam-I adore Cirque du Soleil to the point of insanity. It's so surreal it's almost freakish...okay, I admit, it IS freakish and bizarre and I'm certain that the concept people were smoking boatloads of crack when they thought up some of this stuff, but I love it *^_^*! I encourage you to watch it more than once-there's lots of weird little effects always going on in the background, and I notice new little details all the time.

You know how I've been conducting my odd little experience in seeing if weird music produces weird dreams? I think I got some evidence last night...hoo boy O_O;...or maybe it was because I started another Carlos Castaneda book, Tales of Power...I dunno, one or other. The song in question this time was "Star Tower" from the Chrono Cross OST...I started having this dream that was like a heinous series of nightmares. It's very rare that I start lucid dreaming (meaning during the dream I'm conscious of the fact that I'm dreaming), but you know it's not good when in your dream you start begging to be let free, to awaken...finally I did (I had fallen asleep whilst reading), but then went back to sleep and had more weird dreams. This one involved being in Port Aransas, TX, aka the armpit of the continent. It's near Rockport, if any of ye know where that is, and it's only redeeming quality is that it's right on the Gulf of Mexico, so I can go play on the jetties there, and let the ocean spray cover me and go home coated in a thin layer of salt. Yes, I love that particular aspect, especially as the sun sets. But anyways, back to the dream. For some odd reason, I went to a pet store there and purchased two little cuttlefish-don't ask me why, I don't think that you can even keep them as pets. But then again, people also keep squid and octopus as pets, so it's entirely possible. So, I had these two little cuttlefish in one of those bags and happily walked home, which was incidentally my old church in Alabama (one odd facet of my dreams is location-it's not uncommon to be in my lawn in Washington, with the house looking like my house in Louisiana and the inside being my Alabama house)...well, then I had a problem-I couldn't remember if cuttlefish were fresh or saltwater creatures. So, I called the lady and she said they were saltwater; all my tanks are freshwater, so I had to go out and get another 30-gallon tanks for my new little pets. Unfortunately, it took me three days and I was convinced they had died so I refused to look inside the paper bag that the petstore lady had deposited their plastic bag in....don't ask, when I was about...oh, 5-6, I had this INSANE obsession with cuttlefish-seriously, I would go check out all these huge thick books on ichthyology and cephalopods and read encyclopedias religiously; yes, I was a very very peculiar child, and have grown in to a most peculiar creature as well. Although why they're showing up in my dreams, I can't imagine-must be the weird subconcious acting up again. Ah, here's a little blurb on the magnificent cuttlefish, just so you can appreciate their greatness. I should find more sites for my favourite ocean dwelling creatures, sunfish (mola mola), vampire hell squids (heh, Michelle, remember them ~_^? Nothing like vampyroteuthis infernalis...), Greenland sharks, sturgeons, batoids, and other freakish things of the deep. Don't look at me that way, I plan on becoming a very accomplished ichthyologist, particularly in the realm of all things cephalopodia. I SHALL become the leading authority on vampire hell squids...ye gods, that name rocks XD! Although they're as weird as they come-look like bloody spiky pineapples half the time O_o;...ah well, such is the life of a vampire squid from hell.

2001-02-10T17:20:00.000-08:00

With all the crap about Valentine's Day being slung around so much you need a fricking shield, I've come to a conclusion: the creature known as "the ONE" does not exist, and never has. No, I'm not speaking from personal experience, I'm saying it's nothing but one of those stupid Western myths. I'm sure all the hopeless romantics in the world are currently banging on my door with torches and pitchforks, but it's what I think. Why? There is not one perfect person for everyone-destiny does not exist. I don't know why I'm being so pissy-probably because all this Valentine's Day crap gets me in a bad mood...all the advertisers and the media are spouting all this corny crap, the cut-throat media-it makes me sick. Yes, I know it's to make a profit, but it irks me how easily people's emotions are manipulated, and all these starry-eyed girls I see, dreaming about the day they'll meet the fabled "one". Yes, I have loved; I have felt "sparks" or "chemistry" or whatever the heck you deign to label it (I think I'll stick to hormones); but no, I'm not searching for the "one", or waiting for him. Yes, I may be searching for something, but I know that it's not limited to one thing, person, etc...even when you're in love (for your information, I am currently in love, with an ideal. Quite the one-sided relationship.), thinking that this is the "one", there are hundreds of other people who you could be feeling the same way about...I'm not articulating very clearly -_-;...I don't know, I'm just tired of this. And no, don't dismiss me off as one of those "victims of V-Day heartbreak", because I'm not-a day is a day is a day-doesn't matter if it's February 14th or November 23rd. I'm just...tired. And very frustrated. I can't read because I have this hideous headaches, my glasses aren't helping, and basically every single weekend I feel like utter crap, and am then carted off to weekly indoctrination like a calf to market, surrounded either by strange random people who I don't know who come up and hug me and whatnot (I am NOT a touchy-feely person; thus, I do not appreciate these people's twisted idea of "friendliness") or the little group of disgustingly shallow hypocrites who I detest and vice versa (aka my church's youth group), although their reason for hating me is that I'm one of the few people who would dare speak out against their idiotic antics, the way they harrass those less fortunate and then gape in wide-eyed innocence and bloody denial, and just blame it on that witch-girl; she dyes her hair and doesn't dress like us, nor share anything in common with us, so she must be. I hate going to church class. My younger brother is in their, and he has a motley assortment of mental disorders, which have affected his level of maturity. So whenever, he misbehaves or does something less than socially acceptable, I always am greeted by their flaming disapproving stares, telling me it's my fault and tsk-tsking....ye gods, it's bad enough that I have to get religion crammed down my freaking throat constantly, but worse when you're sitting a class and everyone is heartily agreeing with something that's intrinsically and utterly wrong to you and you can't do anything, can't speak out, because your father is a "leader" in the church which means he has a perfect darling little family who dutifully mimics everything he says and does, have to sit and be counted for something you protest...it sickens me, makes me feel dirty and unclean. But I can't just not say anything because of my father-I'll be crucified, stoned in the aisle by all the vultures ready to go for the little heretic apostate's throat. Personally, I'm all for it-let the murderers stare at the blood on their hands for defending their religion by violating it, but I have to be a good little dutiful Christian girl-that's what everyone assumes. Funny, how very few of them even question my beliefs because of my actions, just assuming I'm one of them...aren't unbelievers supposed to have horns and eyes that burn like flame? Funny, for being one of the lost, I feel like I know quite where I am.

Sorry to all those Christians who I offended. The only reason I'm particularly bitter against Christianity is because that's what's being shoved down my throat; if it was Islam, I'd be ranting about that. I'm just writing how I feel, and this is my only outlet...

2001-02-10T00:37:00.000-08:00

Alrighty, time for a nice little FFIX rant ^_^! So, if you haven't finished it and have no desire to be spoiled, I suggest you leave via any of the links on the side on the page .....anyways, here goes: what the HECK was up with Zidane on Terra? He was like, Cloud and stuff ^^;;...I don't know, but some parts of the plot aren't too coherent for the moment...plus, what was up with Kuja pulling a Kefka/Emperor Gestahl thing with Garland? Kuja doesn't strike me like Sephiroth did in FFVII-I actually felt something for his character, for his plight, for the tragedy of him. Same thing was Ramsus. They are share several things-silver hair, genetically engineered (in Sephiroth's case, it was more like a sort of eugenics, planned breeding), psychotic, have major grudges, are beautiful...although I must say, I felt more sorry for Karellen in Xenogears than Ramsus, but Ramsus was more pathetic than anything...I dunno, Kuja doesn't seem to have much a motive in the game, and the motive provided was weak at best. He's also the most insanely bishounen of all these silver-haired children...good lord he's pretty...but still, it dosn't make much sense. I did like how whenever Kuja went into Trance mode you could see his tail again ~_^...I still need to finish it-perhaps that'll explain more. Ah well, more later-I need glucose.

2001-02-09T21:39:00.000-08:00

That's it-I'm gonna call Japan tonight, and I will NOT back out this time. I've talked to people, and now have the proper Japanese phone-vocabulary as to not completely embarrass myself if I ring the relatives...heh, how appropriate-I'm currently listening to the MIDI of "Obsession", of which I have currently forgotten the artist -_-;...
I was disappointed today. Usually in ACTION CHEMISTRY, I have one person to discuss interesting and bizarre things with, but he had gotten high earlier this morning and was a bit...off...so no go..although I was acting psychotic because of people getting my blindspot. I dunno, it's one of those things that freaks me out. I'm prolly just paranoid...

Got in my Tropicana Orange radio today I ordered off eBay ^___^...surprise surprise, the thing actually works-the lady informed me that it didn't. I was just buying it for nostalgiac value to begin with, but a pleasant little bonus nonetheless. 'Course, I haven't listened to the radio in ages...irritates me too much. The bloody radio is the reason why miserable little pop groups are so popular-radio play what they want, and thus the public only hears what the radio blasts out-if you want to hear music other than what they feed the masses, you have to go dig for it yourself. It's truly sad how much they overlook...if I had money and could drive, I'd love to go to random clubs to listen to the local bands there...actually, there's one I very much wanted to see performing tonight, but I can't go-tragic, ne? I wish I was in a band. You see, I have an interesting dilemma-a vocalist without a band. Most likely because in the particular genres of music I like, females are quite the uncommon sight. Well, not necessarily things that LOOK like females-no shortage there-but actual girls...I'd love to be in the visual kei industry-twould be grand indeed.

Now that I have a SiteMeter, I'm quite amused by some of the search engine queries used to find this miserable hovel-my favourite so far has been "evil lawn gnomes" on Google, my own personal search engine of choice. Great stuff people-although some people have gotten far more interesting queries than I...'course, I've also had mine for a grand total of 2 days...

My little brother rented Legend of Dragoon so he's currently monopolizing the PSX. Looks pretty, but I haven't heard any music that enthralls me, nor seen any evidence of an excellent plot. I think I'll stick to at least finishing Harvest Moon for once, and then FFIX after that-I'm one of those lazy people who when they get to the end of a game they don't automatically try their hardest to beat it-I let it sit around for a few months before even attempting. Speaking of games, the Game Boy Advance is looking quite delectable-I'm not really a fan of portables (save for The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening and Tetris Attack), but I'm sure my sibling will get it so I'll get to play it anyway.

I've been playing "Crucify My Love" quite a bit on the piano as of late-haven't messed with my game piano books in a couple days, although when I do the songs of choice are "Dancing Mad" from the FFVI book (the entire freaking thing), "The Ship of Sleep & Regret", "Small Two of Pieces", and "Light from the Netherworld" from the Xenogears book, "Life-The Distant Promise", "Kizu no Toki", and "Radical Dreamers" in the CC book, and all sorts of goodies from my ChronoTrigger book. I really want to get one of the X-Japan piano books, but I haven't the foggiest where to get one, other than going to Japan and digging around myself.

I'm trying now to find good theme songs for all my ILW characters-it assists greatly in writing for them. Shosetsu in particular needs one-I'm thinking Luna Sea's "Hurt", but I haven't seen a translation of the lyrics, so I don't know if those quite suit him, but the song's feel and sound definitely does-rather pissy, as Shou is. He's quite the bitter little boy-well, I shouldn't say bitter-he's jaded and despises the world for it, as he's somewhat of an idealist who realizes that he cannot change the world alone, and there are none who will help him-they're all absorbed in their own pathetic little worlds, ignorant to the "real" world. Well, in Shou's opinion anyway. No, I don't really think like this-he's not a self-insertation character, far from it. I have never had one, and never intend to. The closest thing I have to a SI character is one who looks vaguely like me (Vanya Kuiskus from Bloody Rose), minus a few pounds. All my characters possess at least one aspect of my personality, but that's where the similarities end and the characters themselves develop into separate entities. They develop rather freely-I don't do much developing; what I would refer to as development is just me acting as conduit for them. I suppose I think of them as real, and me as not. Well, in a way. They're in their own world, and I'm their conduit..eep, sorry, weird ramblings ^_^;;...I think I get a little too absorbed with these hundreds of people who live in my head...

I don't like Final Fantasy VIII-however, I must say that Liberi Fatali rocks. Yes, I do so enjoy Nobuo Uematsu choirish angry pieces in Latin (Katayoku na Tenshi anyone?)-particularly that one. Sometimes I wish I was Catholic, just because I'd love to go to a monster cathedral, tones of pipe organs and a haunting choir ringing against the walls-yes, I'm quite aware that not many Catholic churches today do their services in Latin, but I can dream, ne? 'Course, being a solid little agnostic also creates a bit of difficulty in that particular arena...oh well...I need to go, I'll post more sometime, and hopefully something with a little more substance for once. But first, a very delightful blog linkage: Adobe Scribe of the Garden of Random Insanity's blog-she's one of the people that got me to start reading the "His Dark Materials" series-weird good stuff there...plus a bloody cool name for a trilogy...

2001-02-08T23:37:00.000-08:00

Did I also mention that the new blog linked in question (that would be Shibuya), the maintainer has a thing for lovely little Japanese boys? I do approve most heartily of her taste.

2001-02-08T23:33:00.000-08:00

Just got back from a play, and as usual, was hyped up and dramatic-I really felt like just bursting into opera on the streetcorner, all alone save for Bronde and the buildings of downtown, but I resisted. Ah well...I do have some rants, but I've been surprisingly lethargic and sleepy today (since around 5:00 anyways) so I'll be brief...
Lauren, Shosetsu (aside from being my most common online alias) is one of my characters from one of my many twisted novels-in-progress, and is probably the one I feel closest to. He's blue ^___^. Yes, I am a possessor of many odd fetishes-blue skin, blue/green/black/silver hair, wings of any sort, freakishly skinny guys, transvestites, bloody people, mental characters, bishounen/biseinen, fangs, vampires (there goes the blood thing again), accents, striking complexions, vinyl, leather, pleather, spandex (particularly of the orange variety), plastic, guys in makeup...can we see the visual kei influence? I think so...
Right now I'm listening to X-Japan's "Kurenai"-bloody good song, although I look goofy as can be karaoking (yes, it's now a verb) it. My voice doesn't particularly lend itself well to that style of song, so it's...odd. Yes, I have tried singing it opera, and it wasn't pretty. Hilarious, yes, but not pretty. I love the album intro on Blue Blood-strings rock. Actually, now that I think about it, "Kurenai" is a Yoshiki song...why I am not surprised? I also remember in SaGa Frontier in Facinaturu seeing this big ole pit that looked like an entrance to hell or something that spoke, calling itself Kurenai...hen...ah well...anyways, got a couple news links on the sidebar for all ye to check out, so I'll ramble more ashita. Ja ne for now~

2001-02-08T15:45:00.000-08:00

Yuck. I'm downstairs typing whilst my mother's walking on the treadmill, watching Dr. Laura -_-;...oh yes, gotta get my daily dose of bigotry...I REALLY do not like have the right-wing crammed down my throat-I don't try to force my views on others, why should they force them on me? Bah...
You know what I've felt like lately? Gardening. Yes, it far too cold in this region of the continent at the moment, but I'd love to have my own little plot, and plant all sorts of bizarre plants-belladonna, monkshood, etc-yes, I'm a freak...or have a night garden, full of white flowers that bloom in the eve and seem to glow in the light. Particularly, I'd love to grow waxflowers-those are bloody weird and cool looking things yes...or a black rose...indeed, I'm obsessed.
In my "special" chemistry class, we're doing lots of soil tests. Well, today we were doing calcium, aluminum, and sulfate testing, and the testing reagents are rather toxic, so the teacher spent a disproportionate amount of time explaining to us how dangerous the chemicals can be if we aren't careful. Of course, the first thing that happens is some genius spills half the bottle of reagent on a table -_-;;;...wasn't in my insanely neurotic group (we're all pretty bizarre, but at least literate and not complete idiots), luckily....actually, during chemistry me and another person had a pretty interesting dicussion on the relativities of good and bad-I discovered that my personal philosophy (which I'll detail when I can feel my hands -_-;) has a lot of similarities to Taoism, and I've never previously studied this particular religion...I dunno...ah well, I need to go-lots of homework and I won't much time later, so I'll write when I get a chance...

2001-02-07T23:30:00.000-08:00

I feel old. We're going through so many years so flaming fast in history class, and I'm realizing just how quickly time goes by, how short my life is. It's bizarre-through the short amount of time we've studied, millions of people have lived and died, people who never imagined the history that we're reading right now, and in the future history will continue to go on, even though I haven't the foggiest idea what will happen...I don't know, it's just a weird feeling, being in tune with the cosmos and knowing that while your body eventually fail, shut down, and rot, the flow of time is eternal...well, until the universe collapses in on itself, but if that does happen it won't be for a great while...but what would happen to time then? What is the nature of time? Is it like a river, in the space/time continuum? Argh, I hate video games-it's their fault that I get these odd thoughts planted in my brain and then proceed to ruminate over them for excessive periods of time...
Don't beat yourself up about the picture, Vera-it's quite delightful, IMHO ^_^...sorry if I was being critical and evil ^^;...I don't want you to be so down on your stuff, as you know quite well I revel drunkenly in it-heck, I envy you terribly for your artistic talent. One of the things I truly wish I could do better is art...speaking of art, I just love the scarred child, Tengu-muy interesante. Eep, there I go again with the Espanol...too bad more people don't do lovely vaguely disturbing artwork ^_^;;...
I've been listening more to my new CD, and I have a couple more tracks I love-"I Will Remember You", "Adia", and "Possession", the latter especially...of course, "Building a Mystery" is my utter and complete favourite, but those others are smashing too. Now I want to get the B-sides CD, specifically because of Sarah's rendition of "Gloomy Sunday"-another one of my theme songs. I absolutely love that song as well, particularly her version (as opposed to Bjork's and Sinead O'Connor's...I do like Diamanda Galas's, though I don't really count it because it's different in the lyrics...)...
Don't worry Misha, the apps to go to Nishinomiya will come out soon enough and you'll be on a plane before you can blink, and come back in just the same amount of time. Trust me, I know how you feel, and I'm physically aching to get back there...need some decompression, as I've been feeling particularly longing and spacey as of late. Not really spacey, it's just my mind is elsewhere, far away across the ocean, as is the rest of my being. Maybe that's why I'm so maladjusted now-I'm not truly here...I lived in the past for years, and I think I'm trying my darndest to do it again, yet time will always progress, and you can't go back in the past no matter how many tears of blood you shed. Suffice to say Shou has been listening to "Radical Dreamers" yet again...I think it's because of the lovely in my math class too...the reason why I first noticed him anyway was because he bears some resemblance to my little Japanese obsession, so I suppose part of my fascination with him is just a twisted, pathetic attempt to be near someone I cannot physically be by...now that I'm getting to know him slowly, I realize he's not some sort of American incarnation of Soba-kun, but a completely different person, even though they do share some mental problems ^^;...I don't know, I desperately want just to babble at him, get to know him and to see his soul, but the best I can manage is usually math-related questions. It's weird-he KNOWS I'm stalking him (sort of-I don't crawl outside his window with a flashlight, nor would I if I did know his address -_-;), and he seems to visually acknowledge it...sometimes he acts like he wants to say something to me, but won't....it's quite odd, when we're not physically near one another he'll stare at me and such, but in class, right next to each other, naught...I don't know what to make of it. I know I won't have him in any classes with all likelihood next tri, so I should utilize the time I do have at the moment...ye gods, I miss Soba, I miss my muse-and I doubt he seriously gives a flying rat's arse about me, but it's my lot in life, so no biggie I guess. Sometimes it's just more acute, and lately has been...this is how "I Will Remember You" applies, directly. All the people I met in Japan, I'll remember them forever, as they changed me, changed my focus elsewhere, but I feel I'm just a fleeting shadow, and few will remember me, maybe occasionally think of me, but certainly not daily...
Okay, I'll shut up about that. Sorry, this is one of the few places I can rant about such-I don't feel very comfortable talking about it to my friends in public, I don't talk to my parents about jack, so this is best I can get to destress...besides, I'm sure most people would think I'm crazy for chasing an ideal...yes, I'm in love with an ideal, not a person-I barely know him...plus we're in a situation that's nearly impossible...from talking to some of my Japanese friends, American/Japanese relationships with a Japanese guy and American girl aren't kosher in Japan. Personally, I could care less if he was Israeli, Indian, from Djibouti, or whatever...ah well...
I'll do a better rant tomorrow if I have time. And remember kids, don't drink the blue blood...

2001-02-06T21:48:00.000-08:00

Yarp. Beware, for Shou is on a doodling spree once again. Not that I particularly good at it ('cause I'm not ^^;), I've just been doodling a lot of stuff, particularly during Civics and ::drumroll:: ACTION CHEMISTRY (aka the chemistry class for the illiterate...do not even ASK how I got in there, it's not my fault >_<)...anyways, today I doodled a halfway decent profile picture of Shosetsu (no, not me myself, but my own character/soulbond who I got the name from), so after school I decided to get my little miserable self down to the art supply store and I got a purty little box of 36 Prismacolours. Not a bad price either-they were marked at $18.50, but the lady saw my school coat and gave me a discount. So, I've been busy colouring him...it's kind of anal, but I enjoy it...still, it's freaky how I can be concentrating so hard that I lose all track of time...so, hopefully I'll have my pretty one coloured completely by tomorrow and scanned...heh, if I feel brave I might let the masses (all 2 of ye) view him...for once, I drew a decent picture of Shou with his hair down, heaven forbid...and the reason he has those big ol' chunks is GEL, people. Yes, blue demons too own gel, and use it. So there.

After getting mein bleistift (that's pencils, for all ye non-German speakers like meself. Seriously, the Spanish habit is going to be seriously toned down with the aid of my German dictionary ::holds it high in the air as a glow emanates from it::), I decided to drop by the petstore and pick up a couple more neon tetras for my aquarium, as my own neon and cardinal need some more groupies. There, I saw one of the most bizarre sights-a 5-legged cat. Seriously. Eek, gotta go, more later~

2001-02-06T15:59:00.000-08:00

Alrighty children, today is going to be one of those grand philosophical and poetic days. Isn't that just special? So, here's what we shall discuss today: Switchblade Symphony's song "Clown":
CRYING LOUD
YOU'RE CRAWLING ON THE FLOOR
JUST A BEAUTIFUL BABY,
YOU'RE NOTHING MORE
CLOSE YOUR EYES,
YOU'RE CRAWLING INTO SLEEP
I SWEAR I WON'T BREAK YOU
IF YOU LET ME TAKE YOU
WHERE THE WILLOWS NEVER WEEP
WHERE THE WILLOWS NEVER WEEP

COMING QUICK INTO YOUR WONDERLAND
FLYING HIGH ON BLEACHED WHITE SAND
TRANQUILIZED BY LIGHTS
YOU LOSE YOUR WAY
WELL JUST COME WITH ME
AND I'LL MAKE YOU SEE
WITH ME YOU'LL WANT TO STAY
CAN BABY COME OUT TO PLAY

CIRCUS LIGHTS ARE SHUTTING SLOWLY DOWN
BUT STILL YOU'RE UP IN THE AIR,
AND LOVING YOUR WINGS
MY DEAR YOU PLAY THE CLOWN
YOU'RE STILL UP IN THE AIR
AND LOVING YOUR WINGS
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN WHEN YOU COME DOWN
My theory on this song is that is that it applies to America. No, stop looking at me like that, I have reasons. In the scheme of the world, the US is an exceptionally young country yes? And surprisingly prosperous for being so young as well...so, I'm interpreting the song to refer to how everything is going so well, but it's got to crash sometime. It's lulled to sleep, ignorant and oblivious of problems, and simply enjoying the time now, ignoring the dark days to come...eek, sorry, I'm easily amused and probably read wa~y too much into things. Oh yes, I have another excellent poem for the masses to read, this time by Stephen Crane:
"In the Desert"
In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter -- bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."
Heh, I love weird poetry, don't ye? Ah well, more later-I'm drawing, dangit.

2001-02-05T22:55:00.000-08:00

This has to be one of the most insanely smashing poems in the universe:
"The Barbecued Monkey"

by

Brian Hudson

Walking through the forest across the soft ground.

I see a monkey who is tied and bound.

As I approach to set him free.

He attempts to bite little ol' me.

In fright and shock,

I reach for my Glock.

As I mow down the trees,

I fall on my knees.

I hear a great cry.

And watch him fly.

How high he went I'll never know.

To this day we call him Joe.

For a free kill.

He made quite a meal.

This is how Joe died.

It wasn't because he was cooked and fried.

Now, don't you just feel freaking refreshed? Ye gods, I love that poem-the guy who wrote it just plain rocks, and now I want to meet him. There's another smashing poem I got from Nikoru, but I forgot the entire thing, so I'll look it up and post the flaming thing ashita.

Here's an interesting little quiz for all ye: 54_77655,00.html>The Goddess Quiz. My results?

25% Persephone

25% Athena

25% Aphrodite

8% Artemis

8% Hestia

8% Hera

0% Demeter

Ain't it grand? I get the Demeter thing-I'm about as nurturing as a bag of rocks.

Ick, yesterday at church someone called me a goth. Not that there's anything wrong with goths-heck, I am pretty bloody gothic most of the time, and I don't consider myself one. I defy categorization, generally-if you're intent on labelling me, than I'd prefer to be called an eccentric or a loony. Still, the thing that irritated me was that they assumed I was goth just because of a) I dye my hair black b) I wear a lot a black c) I wear my Nazi boots. Why can't people understand that an affiliation with some sort of group is determined by mindset, not appearance? Yes, appearance can be an indicator and show someone's group affiliation, but don't limit it to that. Out of curiousity, what precisely is the gothic mindset? As far as I interpret it, it's a fascination with and appreciation of dark beauty; as far as that goes, I fit the mold like a glove, as I'm an aesthetic freak. I dunno...at church, I've also been called a witch because of some of my more gothic (as the the style of the period) dresses, as at school...I'm just me, not what someone else chooses to call me.

My parents are continuing on their crusade that I'm too immature for college. Tonight, I was being told how naive and innocent I am, with such a sheltered life. Yeah, I'm about as innocent as a new-born baby rat. No offence to rats, of course-it's just the last one I had took a dump on me...ah well, later minna~

2001-02-05T20:03:00.000-08:00

Hoi minna. Sorry for the horrendously depressing postage of erstwhile-I'm that way quite often as of late, though I generally try not to let it reflect too much in my ramblings. Still, every so oft a wee bit seeps through...suffice to say that I have some issues that I plan to resolve at least partially this weekend sometime ::steels self:: ANYWAYS~

Yerp, I didn't post jack or crap even yesterday because I felt like utter trash most of the day, plus I had to do all my lovely homework on which I procrastinate madly ^__^;...so, I shall ramble especially this eve, ain't it grand? So what did Shou do today? Slept through 1st period (it was fun)...heh, sometimes I just don't feel like playing my lovely and large euphonium-I think piano suits me better, even if I do suck sacks of dead goats. Hey, at least when I play something it generally sounds like the song in question, at least...my latest obsession (besides all the forms of "Radical Dreamers" found in the piano book, anyways) has been X-Japan's "Rose of Pain". Yes, the entire thing-I must say, it sounds far finer when done by hide and Pata's guitars than Shou's mother's piano ^^;;...when strike out on my own, I really would love to own a piano. Or a harpsichord. Or both, as harpsichords rock da house, foo. Actually, pipe organs whip both of their sorry arses and then some-I want one. I think I'll buy a nice monstrous little cathedral, replace all the lights with sconces, sleep in coffin, be nocturnal and practice opera at night and then wait for the neighbors to come armed with torches and try to burn me at the stake or something...in the least, at least attempt valiantly to drive one of the buggers through my black little heart. Yes, I have too much time of my hands. Still, it'd be nice to be better at piano...maybe I shouldn't have quit...it's just whenever I was assigned to practice something I'd end up practicing transposing video game music instead, and my teacher didn't have a great amount of appreciation for either Shadow or Terra's theme, so it didn't work out too bueno. Now I want to procure so opera lessons, but that's as likely as me winning the Irish lottery so there. I need a job.

Oi, today I shall go thither and purchase a Sarah McLachlan CD-mirrorball. I don't own any of her schtuff, plus this particular CD has several songs I adore-namely, "Building a Mystery", which is the theme song for one of my obsessions (the ever-so-rare American one, heaven help me). No, I don't have crushes, I have obsessions-it's fun, you should try it sometime. The guy is a freaking bloody black rose-darkly beautiful, with thorns included (and no, I wasn't just referring to Cerise, if anyone here has any vague idear who that is~), but that doesn't deter me. Unfortunately, I'm sure he thinks I'm an insane psychopath without an ounce of seriousness in my entire corpus...still, I s'pose it's a good thing-I am Soba's whether or not he knows it. BU~T, I refuse to address that subject for the moment so I'll move on...

Heh, kitsu, love the little thing about Marcus and Narcissa Whitman-the bastiches had to die! It's nice to find someone who thinks like me-the entire über-conservatives in my history class certainly don't. Particularly, the whole thing about "manifest destiny" pisses me off beyond belief-just how bloody arrogant must you be to think it's your God-given right to expand all over the continent!? ARGH!! It's so infuriating, hearing this country's history...and then the whole thing with the Native Americans-I'm not even going to address that one, as I can rage for hours, and I'm not even Native American O_o-Yo soy 50% Slavic, baby, and the rest is a healthy mishmash from Italy, France, Britain, Holland, Germany, Ireland, etc-dude, my ancestors seriously got around, eh? No wonder I'm so darn weird-looking...I have lots of people ask me just because they can't figure out for the life of 'em where I'm from. Heh, now it's even worse since I'm a raven-locked woman. Personally, I like the combo of black hair and blue eyes-very striking (either that or people want to strike you).

Erk, during math kurasu today these people were complaining about their "low" $85 paycheck-heck, I'd take that in nanosecond...SHOU NEEDS A JOB. I AM doing my part to try to get one-turned in 3 apps today to random grocery stores, with resume's attached. Still, I'm a little embarrassed when I turn in app, as the people automatically flip to the part where you scrawl in your previous employers, and I have naught -_-;;...I HAVE TO GET TO JAPAN! I wish my family would just give me a loan...

You know, I just received exactly how much random Spanish I interject, when the closest thing I have to Spanish blood is my Mexican cousin by marriage and his half-Mexican kids. I need to start using more stuff, as I sound like some sort of Chicano on crack. Therefore, I have pulled my Czech and German dictionaries next to me just for all y'all's benefit-be ploud. Yeah, fressen Ziege, yo. No, don't ask me to pronounce that-I'll fail miserably.

Mud, the Sugarland you often refer to wouldn't be the situated near Houston now, would it? I used to live in Sulphur (you know, out next to Lake Charles in Louisiana) and drove through there 1.4 billion times on my way to great Texican desert between San Antonia and...something, as my folks are quite the Texicans themselves, though my brother and I aren't. All I really remember about Sugarland was this road with a bunch of cute little Mario-esque trees on the side of the road in rows-Houston, I remember this huge Sphynx head on top of this nightclub called "Night Magic" or something...I dunno, maybe I'm doing all this weird reminiscing because I'm missing Louisiana like...like my frenula. Actually, lemme check how to spell it-SCREW YOU WEBSTER. It's not in there. Anyway, a frenula is the little flap of skin you have that connects your upper lip to your gum, usually up above and between your two front fangs. Yeah, did you ever notice you had one of the bastiches? Yes, I had one in a previous life, but my flaming orthodontist, may I dance on his grave, cut mine out with some scissors. No joke, I was gassed out for this one, but quite conscious-I just spent the entire time staring out the window at the terra cotta cat planter and not looking down. Kind of bizarre, when they were sewing the wound closed I started giggling because it tickled-dunno which is scarier, why I was giggling or the fact that I was indeed giggling. So, if you feel like life blows big chunks, just remember-you still have your frenula. Crap, this is bugging me-I'm gonna go learn how to spell it. Whoa, freakin' A, I WAS spelling it right-divine invention from mana-hime, off course. I had a good feeling! Um, never mind...

Heh, here's an interesting site I stumbled across-it's the Trichotillomania Self-Help Network (You are not alone)! Yes, a support group for trichotillomaniacs just like myself, although I never knew I needed a support group for this particular little afflication. For all ye in the "not-know" kategorie, trichotillomania is the disorder of compulsive hair-pulling. No, I do not spend my time yanking out wads of hair-I do my eyebrows. NO, not plucking, but I just sort of run them under my fingernails (or should I say talons? I *DO* draw blood...) and the hair comes out...so, now the edges of them are thinning out. You can't tell because I colour my brows black anyway, but it's a terrible little habit. Heh, my mom's even worse-she has a freaking hole in one of her brows. I like to refer to this charming little habit as "trichin' out", so it's all in good fun. Yes, I have problems-various ones, but I'll save that rant for another day. So, if you know someone who needs Tricho's Anonymous or something, direct them there. Yeah.

Oy vey, we have another blog to visit: it would be Kellilla's monkeysticks again. A fine little entertaining establishment we have here, both low-calorie AND filling, with free tequilas after 8 on Tuesdays. Now the what frick kinda deal is that, huh?! You ain't gonna find THAT too many other places now, ya hear...

You know what sucks, besides large rotting deer corpses in your front yard and self-insertation 'N Sync fics (bring on the yaoi, baby! Heh, personally, I like 'N Sync and all those horrid little...THINGS with the fire of a thousand suns, but still, it'd be a gas to do a full-on lemon to freak out of the fangirls ^O^)? Essay tests. I always get too involved in them and think up freakishly bizarre metaphors and then never finish...heh, today I was comparing Lincoln getting elected to the final petal to bloom on a black bloody rose...I think the best one was when I started ranting about socialism and was calling capitalism a dark crystal staircase that leads to the abyss and the maw of death. Or something. Oh well, gotta go get pants. Ja~

2001-02-04T01:02:00.000-08:00

Crap. Have you ever wanted desperately to do something but you just didn't have the bloody SPINE to do it? Something you've done time and time before, but now you just can't...
Held in young hands,

That light is shivering

I've come all this way

Wandering the edge of time

I came, still searching

I don't even know your name, but

One little feeling

I just wanted to hand over to you

Sometimes I catch and hold

Love and pain, tightly in my arms

It will fade away, but

I'll remember

Forever...

It'd been echoing in my chest

For who knows how long...

Though it's a whisper tinier

Than a drop of evening fog

Toward the darkness of the frozen stars

A spinning prayer

May it reach to your distant skies...

No, I didn't write that-it's the English translation of Chrono Cross's "Radical Dreamers", and has been my theme song for the past 6-7 months. Still, I think it's better in the original Japanese-most things are, when it comes to translations. I know I should shut up my whining about things I have control over, things that all it requires is my own will, but I just feel empty right now, and sad. Overwhelming sad...not like, pain, but just like something integral is missing. Reminds me of the lines from another song, Delerium's "Euphoria (Firefly)"; "I never want to lose/what I have finally found/there's a requiem/a new, congregation/and it's telling me/go forward and walk under a brighter sky/every night/glowing like/a firefly...."...now, not all that counts, but some of the lines strike home frighteningly hard, and roll in circles in my head for days, endlessly....I think I'm going to go sleep now, as I think too much and have my weekly indoctrination in the morning anyway. I'm sure I'll be less depressing tomorrow, minna-san. At least I'll try valiantly....oh, and Misha, if ye want me to stop babbling on the phone you can just tell me to shut up, as you well know I can and will talk for hours ^^;;;...as evidenced by this blog...thank Deus for keyboards-pencils and writing utensils are not kind to Shou.

2001-02-03T18:57:00.000-08:00

Schlotzsky's sandwiches are the nectar of the gods. Seriously people, get yoself down there and ask for a small Deluxe Original, with no onions-instant Nirvana. I swear, olive oil and black olives themselves are the magic bullet...anyway, haven't done too much today-cleaned my big aquarium (the 30 gallon one-I have another 5 gallon one for my betta, Omega), so I feel better about myself. Ye gods, Neüf takes some serious dumps for just a single 8-inch long plecostomus O_o;...lessee...I re-dyed my hair black today, so I don't feel like such a freak anymore. I WAS planning on growing it out and then redying it, but once I laid eyes on natural hair colour, I remembered why I dyed it in the first place. Eek, gotta go, more later~

2001-02-02T22:46:00.000-08:00

I wish I had a MIDI keyboard-I really do. I was goofing around the piano a few minutes ago, and I started spontaneously composing one of the songs off my forthcoming (meaning before I die, hopefully) album-AHURA: Requiem for Venus. Stop laughing at me-I can hear it from here. No, I've always wanted to produce my own little record-nothing poppy, mind you-heaven help me, it'd prolly get BANNED from the radio, just because of the weirdness of it. Ahura would be the name I'd use for myself, seeing as it can mean either angel or demon. Nah, I'd prolly change that-but I like how it sounds and looks, ya know? Anyways, I have some song lyrics written which I REFUSE to post-the title song, "Requiem for Venus", is my own tribute to a creature, more of an ideal, when he dies. It's heavily tied in with the concept of aware (pronounced "ah-wa-reh")-sadness at the death of fleeting beauty. No, he's not dead; no, I'm not planning on killing him, it's just when he dies I'll mourn the loss of one more flickering blue flame of dark beauty, and this is my tribute. Yes, I am weird, and have obviously been listening to far too much Malice Mizer. Anyways, one of the others, "Pathetique", is another tribute, this time to Sephiroth of Final Fantasy VII & Ramsus of Xenogears. No, not to them directly, but to the spirit of them-tragic, tormented beautiful creatures, created superior to all in all their ways-utter perfection. But then, only to find out they're worthless-mistakes, copies, experiments, accidents, one-winged bloody angels. Heh, if you think that's weird, that's just the LEAST of your worries. I think I think too much...or maybe am just too obsessed with the concept of dark, dying beauty...heck, I'm just too darn obsessed with LOTS of crap....

You know, Misha mentioned something to me the other day-I have this fixation with blood. My last ICQ nick was Tenshi no Chi (that's Angel of Blood for all you non-Japanese speakers out there ^^), the name of this blog is -bloodwing-, which is a vague allusion to Sephiroth (he's one of my freakish obsessions, if you couldn't tell already *cough*), my history and civics binders have bloody Fei of Xenogears, bloody half-nude Najato of El-Hazard (the first series) on a mountain of black velvet, bloody Vincent Valentine (you know, that smashing picture from the cover of the Satan Impact doujinshi?)...yes, I do admit I have a bizarre fetish for blood. I don't wear much red, interestingly-just a lot of black, although I have been known to occasionally wear things like brilliant eye-blinding orange every so often ^_^...and I have noticed that in some stories, particularly Bloody Rose (there it is again ^^;;;), all the pictures I draw seem to come out with blood O_o;...yes, Shou is a freak indeed. Heh, if you think I'm scary here, you should've listened to me when we did the section on fetishes in my psychology class last year-I bet I would be a freaking picnic to analyze, with all my insanely bizarre fetishes. Thank you Japan, for giving the world visual kei and along with that fostering 5.9 billion sick twisted fetishes on my part.

Yatta! Yuri-chan should be home soon and so she's gonna see if she can get me able to converse with my muse in Japan via el telephone. Or la telephone, even. DENWA, okay?! The child is NE'ER home, so I always end up conversing with his non-English speaking family. Sure, they're cool and all that, but it's EXPENSIVE. SHOU IS POOR. IL ES NO BUENO. Heh, and Vera thought I'd only be speaking English/Japanese...just wait until I learn more Czech to inflict upon all ye XD...

No Mud, 'twasn't an accident that you're linked here-you're just so darn special that I was COMPELLED to. Besides, aren't you more than a LITTLE frightened to be linked to this particular blog? I mean, *LOOK* at some of the stuff here-I could run my own one-chica freak show with no difficulty. Still, I feel special to be mentioned in someone else's blog-yes, my self-esteem is that starved. Same when my hideous site is updated, which is WILL be truly updated soon-currently, I'm fixing all the crap on the links page and am industriously changing things to make it more streamlined and less ugly ^^...my FTP is being the epitome of evil right now though, and it ain't none too easy.

I have a phone stalker. Isn't that just freaking great? She's a 9th grader at my old junior high, and we've precisely once in real life. She asked for my number, and I gave it to her, thinking it not unsimilar to those people who sign their number in your yearbook-they never call you. Well, this chica called SIX FREAKING TIMES the DAY I gave it to her. She's nice and all, but I don't even call my best friend that much O_o;...and each time she wants to converse for like, 3 hour increments. So, naturally, I do my best to evade her...personally, I try to get my parents just to tell her I'm dead or something I that I'm busy sacrificing virgin goats in the backyard to some demonic effigy of unspeakable evil...'course, they won't. So I usually find something to do whilst nodding absently and saying "uh-huh....yeah....indeed....etc" every so often for good measure-generally it involves my PSX. Aren't I just a cretin? Don't worry-if you're someone who knows me in real life and actually DOES call me once in a grand while, this is special treatment I reserve for her alone. I wish there there was just some polite way to tell someone to NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN. I mean, on the day I got back from Japan, *WHO* is the first person to call me?! Good lord, I was in a VERY hen na state, suffering from acute sleep-loss, starving (NOT good when you're a hypoglycemic, lactose-intolerant ulcer child.), going through July 20th for the 2nd time that day, actually speaking English naturally for the first time in a month (dude, I sounded WEIRD when I got back. I stopped at this little media kiosk at the Sea-Tac airport to pick up a copy of Time or something and the cashier asked me something...I had NO clue what he was saying, and so naturally said "Eeto?" and he looked at me like I was completely off my rocker...it took so long to stop saying "Sumimasen" instead of my usual "Pardon me" O_o;...not to mention "tabun/chau" has become a permanent fixture in my daily language, along with hordes of other things), plus guiding a half-sleeping Japanese girl around who's suffering from all the same (minus the sleep-the little cretin slept the ENTIRE FREAKING TIME. INA~) around...eek, sorry-tangent attack, Part VII of a dozen a day.

Holy crap, I've been singing a LOT lately-particular Javert's songs from Les Miserables, which rocks. Oh yeah, plus the regular assortment of stuff ranging from Hebrew to Czech songs about raisins. Don't ask-my mom's half Czech, and she comes from a rather...unique family, so it's ALL the genes, buddy. I mean, I started randomly singing "Gloomy Sunday" Sarah McLachlan style today during history-not very loud, so it was kinda crappy, as that song can be quite the high little tune. What I am singing now? Malice Mizer's "Transylvania"-"Drink from me, and live foweVAAAAA~"; hee, I love Gackt *^_^*. Well, not really-the creep left Malice Mizer to become a POP star. Yes, he writes his own music and lyrics and stuff, but it's POP!! Ugh! Oh well, at least he's slashy-gives me a little bit of a thrill, anyways, as Misha and her family now knows, thanks to my "Vanilla" commentary ^_^;;;...still, I love his voice and just the way he sings certain songs-such as "Gekka no Yasoukyoku", which we all know and love, thanks to my never shutting up about it. Ever. Heck, thanks to me never shutting up PERIOD. Oh well, I need to go do something-finish Xenogears, for one thing. I'm a rabid fan of the game, but yet I haven't even FINISHED it yet-course, I was letting some other folks borrow it for extended periods of time, but STILL-it's embarrassing, considering I got it the day it was released.

One last thing children - yet ANOTHER blog to visit: Kitsu's Lovely Whatnot. Heh, I'm such a blog whore-LOOK at all the blogs I have linked! Still, they're all more than worth it IMHO, so go visit. Anyways, later my children-I've been writing long enough, though I still have more to say...

2001-02-02T18:33:00.000-08:00

You know what I love? Bread dough. Raw freaking bread dough. The only problem with it it ferments in your stomach and so you have this heinous beer taste coming up in your throat all day. And yes, beer has to be one of the nastiest tasting substances known to man-daikirai, amen and forever. Speaking of amen, what's up with Bush's plan for funding religious aid groups? Ick, the joys of having a Republican in the White House. What the Aryan Nations group over in Idaho comes up with some good teen drug abuse help program? They should get funding too, provided it works-it's based on how well it works, anyway. Why can't people use their heads and just keep religion and the government SEPARATE? Even better-now Ashcroft's in their too. Whoops, there went gay and environmental rights out the window. Might as well kiss THEM goodbye, seeing as they're on their way out...

Today in Civics we were looking at the political spectrum, in regards to Communism, Socialism, and Capitalism; I now think instead of pure socialist, I'm probably in between socialist and communist. For some odd reason, I have this overwhelming urge to wear a red shirt that says "tree-hugging pinko" on it. Not that I own one-heck, I wish I did. I wish someone would even MAKE the flaming things, for that matter...probably just because that's my father's darling nickname for his leftie daughter.

I hate math. I really do, partially in part just because it's evil, partially because of the stunningly beautiful guy in there...eek, later...

2001-02-01T21:30:00.000-08:00

You know, if you set "The One Who is Torn Apart" off the Xenogears OSV on repeat all night, all the time, you shall surely have freakish dreams. Indeed. Maybe I should change the tracks once in a while...

2001-02-01T19:10:00.000-08:00

Yuck. I'm freaking cold again, and too bloody lazy to build a fire. Oh yeah, and sick too. Ain't life just one big freaking picnic? You know it! Once again, I'm listening to Luna Sea's Period CD-I'm too lazy to even go upstairs and change the CD's. ANYWAYS, I gotta another new blog link for the masses:Mud's blog, Forever Broke. Speaking of blog links, I finally fixed all the links-bad HTML habits die hard, I suppose. But be sure to go visit Mud's blog-he reminds me of myself strongly in some ways, which can be kinda scary. Eck, it's so hard to write right now-my brother has Outlaw Star on as loud as it can be, plus Warcraft II on the other PC-I guess he's just awesome at multitasking or something.

Oh, I have a new rant today-why do people always try to destroy my dreams? I want to go to a nice college extremely far away from here, and all my friends ever tell me is how I can't get in with such a low (3.13) GPA, how my SAT scores won't freaking matter, how I won't be able to afford it...dangit, anything is possible if you MAKE it happen. I don't usually protest much when they tell me these things-I can be a bit of a doormat sometimes...why do they do this? I will NOT go to school here-I want to see the world, I want to be independent..besides, like 90% of my school population goes to one of three colleges around here...

Ugh, my brother the Great Mature One is testing out the Orc Warcraft 2 WAV's, keeping the burp one on repeat-my family just plain rocks sometimes -_-**...

Today I spent half the day watching educational-access Japanese programs, most of them containing two chicks who talk about their "kirei" "hana-dizain" and "yuumei na dizainaaaa" scarves...no, Shou has no life. Well, when she's not sleeping, at school, or at church. And the Kanji Korunaaaa part made me want to cry, too-I HATE KANJI.

Does anyone know of any place I can get anime shirts that aren't A) Dragonball Z B) Sailormoon C) Plastik or any other pathetic ripoff or ecchi or anything? Oh yeah, and none of that baby tee crap, either-I am 100% crossdresser, baby. Well, to a POINT...no, seriously, I VERY rarely dress like a girl, and virtually own no female-intended shirts-well, save my black ribbed spandex shirt-stop looking at me like that, I have some weird crap in my closet. I should put a "House of Style" section on my site or something...

2001-01-31T23:19:00.000-08:00

Here's a lovely true story from the ever-fascinating life of Shou (no, not like the other ones are fake or anything)-alrighty, thanks to my trip to Nihon, I now shave my arms. No, no, I don't do it to imitate them-I've always thought my arms were hairy and nasty, so I guess being in a culture where arm-shaving is kosher just gave me the little boost I needed to plunge into it with open arms. Whatever. Anyways, I use a Mach-3 razor for men-these things ROCK, as you have to try pretty darn hard to nick yourself. Well, I broke my Mach-3 so I had to use my other one, which of course results in my lovely smooth skin being sliced like a spring ham. Not pretty neat cuts, mind you-chunks of flesh missing. Well, I was shaving before school so I got dressed and went in a hurry as usual...so, I got to school and handed someone something and they looked at me oddly and ran off....I looked down and then noticed that I had proceeded to bleed and smear blood all over my arm in a most lovely and stylish fashion. Oops. Perhaps I should actually you know, check to see if I look a battlefield before going to school. It's not like enough people aren't scared of me or anything...so, the moral of this freakish tale is that wristbones suck. Yes, wristbones-*THEY'RE* the reason I always nick myself so heinously! If those flaming things weren't protruding -_-;;...what's even better is when people see my scar on my wrist from where Aisrael freaked out on me and ask me if I clumsily attempted to commit suicide (he cut me freaking deep so it's a nice monster scar)...or if I shoot up heroin, as my elbow-pits have been massacred from many many IV's and various other things stuck into me -_-;..what was even more fun was the time that Russian nurse was sucking my blood and thought I was gonna die (the worst thing I'd do was pass out O_o;) so thought she'd keep me alive by pressing her bloody fingers so hard around the needle that I had these nastich green/yellow fingerprints in my arm for weeks-the heroin people LOVED that...

Luna Sea's "End of Sorrow" & "Rosier" just plain rock. I love the part in "Rosier" when Ryuichi does his little "Yurete yurete yurete" thing-cute! I love listening to freakishly fast spoken nihongo-kinda like the "namida wo" part in Malice Mizer's "Gekka no Yasoukyoku", the best drunken karaoke song on the freaking planet. Seriously, get about 2-4 people to sing it all in the most hideously off-key manner you can and it's great. Same with X-Japan's "Forever Love"-good stuff people. Actually, I also love Luna Sea's "Providence"-we NEED more guitar/violinists who are just as pretty and slashy as Sugizo-sama *^_^*, and "Storm"..."Love Song"'s also good, and I appreciate "I for You" now that I found out Sugizo wrote it for our poor deceased hide-sama -_-...how tragic!

I want this thing. Yeah, it's a little bit scary and goofy simultaneously, but it's Yoshiki people! MY FREAKING HERO! The sad part is it really does look like Yoshiki, when he does the long blonde hair thing, minus the white makeup and wedding dress. IMHO, he looks a lot better with short hair. Heck, he's gorgeous no matter how he looks, and a bloody piano virtuoso to boot! Oh yeah, plus he reigns on the drums and in hotel room destruction. Gotta love it. AND I finally got my mom to listen to X's "Kurenai" and like it-albeit on my Yoshiki + Symphony CD, but still...now if I only I could get her into Noir Fleurir-she's not too fond of Kengo's hyper-kawaii vocals. Heck, I ADORE Kengo-"Dancing alone!" "Wir masqueradeooooooo!"...so darn cute *^_^*....so darn cute in fact, that my Napster command of the day is Noir Fleurir's "Omocha no Miisha"-Kengo basically does a vocal solo here, and he's awesome at it too. Heh, my favourite part is how they toss in random Spanish...and you should SEE how this child looks. I'll post a picture eventually...

Does anyone here own or have listened to the Luna Sea "Never Sold Out" CD-set? Doesn't Ryuichi sound like a possessed freak when announcing "Shade" O_o;? I need to make an MP3 or WAV of that just so y'all all can hear his weirdness...so darn hen! I LOVE IT! Well, except for the fact that he sounds like his throat is bleeding, which is cool in its own way. Oh well, ignore me-I need sleep. Anyways minna, good night and I just noticed how many times I used the word "freaking"-...thus, I now need to announce my new word-GUBERNATORIAL. Yes, it's a real English word that means pertaining to the duties of a governor. Because this word rocks so much, I've decided to either become the governor of Nebraska or Iowa-they're all like, states of corn, so I to go "liven" them up, despite the fact that I have not lived nor plan to live in them. And it's "GOOBERnatorial", not "GUBbernatorial"-not let those cretins tell you anything else as they're fickle hellcats. Gentle on the outside, but their hearts are full of LIE!!!! Eeek, sorry for the misquoted Gary Larson thing of the week-that guy's my hero too, such a delightfully twisted sense of humor. Okay, good night for REAL~

2001-01-31T21:59:00.000-08:00

Alrighty, minna, I now COMMAND y'all to visit my L'Arcish amiga Misha's new brog, Leaky Bottle~yatta! Indeed!

2001-01-30T16:48:00.000-08:00

SelectSmart amuses me intensely. I've been taking some political tests, and according to one I just took, I am an American Liberal...the amusing thing was my 2nd-highest-Anarcho Communist. Why doesn't this surprise me? I've also been recommended as one of those people the Socialist party needs...ah well, at least that fits, seeing as I do call myself a Socialist...

2001-01-29T22:44:00.000-08:00

Yee haw, be afraid for I am officially beginning to revamp my site, finally-it was MUCH overdue for such ^^;...speaking of my site, y'all are all aware that this blog is just a horribly mutated radioactive version of my rant/updates page, minus the updates, yes? Indeed...so, anyway, go visitit if by some reason you've arrived here via some other source than my site and tell me what you think of the newish layout...not really new, but I'm in the process of making it more uniform and less of a vaguely psychotic mish-mash than what it currently is. Plus, some sections look just plain ugly (the poor quotes section...it looked SO heinous, but I think it's somewhat better now)...anyways, if you do go there make sure to drop by the updates page and download the fonts so my site looks right. I know AOL screws it over, so...

Alrighty, we have a site for ye all to visit: Save a Stray. Yes, as in animals. Since almost every cat I've ever owned has been a stray (with the exceptions of Angels II-III), I'm more than a bit partial to them-go there and click once daily, if you care to ^_^. Speaking of cats, I think I'm gonna take a piccy of my lovely Aisrael with the webcam and post it...

The "Shinshoku ~lose control~" PV has to be one of the most insanely cool things I've ever laid eyes on. Very dark and freakish-hyde isn't particularly pretty, as he's dolled himself up to look right corpse-like. Pretty weird effect-when he closes his eyes it looks like he's rolling them back in his head O_o;...lots of weird levitation, roses, random flashes of the Kabbalic sephiroth...it's like the unholy marriage of L'Arc~en~Ciel and Malice Mizer-I SWEAR Mana-sama had a hand in this darling creation. Anyways, do yourself a favour and watch it. Not to mention the song rocks, too. It's one of my own personal anthems, along with Switchblade Symphony's "Dollhouse", "Gutter Glitter", Cirque du Soleil's "Let Me Fall", and Garbage's "#1 Crush". Yes, I am a freak. Hey, it could be worse-could be Sarah McLachlan's "Building a Mystery" ~_^...actually, I know a guy who that song fits eerily perfectly, particularly one line: "You're so beautiful, beautiful f***ed up man...."...no, Shou does not generally cultivate healthy relationships-every single guy I have ever had an interest in has some mental screw-up: klepto's, pyro's, social anxiety disorder, cutters, manic depressives, inferiority complexes...speaking of which, someone today told me that speaking in third person is one of the first signs of insanity. Blimey, I've been told all my flaming life that my own personality is a mental disorder, and I don't take none too kindly to having it implied, as I refuse to believe such. Besides, I don't actually speak in third person (usually), even though that's one of the few things I don't reciprocate in my speech that appears in how I type...

Yatta! I just ordered the first 6 tankouban of Angel Sanctuary from Acclimate Solutions (they're on the Anipike)...bloody expensive shipping (they're in Japan), but the manga themselves were extraordinarily cheap, as far as import prices go-normal Japan prices, actually. Ahh, how I'm looking forward to staring at Kaori Yuki's gorgeous art...AS has been my major manga obsession of the moment, not in small part to the mangaka's absolutely stunning gothic-shoujo style, plus the very intriguing storyline. I would've liked to have gotten some more Ayashi no Ceres (I have the first 6 tankouban), but I'm rather broke at the moment so that'll have to wait. I want more of that, to get more Star Ocean manga, as well as get some of Kaori Yuki's other manga series (i.e., Count Cain). Oh well, gotta run for the moment. One last thing-a very lovely song to download off of Napster for all ye is Ofra Haza's "Kirya". It's in Hebrew, but I love it to death-need some of her CD's...oh yeah, and Velvet Eden rocks, even if the vocalist is rather weird sounding-different than most of the indies visual kei stuff I've heard, in a good way. I think it's more techno...

2001-01-29T14:42:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday to hyde-sama~indeed, it is the pretty little j-rockers birthday, his 35th I believe, which is rather scary...you know, most of these Japanese guys I adore are like, 30+...oh well...anyway, sorry for being so angsty last post-sometimes I get a wee bit carried away, plus I've been rather emotional as of late. Eck. Oh well, I have stuff to do for mine site plus Japanese class purty soon, so more later~

2001-01-28T00:42:00.000-08:00

Yatta! Just got home from Misha's, after hours of watching the L'Arc~en~Ciel Chronicle PV video and the Reincarnation concert video-good stuff people. Ye gods, hyde has to be the single most sensuous creature ever spawned-how he doesn't make People's 50 Most Beautiful People of the Year never continues to shock and horrify me. Sorry, the Reincarnation video is from the "heart" period, which was when hyde wore lots of eyeliner, ken didn't look like a skank, and yukihiro had just officially joined the band-and it was also the time in which I was introduced to L'Arc thanks to Kouryuu ^___^. I was already into X-Japan mildly by this point in time (I discovered them in...eh...'96 I think it was, maybe '95), but my discovering L'Arc is what led me to plunge whole-heartedly into j-rock. Based only on the song "Niji", I ordered the album from CD Japan and ADORED it (still do ^_^)....so, suffice to say it was a VERY enjoyable evening...heh, I can be QUITE the freakish fangirl at times...made me want to go karaoking and sing Niji at the top of my bloody lungs, just like I do Malice Mizer's "Gekka no Yasoukyoku", and it also made me want to call Soba-kun, my muse in Japan again. Try, at least-he's never home, so I've become acquainted with his family ^_^;;....still, I know once they start babbling in Japanese I'll get scared, 'cause I can't understand-Shou is tres pathetique, ne? I want to badly, but I just...can't. And he leaves for 4 days starting Tuesday/Monday US time, soooo...eck, I hate just sitting to side and watching things happen, so why I am doing it? I should hush; wallowing self-pity/loathing never did anyone an iota of good.

I think I gained a pound from dinner last night. My family & I ate Mexican out, I ate too much, so now I feel insanely guilty and NEED to exercise for like three days straight. I can't adjust my diet or portions-my entire lunch consists of a Fuji apple and one of those Yoplait Yogurt Expresse things-just enough to sate my ulcer and hypoglycemia for a bit. No...all I want to do is lose weight, but it doesn't seem to be working anymore-instead of losing weight, I'm gaining muscle; not what I wanted. If only I were in Japan, I'd be losing weight again, since I barely ate there-mostly drank tons of water and other assorted liquids. Why can't I? Nande? Same thing with getting a job-I try my hardest but it always evades, despite all the little idiots who need to be reminded to breathe once in a while get a job on their first freaking application. I HAVE TO GET BACK. Gotta have some decompression...was it such a good idea for me to go there? All I do now is pine for the country, for the person I can't have who I doubt even remembers me. It's a horrible realization, but I need to remember that while they impacted my life so much, I was just another passerby, another quidam in theirs-nothing permanent, just a novelty, the strange American girl with curly brown hair and blue eyes who'll ramble in English to anyone'll bloody freaking listen. It's painful-trying to hold onto something that's slipping from you no matter how hard you try...despite our wishes, the memories will eventually turn black and white, fading into memory...it's like Louisiana now. When I go back, I'm always happy and nostalgic, but I'm nostalgic for the Louisiana that I remember, the Louisiana from 7 years that I can never have back, that exists only in my memory. It's sad, how time just stops for some but it goes on. Yeah, I still have friends there, but it's different-they never left, they still talk the same...I never hear myself talking different, but I know my accent has changed, and I don't sound hardly Southern anymore...it's painful to lose oneself, ne? Still, I am what I am and I accept myself, even if others won't. Sorry, I'm in such a weird depressed mood tonight and am probably annoying everyone -_-;...I just miss Japan, I miss Soba, I miss Yuri-chan, I even miss weirdo ice-filled tubs of octopus. He's the most incredibly stunningly beautiful creature I've ever met-and no, I'm not referring to necessarily physical attributes. Yes, I'm aware that this is a case of inane infatuation and obsession, and I'm not claiming to love him, because I cannot-I barely know him, but still he's my muse, that I which I have always searched for, and was drawn to like a moth to flame. I've had minor muses in the past-it's weird, it's kind of like soul-bonding, but not quite...why I am rambling about stuff no one cares about, save myself, personal crap that stay locked within my sick little psyche? I don't know...maybe I'm just tired and frustrated. Sure, people may say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but after a while it just plains hurts.

2001-01-27T17:37:00.000-08:00

I need a job. Bad. I broke down and bought another international phone card (I'm one of those people that money burns a flaming hole in their pocket) last night, so I called Yuri-chan, my exchange sister in Japan and who is also a very good friend of mine. As usual, I enjoyed it intensely-speaking to someone in Japan helps me remember that it's there, that I still have something to look forward to in life. No, I'm not depressed and/or need Prozac, and I'm not anorexic either. Sorry, my family always exhorts these things daily to me so I'm a wee bit on the touchy side about it -_-**. No, I don't eat that much and I do admit to counting calories obsessively, but I'm not anorexic-quite far from it, really.

Ah! Happy late Heretic Day ^_^! I didn't know about this lovely holiday until yesterday at Aorah's blog, or else I would've properly celebrated it, as I am quite the little heretic/apostate. Not really an apostate in the technical sense of the word, I suppose-you can't mourn the death of something that was never truly alive. However, when I was claiming Christianity as my religion, I thought that we should be taught Hebrew in order to read a correct translation of the Bible, not the trash that we see that's been thrown through countless filters and has lost so much. I also thought that we should call ourselves Modified Jews rather than Christians, and observe the tenets of Christianity as well as Jewish holidays and such. Most of the people at my church regarded such things and dangerous heresies, but I didn't mind, and I mind even less now. Actually, at church the other day this older lady asked me why I was sitting in the adult class, instead of the teen class, and suggested that I wasn't doing my part by not teaching the younger children (I don't go to the teen class because I utterly despise about 95% of the people there, and would rather be bored and sleepy than getting myself angry at their hypocrisy, superficialty, ignorance, etc)...I had to delicately tell her that I didn't consider myself a suitable candidate for such a class...funny, these people still think I'm a Christian, and I don't behave a whit different-the only difference now is I'm not afraid of what I am, what I really always was but denied for years and will admit it. Ick, church has caused my life a heckuva lotta stress...

Speaking of Christianity, here's something incredibly bizarre: The Great Enigma of ChronoTrigger. This is a website that claims that ChronoTrigger is a re-telling of the entire Bible, and offers the evidence. Heh, if you think people took parts of Xenogears as extreme religious symbolism, wait until you see THIS site O_o;...sure, I can see where the creator gets some of his ideas, but on some of them you have to wonder what sort of substance of dubious legality this guy was ingesting at the time...good grief, now we have both Chrono AND Chu Chu dying for our sins...

Yatta! I feel special, as I got to be mentioned on RPGamer's music section. Yup, the Shosetsu in question would be moi (out of curiousity, just how many Sho's ARE there out there? I know Hotmail mail wouldn't let me get just plain shosetsu as my e-mail addy, so there's at least one of the buggers...)...see, listening to/playing copious and unhealthy amounts of Cirque du Soleil music CAN do something besides make you a bit bizarre ^_^;;;...

Ye gods, my father just came down screaming about how much he hates Aisrael (one of my cats) for sitting on the car, and said he wanted to kill him. I told him that whenever he thinks about twisting my cat's little neck, listen to my vertebrae snapping, see the life fading from my own eyes, take any punishments he wishes to exert on them onto me freely. Of course, he just told me to shut up because I'm "rude" O_o;...yeah, alright, that makes tons of sense...good grief, if there's one thing incenses me, it's people who are cruel to animals and speak of it. I get pretty darn militant and scary, really...

Guess what? Monday is hyde of L'Arc~en~Ciel's birthday, so I'm going over to my friend Misha's to have a L'Arc-Fest. Yes, we celebrate our j-rockers' birthdays, so I'm looking very much forward (I'm leaving in about 35 minutes or so) to it....oh, here's a last request for all of ye out there-if you have or know of anyone who has either Placebo's "Sucker Love" or Marilyn Manson's "Count to Six and Die", PLEASE let me know. I just plain adore the Placebo song, and Manson's song has the first part of the Kefka theme repeating in it quite oft (personally, I don't really care for Manson), so I want them for my MIDI menagerie. Anyways, I think I'll go play the piano or something for a while until Misha comes-I don't think I'll get too friendly a reception upstairs today...and one more thing-heaven forbid, I'm going to update my site. Yes, a real update-the evil and sacred pages are in HEINOUS need of updateage, I have stuff to at to the Literature Centre, the Illurian Wars is taking off nicely (Kamea and I've been having some very profitable brainstorming sessions, and the characters are finally truly begin to take shape, sometimes in ways we didn't know would happen-they evolve on their own, my lovely soulbonds), I need to post the link to my blog on the main menu, just scores of stuff...so later minna. Oh yeah, if anyone knows anything about to get Fuzzy Wuzzy soap (a novelty soap from the 60's in the shape of various animals that grew hair), tell me IMMEDIATELY. If ye don't know, the e-mail is shosetsu_yokoso@hotmail.com, so there ya go. Anyways, later-I'll have an FFIX rant soon I think, as I'm currently in Pandemonium. You know, Zidane can be VERY Cloud-like at times O_o;...

2001-01-24T23:01:00.000-08:00

Why when I tell people that I listen to Japanese music they automatically assume I'm referring to taiko drum selections O_o;? Not that I'm down on taiko drums, it's just that when people think of Japan they don't automatically think I'm referring to visual kei...oh well, I shouldn't be so picky, as hardly anyone around even knows that it exists ^^;....oh yeah, and Happy Chinese New Year to all ye out there ^_^/~

2001-01-24T16:48:00.000-08:00

P.S.: -bloodwing- is never proofread, if you haven't noticed ^_^;...oh, here's a great link for all you in the frothing mass out there: The NikoNiko Happy Happy Homepage. It amuses me intensely, plus I'm insanely jealous of the webmastress who's currently hanging out in Kyoto University, the lucky stiff -_-**...INA!

2001-01-24T16:45:00.000-08:00

Blee. Don't got much time, but I yet another one of Shou's Magnificent Tales of the Kitchen for you, today starring turtle brownies from a box. Alrighty, you'd think you'd have to try pretty darn hard to screw these suckers up, ne? Well, I got home from ~~hell~~ school and proceeded to whip out a batch whilst singing to my mother's glorious Loreena McKennitt "Parallel Dreams" CD ("Huron Beltane Fire Dance" & "Standing Stones" ROCKS!)....everything was ready except shoving the brownies in the oven, when I realized that I hadn't greased the pan -_-;...so, I chucked em all out, cleaned the pan, and dropped 'em in again, still singing at the top of my lungs. And then I realized it-I had done the SAME FREAKING EXACT THING AGAIN! By that time, I had developed an intense hatred for the brownies, so I left them until my mom finished them. Don't I suck ^_^;;? Ah well, I have mucho history crap to do today so I'm gonna go thither. Oh yes, and my words of wisdom for the day: STD's-the gift that keeps on giving! Don't ask, *THIS* is what comes of eating lunch with strange and unnatural creatures similar to mineself whom you feed off of...it's terrible.

2001-01-22T14:59:00.000-08:00

Ye gods, I hate math. Have you ever been in a math class that you know you REALLY shouldn't be in but you decided to go into anyways? Yeah, that would be me. Heh, I'm such a retard-I bet all of ye would howl if you got to see my transcript-pretty weird crap on that there thing. Oh yeah, here's a new blog for all ye to visit-it's called Passion Crush, and it's by Lauren. Muy entertaining my children.

As all of ye American readers know, yesterday our stunning new President declared yesterday a "Day of Prayer." Oh crap. And this is just the BEGINNING?! I need my job, so that I might FLEE to Japan ima. Of course, my family and church was all applauding him, while I silently sat and thought heinous dastardly thoughts, lest I be lynched...ick...I wish I were 18...maybe then I could actually get a job and get out of here. You know, this is a FREAKING conservative country, especially compared to the rest of the world. Pretty horrifying, ne? The presidency bodes very ill for those of us who are not Christian and do not appreciate having it rammed down our throats, especially since I get that 24/7 anyway. Plus, I have to take it nicely, lest I be branded the villain. Organized religion irritates the crap out of me.

Oh, guess what? Shou had yet another one of her wonderful culinary adventures-I made a tiramisu for my own birthday. For those of you who don't know, tiramisu is an Italian dessert, not just a Bakuretsu Hunters character. You'd be surprised at how many people don't know that. ANYWAY, I made one and it was...scary. Dude, the thing has like a cup and third of Mesala wine and you don't cook it, so nothing burns off...I felt like I was chugging rubbing alcohol or something >_<..still, it wasn't half bad if you drenched it in whipped cream ^_^;;;...well, actually, the scary part is the lady fingers. You take a pack of ladyfingers and soak them in this unholy mixture of espresso and wine, and thus that's where the dessert turns a bit frightening. Don't get me wrong, I'm freakishly addicted to espresso and I love sake, but Mesala wine...eh...no thanks. Well, I have Japanese class now so I gotta go. You have to love it when you've been home for like 15 minutes and then you're off to yet another class....

2001-01-21T01:26:00.000-08:00

Eck. My picture didn't work, apparently, because Fortunecity is having issues as usual, so, here it is again, in all it's horrific glory. Oh yes, Vera, your blog is making me have weird dreams with shotacon manga magazines in them O_o;...not that my dreams weren't bizarre enough to begin with...I should paint one of the scenes from the infamous dream that inspired "The Stars Above Lead Us to Hell", aka Shou's hermaphrodite story. Yeah, just when you thought I couldn't think up anything weirder...no, the Illurian Wars Part I isn't that weird. Mildly freakish, yes, but once you get to Parts II/III and stories like Bloody Rose and VEDAS, I need to start reminding people that I don't sit around frying on acid. Unfortunately, the only drug used in the creation of my novels is excess caffeine. I say unfortunately because I really wish sometimes I had an excuse for some of the twisted crap I come up with...oy vey, someone shoot me now, I just uploaded my pic to GEOCITIES...I feel so unclean >_<...and for those of you wondering where this Seifaiden name I've been using on things is, it's Kizu's sentient mech from VEDAS. No, not sentient like Eva's, but quite different. It's not organic, either...eck, I'm so incoherent -_-;...and no, I'm not going by Seifaiden now-I'm still Shosetsu....

2001-01-21T01:07:00.000-08:00

Yup, I'm back-FINALLY. Actually, tonight I feel rather musical, and thus tonight shall be a musical update. Yes, I know precisely how much everyone ADORES those, but this is my bloody blog, so DEAL WITH IT. Ahem. Sorry, I think I'm PMSing, so I've been rather...volatile....today. ANYWAYS, my biggest song obsession of the moment is Placebo's "Sucker Love". I don't know why I love this song so much, but it's one of those you can put on repeat for hours and not get tired of it. Just a short little dittie too, but I like the music and the lyrics are weird, which is always a plus. What else have I been listening to? Ah, the Beatles' "I am the Walrus"-freaking wonderful song. No, stop looking at me like that-I'm a sucker for weird avant-garde stuff, okay? I've also been sampling new
j-rock bands-namely, Guniw Tools. I absolutely LOVE this group-they have so much variety! I mean, you can listen to one song that sounds like early 90's David Bowie (in the immortal words of my friend Misha, she who bestowed a delightful hide UFO catcher doll on me for my birthday *^_^* ::beams::) then the next will be goth rock or techno or scads of different genres. Kind of reminds me of Cirque du Soleil in that way, you know, especially on the <> CD...just what I needed, another CD to add my To Buy list, which already has 1.9 billion CD's on it. Lessee, I need to finish off my X-Japan collection with Dahlia & Vanishing Vision, buy all the Luna Sea CD's, same thing with Dir en grey, get Malice Mizer's Voyage sans retour CD, get the "Gekka no Yasoukyoku" single, get Guniw Tools CD's, finish out my L'Arc~en~Ciel album collection, get the "Shinshoku ~lose control~" CD, Pierrot's "FINALE", Gackt's "mars", TM Revolution's "Discodanza Remix Collection" (yes, I'm a diehard visual kei fan who likes TMR. Bite me.), Maschera's "iNTERFACE", some La'Cryma Christi, Lareine some TRF, some Noir Fleurir if I can, Madeth Gray'll...and these are just the Japanese normal music CD's-not counting anime/game music, or even the scads of American/British/Australian/etc stuff I want ::smiles wanly::-someday I shall have a music collection that rivals even Mieu's ^___^...actually, Mieu has very interesting musical tastes. She's introduced me to Diamanda Galas, shares my love of Cirque du Soleil & Malice Mizer, introduced me to Incubus...ah, the Incubus song of the day is my favourite "The Warmth". It doesn't sound like a lot of their stuff, but something about it immediately drew me. I've finally figured it out now-it's Farandolae's song. Yes, one of my billions of soulbonds, and also one of the major characters in the Illurian Wars, as well as the oldest one. Not in actually age, but when she was created, in...good grief, Farandolae must've been created in 95 or so. ANYWAYS, the song sounds like her towards Shosetsu at one point in the story-Shou turns into a wee bit of a sociopath...well, sort of-it's difficult to explain, and I don't want to spoil those of you who are going to buy it (provided I EVER finish it and don't become disgusted as usual with my writing, something that's about as likely to happen as large farm animals crawling out of my butt)-and of you are all obligated to. Aren't I nice little creature this eve? My other lasting obsession is of course "Stairway to Heaven"-I cannot get tired of this song!

Okay, that's enough song rant. Now I move onto more fun-politics. Yay, we now have a Republican president-let the crap begin. Yes, I'm a flaming liberal, on most issues-thus conservatives dominating the government for the moment is not a good thing. I can't WAIT until Ashcroft gets in there =P...ick. Sorry if I'm being annoying, but I politics is one of those subjects I feel strongly about (yeah, like there's a lot of things I DON'T feel strongly about) and have no problem ranting about. Actually, I do have problems with it-I only rant on here, and to my friends. In civics class, I keep my mouth shut generally as much as possible, and I'm in a class dominated by conservatives. Actually, that's generally the story of my life in this stage-I try to attract as little attention to myself as humanly possible, and absolutely LOATHE getting up in front of groups to do anything. I manage to usually diguise my intense nervousness, but then people do weird things like come up and tell me how confident I am when I'm about to crap my pants O_o;...so very odd. Oh yes, to horrify all of ye, here's a picture of me, just so you can run in terror and hide in a corner for hours while simultaneously stabbing your virgin eyes repeatedly with a crowbar or something. Indeed, I'm not too fond of the way I look. No, no, it's not body shape or anything (not that I'm very fond of that either, but I AM taking action to change it), it's my face, and I'm too cheap for plastic surgery. Also, you know what's odd? I haven't seen my natural hair colour in 3 years, and I don't really remember what it looks like. So, I've decided to grow my black out (my hair is actually a light brown with goofy blonde THINGS in it...heaven knows where those monstrousites crawled out of), leave it natural for about a week, then go black again ^__^. Also, I've been plotting to do some interior decorating to my room...my family won't let me paint it black, so I'm trying to convince them to let me get monster velvet black curtains to cover my walls, sort of like the Kaaba but inside out...yes, I do like the colour the black; no, I'm not a goth. Not really, anyways-I defy categorization. Some might try to put me there, since I usually do dress in mostly black (black shirt, black hair, my big black ol' Nazi boots [no, I'm not a Nazi, no matter what anyone tells you, but under descriptions of gangs I supposedly belong to the Nazi skinheads who hang out in Idaho] and blue jeans that are just a bit too big) and fit the mindset of a so-called "goth" (after all, it's the mindset that attaches you to a particular label, not the way you look), but I'm prone to wearing vivid orange every so often and am basically too weird to be categorized successfully-most people just throw me in the category of "the freaks", but I don't mind-at least I'm not normal.

THAT was a nice little tangent, ne? Ah well, I need to go to sleep-gotta go to weekly indoctrination tomorrow morning, aka church. BUT, before I leave, I must suggest a very interesting book to you-Carlos Castaneda's "Journey to Ixtlan". Sure, it may not be everyone's cup of tea and I'm not promoting peyote use nor disapproving of it, but it's quite an interesting little text. Ah well, later minna-I'm sure I'll be a pissant in the morning anyway.

2001-01-18T15:33:00.000-08:00

It's official-Shou is burnt out. Today is just one of those days when I wouldn't mind going to sleep and never awakening, ya know? I'm just very tired, mostly from schoolwork. Yeah, I know I'm constantly ranting about how hard it is to get a job, but if I ever DO get one, I doubt I'll be able to hold the thing down. I gotta get to Japan...

You know what worries me? NESticle. You know, the NES emulator...I downloaded it the other day and was greeted by the sight of the icon for the application-a lovely little scrotum someone drawn in Windows paint. What the frick?! Bloodlust is run by some real freaks...yeah, I can see using a kumquat or a crucified cow or something, but that's pretty bizarre ^^;...

One of my friends, Bak-chan, is picking up Skies of Arcadia today, so I at least get to see what it's like, even if I am Dreamcastless.

You know, Kuja's hips are like Sephiroth's hair-everyone revels in it. Or them, even. But he has such a weird outfit...he and Sydney Losstarot should hang out, or someone should slash them. I mean, Kuja's wearing some sort of funky short long-sleeved jacket and this...THONG thing, plus his skirt, while Sydney wears like, strings, and then that big leather skirt that's half hanging off of him...both are quite pretty and odd, indeed...

Is it just me or have movies with people self-mutilating in them been increasing? Maybe it's always been there and I'm just noticing it now that I'm obsessed with someone who does this to himself...I dunno...just seems like I've been noticing it lately. Perhaps it's like when you learn a new word-you seem to hear it everywhere, in places you never did before, but it was always there.

2001-01-17T23:29:00.000-08:00

Today is my 17th birthday. Yay. I'm too bloody sleepy and worn out to type anymore, so expect some decent blogging on the weekend, hopefully. And yes, I bought FFIX today ^_^;;...I'm broke...

2001-01-16T22:49:00.000-08:00

Just a wee little post here, since I still need to study for my satanic AP US History class tomorrow ^_^;;...yes, I am lazy in the extreme...ANYWAYS~, I took the lovely Final Fantasy IX character test, and I am most like....::drumroll:: Beatrix! Not really surprised-she is quite similar to me, and we're both swordswomen. Yesh, I fence-well, haven't lately but I do love it and can do it reasonably, for a beginner. So, that's my post of the el day. Or dia. Whatever. Oh yeah-I've caved in and I gonna buy FFIX tomorrow-didn't we all see this coming? Happy birthday tomorrow to MEEE~

2001-01-15T13:34:00.000-08:00

Oh crap, I screwed up the URL to Alruhi's blog. If ye try to go there, be sure to replace the apostrophes on the end with an "l", yes? As in HTML...

2001-01-15T13:31:00.000-08:00

You know, I just noticed something-when compared to others' blog posts, mine are freaking on steroids ^^;...oh well, that describes a LOT of things about me, as I'm notorious for hideously long e-mails, letters, sentences, essays, etc...I'm a freak. You know, I have never ONCE finished a timed essay, or done an essay test in less than 3 days. Yesh, Shou has problems, other than writing in third-person obsessively. Actually, that particular writing idiosyncrasy is one of the few I don't use in normal speech. Hai, I honestly DO talk like this. Well, not in formal situations, obviously, but when with friends I generally speak my bizarre mix of Deep Southern English mixed in with healthy doses of Japanese, French, Spanish, German, Portuguese, Latin, Russian, Czech, or whatever the heck I feel like saying at the time. And no, I speak one language for all who care to know-ENGLISH. Ye gods, that has to be the one question I get the most of the time, besides people asking if I'm British, Canadian, or Chinese O_o; (the answer would be none of the above)...what orifice do these people pull things out of? I don't look remotely Asian, IMHO...perhaps I'll post a picture of myself sometime (hide the children!) so y'all can make your own decision. What am I talking about? I seriously doubt a single blessed soul on this celestial sphere even knows this flaming blog exists, much less reads it...

Now I'm on Disc 3 in FFIX, so here's the rant...oh yes, massive spoilers will be happily galumphing around, so if you haven't gotten to that point and do want to be spoiled, I suggest you leave ima ^_^....

Alrighty, I'm just in the beginng of Disc 3-Alexandria got fried by the Eye of God or whatever the fook that thing is...Kuja called it the "Invincible", yes? Indeed, this game scares me. I'm still a little confused, but it's nothing compared to my bewilderment concerning Utena...heh, I find the whole Beatrix/Steiner thing cute...whom, speaking of, Beatrix ROX UR SOX. Seriously, I haven't seen a female character kick so much arse since General Sonya Shulgen in Gensou Suikoden (I THINK that was her name...you know, the blonde chick who was General Teo's lover)...well, versus in combat, anyways. I ADORE her Seiken skills, and I'm very glad they left her skills with that name instead of translating it...even though it was probably due to space...lessee. Kuja's gorgeous, even though his silver dragon brings Dragonlance to mind...eh, I feel bad for Dagger though-they cut off her horn! Still, this game can cast a WEIRD atmosphere, like when the wings of Alexander sprouted and covered the palace...freakish music indeed. I have to return it tomorrow, so MAYBE if I play it obsessively I can beat it...? And what the heck was with that huge gnappy thing in the Iifa Tree? It practically SCREAMED Jenova, not to mention it's rant..."You are a puppet"...can we say FFVII redux boys and girls? Too bad they couldn't have played "Jenova Absolute" or something during the fight-speaking of which, I need to get that OSV, PLUS FFVI's...and what's this "Rally-ho" crap? Idiot translators...although I had fun reading the Scottish accent out loud, even though my little brother got so annoyed he probably wanted to disembowel me XD

I was looking through my Perfect Works book last night at all the art of Deus and noticed that one of it's forms was VERY reminiscent of an art of Lucifer I saw on Lilims, an Evangelion site. Dunno if the link works, but try it anyway...freakish desu ne? Perhaps I'll scan it so y'all have a better notion of what I'm rambling about. And what's with all the eyes on wings and crap? THAT reminds me of the seven eyes of Lilith, nice and crucified in Terminal Dogma (I THINK) in Eva too...actually, I told one of my friends who's in jewelry to make me a Seven Eyes of Lilith or a Sephiroth (as in the actually Sephiroth, not Seph the Biseinen) thing...she had NO idea what I was talking about...you know, I need to get a copy of the Maleficus or whatever the heck the name of that book is with all the mystic art and symbols and stuff...there are SO many parallels between Xenogears and Evangelion-good thing I love both of them, even though I think Eva went a little bit overboard at times in the religious imagery ("Remember kids, Chu Chu died for your sins!" -Jeremy Parish)...a pity I can't actually READ PW...

Obikeibi, I need to put in some bloggish links. My newest source of amusement is Mooncalf Noises, maintained by Mooncalf (big surprise!), so be sure to go read her ramblings...ye gods, it would be crappy to have your gerbil donated to a research institute O_o;...I mean, I just froze my dead hamsters in the freezer for about a year and when we moved from Alabama we left them in the compost bin ^_^;;;...yes, my family is WEIRD-at any given time we have a frozen animal corpse in the deep-freeze (as in a pet, not a steak or something)-currently, the occupant is Lt. Elehayym van Houten, my dead elephant nose fish (aka Elly, hence the name)...yes, I'm a freak. Kinda reminds me of these weird people in Alabama. Across the road from my friend's house, there was this house with a billion little gravestones in the backyard...so, we decided one day to skulk around back there (this was like, 4 years ago) and lucky us, the lady of the house came and "met" us...she was quite nice, and I politely asked about her pet cemetery, to which she said it was, and said if we had any dead pets, she'd be more than happy to bury them for us O_o;;...funky little gravestones-more like graveplates, actually...the whole thing was augmented also because it was on top of a hill, covered in trees, plus the weather in 'Bama's often gloomy, so the place practically OOZED foreboding and atmosphere...an overgrown backyard, always dark...still weird when I think about it...eek, THAT was an odd tangent, ne? Okay, one last blog link: Electric Butterfly, which is Alruhi's of Starjewel fame's blog. She's a very interesting person, great yaoi/shounen-ai fan, and her website is worth a visit too, so be sure to drop by there on your visit. Thanks to her, I REALLY want to play Elemental Gearbolt now...prolly have to track it down on eBay or something...Bel Cain and Ialu are frighteningly beautiful...heh, I surprised Bel Cain even APPEALS to me, seeing as I usually don't go for blondes...keep in mind this is purely aesthetic-I haven't played it, but they also seem interesting. Ah well, more rantage later maybe...I'm neglected my Civics homework long enough...ja! Oh yeah, one more thing-Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" rocks, even though the guy's singing through some retarded voice filter...very pretty, even though it reminds me strongly of X's "Voiceless Screaming", another song I adore. I think my thing with solo acoustic guitar/flute ditties is all the fault of "Radical Dreamers: The Unstolen Jewel"...toki wa ai mo, itami mo...fukaku, dakitome~...(please ignore any and all grammatical errors-I'm too lazy to proofread ^_^)

2001-01-13T23:21:00.000-08:00

Kwaa. Shou is a bum of great intensity, yes she is indeed! Lucky moi, I had Friday off and I SHALL have Monday off as well, so I took the time to rent Final Fantasy IX, and love it ^_^! I'm especially elated at this seeing as I didn't really care much for VIII...I wouldn't go as far as to call it bad, but it didn't interest me much. This game gives me the same feel as VII did-and yes, heaven forbid, you ARE seeing an old-school gamer since the Atari age (well, more NES when you get down to it, but still...!) NOT loathing FFVII-in fact, I adore it. Yes, I like VI better, which was IMHO the pinnacle of the series for music (sure, Uematsu's churned out a few great pieces since then-"Liberi Fatali", "Katayoku na Tenshi", and "You Can Hear the Cry of the Planet" come to mind, but he has not produced a soundtrack of overall quality since VI. And no, this is NOT leering through rose-coloured glasses; my first Final Fantasy WAS the first one...), but I love VII as well. Yes, I loathe 3D graphics with the fire of a thousand suns, but VII was still good. Sure, IX is not nearly as gritty as VII was (referring to Midgar and all the slummage there), but they hold the same feel. Well, except for the fact that I know jack about IX and I knew the entire plot of VII around 6 months before it came out in the US ^_^;;...I'm surprised at myself, I am usually SUCH a miserable little spoiler. Still, I've managed to avoid spoiling myself for both this, Suikoden II, Utena, & Ayashi no Ceres-perhaps there's hope for me yet? Right now I'm on Disc 2 in the Fossil Roo, which is annoying the crap out of me. Am I the only one Quina scares? Gotta love hermaphroditic warrior chefs in houseshoes O_o;...you know, sometimes I REALLY what particular substance of dubious legality the employees at Square are consuming...oh yeah, and I've gotta talk about Kuja-the child is maddening gorgeous. Looks like a cross between Setzer and Sephiroth garbed in an exceptionally delectable ensemble-more guys in thongs, or whatever the crap he's wearing. I also like Sydney Losstarot of Vagrant Story's clothes, too-heck, I just like Sydney. Speaking of him, I REALLY need to play that game...gotta get a new memory card first though, and I'm currently stashing all my money (or pathetic lack thereof) into ye olde Japan fund....so, the entire point of this rant is I'm pleased with Square's new offering (well, except for the fact that they're catering to the drooling masses by having FMV every 5.4874 seconds...what the frick's up with that?!). Amen.

Har har har, Shou shall be 17 on Wednesday! Yatta! The only reason why I'm so elated at this is because I won't be 16 anymore, and perhaps it'll make it easier for me to get a job. For mine birthday, I shall have a tiramisu and then go to Red Lobster and gorge myself sinfully on Sunset Pina Colada in which the glass could act as an aquarium if need be, Cheddar Bay Biscuits aka the nectar of the gods, as well as my usual assortment of scrumptious appetizers in the forms of calamari (yes, contrare to my Japanese colleagues' belief, I DO like ika-*COOKED* ika >_<), fried mozzarella schticks, clam strips, and stuffed mushroom caps. No, no, I don't eat ALL that in one sitting; like, a 5th or something...then I proceed to live on seafood for my next 4 meals or so ^_^. It's ever-so-tragic: little seafood loving children should NOT live inland. It's crappy. What I wouldn't give to go to a real Louisiana crawfish boil again...haven't been to one of those in like, 9 years. Oy vey, the whole fact that I say I haven't done something in 9 years shows that I'm becoming ancient and wizened. Heck, before I know it they'll be shootin' the old embalming fluid in me...I feel so ELDERLY >_<...nah, I prefer to term it as being in touch with my mortality. Oh well minna, I need to go, because for some peculiar reason I'm getting dizzy when all I'm doing is sitting down, which is NOT a good thing. Ja ne! Oh yesh, and a very glorious belated 16th birthday to my friend Aorah/Saikou ^___^....now, good night for REAL. I'll post again probably whenever I take FFIX back or something.

2001-01-09T15:35:00.000-08:00

Crap. I wrote a huge post on socialism the other day, and my lovely crap-PC decided to error on me and thus all the writings were lost. Maybe I'll rant more about socialism some time later. ANYWAYS, I got my PSAT scores back today and was heinously disappointed. They weren't "bad", per se (I got a 94 in verbal, 60 in math, and 93 in writing), but I was hoping for much higher. The only thing I'm content with is my score in math-I expected that, as I haven't even taken the recommended math classes for it (I am a mathematical IDIOT)...still, it's disheartening. How am I going to get into a HALFWAY decent college with projected scores like THAT?! I mean, my GPA's utter trash (a 3.13....it WAS a 3.6 until I flunked an art class....no, no, I'm not THAT inept at art, I had a nice little nasty combo of pneumonia/ulcer funstuff that basically took me out of class for 2 weeks (my ulcer generally affects me in the morning, and the class was 1st period. Lucky me.) and my teacher flunked me. It's a shame, I was getting high grades on all my work -_-;...anyway, that's my pathetic little tale of woe. Eck. Lessee, other news-I finally broke up with my boyfriend, Kel-chan. No, I'm not trying to sound like I've "escaped" from some dark dank prison, because that's not it remotely-we had been an item for nearly a year and two months. We made better friends than a couple, anyway-I'm very insecure, and Kel has some...complexes, and things ended up being bad for both parties. Now I feel...better, and I think (hope ^^;) he feels the same way. I'm determined to stay single now-there's someone who I want divide my whole attention to, whenever I get to see him again...

Yesterday I started playing the piano, playing X-Japan's "Crucify My Love"...ye gods, I ADORE it whenever...ah, later, I gotta go to the library. More later!

2001-01-07T00:41:00.000-08:00

Yeehaw, my first bloggish post of yon New Year. Not much different from last year, IHMO, except now I keep on screwing up writing the year in my dates as "00" instead of "01" -_-;;...I do that EVERY year, and drives me positively MAD! You know something weird? I hate odd-numbered years. No, stop looking at me like that, it just doesn't look as nice on paper. Look at this-which looks better in type, 1995 or 1996? Sorry for the rambling, but it's something that irritates me. And yes, I'm a freak. A freak who needs to learn how to update her blog more than once a bloody flaming week -_-;...

Just watched Stephen King's "The Langalears" on USA (I have no clue how to properly spell it, so sue me), and I liked what I saw (I watched the last hour of it, while running back to the table to do pieces of an obscenely long math problem during commercials...I HATE math...), and I liked what I saw. My brother made a comment about how he hopes the satanic Pac-Men (aka the langalears) aren't real, and then my father became incensed for some reason when I said they're theoretical possible ^^;...anyways, I liked it, as I like weird crap that dabbles with the principles of astrophysics (my fascination with astrophysics and time travel is all the fault of Chrono Trigger, believe it or not. Yes, I get very much into my games ^^), albeit it was a bit improbable...

I've been thinking lately (scary things happen when I contemplate), and I think that all people have one thing throughout their lifetime that they are seeking, whether it be consciously or not-some find it, some do not. For me, I think I have found what I have searched for, something that was unconscious-a muse. Yes, an eternal source of inspiration, although I did not expect to find it in the form of a troubled Japanese flutist (flautist?) boy. It's bizarre, really, but a human muse is almost like an addiction if you're a writer-you never expect to find one, but when you see them, hear, them, you know that they are a muse, even if they don't know...then the stories that they spawn just form in your head, and will NOT leave you alone until you put SOMETHING down on paper...or they come to you in dreams...muses are bad in a way, because the more stories and characters you have itching to crawl out of your cranium, the more addicted you become. Yes, this how my writings and I are, when it comes to novels-I don't sit around trying to think up stories, they come to me, whether I like it or not (which I don't, right now, because I have wa~y too many that keep me occupied and I can't even finish one -_-;). Bloody muse...still, muses are creatures of such of beauty, whether the beauty be light or dark, pure or twisted hideously, that you can never ignore them, even if you want to...

Ah! Okay, in a break from my insane ramblings that are probably scaring a lot of people, I've been link to a couple people's blogs: specifically, my friend from the glory days of SNO (Sephiroth no Oukoku) , Aorah/Saikou, and painter of weirdness/half nude bishounen extrordanaire Queen Vera ^_^. Both have interesting blogs that are actually updated (unlike mine ^^;), so be sure to check them out! Actually, while you're at it, check out their sites too, which are updated (unlike mine ^_^-do we notice a theme here?).

Alrighty, now for the music and literature extollations (yatta, a new word!)-first off, Loreena McKennitt-I ADORE this woman's music. She does stuff in the Celtic style, plays about 5.9 billion different instruments, while singing and writing lyrics to boot. For examples of her work, I heartily promote "The Mystic's Dream" (it isn't a good representative of her usual stuff, though-I just like it ^_^), "Huron Beltane Fire Dance", and "Standing Stones". Yes, she has more stuff, but I'm too flaming lazy to write 'em down. Bite me. As for books, the Author of the Blog Post is....H.P. Lovecraft! Sure, he can be a bit slow, but I loooove most of his stuff-hunt down all the anthologies you can get your grimy meathooks on and READ! And don't be too frightened by the book covers ^_^;-actually, if you're anything like me, the covers are what'll attract you-some of them remind me of Salvador Dali (l love the guy's stuff-surrealism rocks, even if he does paint some...odd things). Speaking of people's tastes, I brought my Angel Sanctuary postcard book (it's called "Angelic Voice" to school on Friday, and was met by mixed opinions. I personally adore Kaori Yuki's insanely GORGEOUS artwork and am in awe of it, as well as some of the weird stuff she produces (I WOULD scan some stuff, but I don't want to take the postcards out ^^;), but some people find it repulsive, or don't like it because of the androgyny factor. Oh well, people are certainly entitled to their own opinions, as it says in one of my favourite Switchblade Symphony songs: "Treasures she loves/others despise"...still, I can't see it, as any who know me know I'm big on androgyny in art and people, plus weirdness and blood (I just looked over the cover of my binder and noticed I have a LOT of bloody people O_o;)...

Yatta! I have a resurfaced little obsession I'm going to introduce to all of ye-it's the Phantom Tribe prince, Najato, from the first series of the anime El-Hazard (it's haZARD, not hazard, as in waste materials -_-*)! Why? First off, aesthetics-he's blue and exceptionally pretty (and yes, I know he's like 11, if not younger), and well all know my bizarre fetish for blue skin. Next, he's tragic-he's been so warped by Gallus it's scary, while Gallus uses Najato as his own his perverted plaything (*I'M* calling something perverted? ::laughs::)...it's quite sad to see a person who has been shaped by someone else-I see it all the time, people who have never thought for themselves but don't know it, and are locked in a cage within their own skulls. Najato's different though, as he's been basically brainwashed by Gallus...poor child, he's as beautiful and fragile as blue glass (HYDE-SAMA! ::glomp::) yet emanates a dark wave of hatred that would make one fall over, disturbing for such a small creature...

Okay, I'm going to shut up right now because the Tylenol PM I just took are taking effect, plus I think the coherency rate is dropping rapidly, partially due to sleep and partially due to singing X-Japan's "Tears" while writing simultaneously-it ain't working, minna. Such a sad song, as it applies to both Yoshiki's father and later to hide. It's like Toshi is channeling Yoshiki's own sadness that he embedded into the melody and words through his own voice-all writing is partially in blood, and it's profound to be able to experience another person who you've never met's emotion-same with "Good morning hide", the L'Arc~en~Ciel song that ex-drummer Sakura wrote about vocalist hyde-you can feel the emotion like a pinprick, even though one can't pin their finger on what it precisely is. Now, I'm listening/singing the ending vocal for Chrono Cross, "Radical Dreamers"-if you haven't heard this song or seen the lyric translation, get both NOW-a song utterly beautiful in it's melancholy simplicity, where you can just feel the vocalist's rather sad declaration that she'll find him, no matter what, no matter where he is, some day. Unfortunately, some day is a day that seldom comes...eeek, I've been VERY weird tonight, so I'm shoving off this blessed second. Good morning/night to all and more rant later!

2000-12-30T01:29:00.000-08:00

Yarp! Indeed, I'm feeling much finer kyou so I'll ramble a little bit...eh...what did I do today? Slept for a while, got in my luscious Bara no Seidou CD (nice thing to wake up to ^_^), cooked, groaned in pain for a few hours, played Harvest Moon (my hothouse got destroyed by a freaking blizzard! What the crap is up with that?!), and then I went to my lovely j-rock adoring friend Misha's house (that girl has the most PV's video clips on ANY PC I've ere seen in my entire menial existence O_o;). 'Twas great fun-about 4 hours of Utena viewing fun, and I'm pretty close to being through the Black Rose story arc...I'm very confused...okay, now I'm going to ramble about Utena, so here's the obligatory spoiler space...
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What IS going on?! Number one: from what crevice did the ever-so-lovely Mikage crawl out of? Also, what is WITH everyone running around and randomly yanking swords out of peoples' chests O_o;? Why does Anthy have swords coming out her chest to begin with? What is "End of the World"? Why does EVERY single fragging chick in the series who has a brother want to crawl in his pants?! Where do the freakishly bizarre filler episodes come from (the whole cowbell thing frightened me...in the extreme..."Urusai...mooo...")? Eck, I just have a lot of questions...what's with all the possessed "battle desks" that have new and different weird things on them constantly (voodoo dolls, umbrellas, hairclips...)? Such a hen na anime...but I love it and will continue to watch it just to figure out what the crap is going on...this was also my first time watching it fansubbed, as opposed to the American dub...you know, Nanami's not NEARLY as annoying with her Japanese voice, but Miki's voice....oy vey...half the time I can't tell if it's him or Utena who's speaking >_<...WHY!? I looove Saionji's voice now-you know, he didn't seem like such a jerk when he was freeloading off Wakaba, but now that he's back at Ohtori he's being a cretin again -_-;;...and pretty pretty Touga still needs a couple truckloads of Prozac...heh, I loved it when Nanami called Utena a dyke-she should've knocked the crap outta her...sorry, I'm not too fond of her..."O-NII-SAMA!"...actually, I noticed there are a LOT of people who go by -sama in this show O_o;..."Utena-sama!" Heh, speaking of Anthy, she really surprised me when Utena was dueling with Wakaba-she actually wasn't completely spacing for once...but her little "meetings" with her brother...::gags:: I'm trying NOT to remember that she's an eighth-grader...actually, I've totally given up on ages in this series-I consider them all the same age, save Mitsuru...it's too freakish -_-...ah well, on to Bara no Seidou~

I thiiink it's first pressing-this is the first CD I've ever seen that doesn't come with a CD booklet-it comes with a freaking hardcover book, and an awfully purty one at that ^^...you know, Mana is probably the most incredibly stunning real male I've ever seen in my life-the child has a figure any girl would envy, beautiful as can be, looks as delicate as a doll (except when he's dancing ^o^...poor Mana-hime)...not to mention he's any excellent musician and music writer. The same for the other band members-they're are frighteningly beautiful, in a very ghostly way. Onto the music itself, ima! It's not a CD for everyone, that's for certain, but I personally adore it. Why? Scads of pipe organs, operatic singing, choir, the works-the only thing missing is the accordian. Now, onto my prime reason for getting the CD-new vocalist Klaha. As I'm sure all of you know, lovely vocalist Gackt quitting, citing the quintessential "musical differences", and now there's Klaha. I like him, but it's very weird-generally, when you pop in a Malice Mizer CD, you expect to hear Gackt, so it's still taking getting used to. He's not bad by any stretch of the imagination, just different...he too can do lovely opera-esque things with his voice, so I'm sure I'll get used to him eventually...you know, Mana actually writes coherent English lyrics, unlike some artists we could name *coughsGLAYhydehideTWO-MIX*...very lovely dark stuff...heh, GREAT CD, so be sure to check it out! Oh well, I'm sleepy, so I'm gonna go crawl in bed soon...you know, I think I'll go and finally finish Xenogears tomorrow (hasn't taken me a while or anything ^___^...I've had it since the day it came out)...go stare are pretty winged Karellen...my favourite character ^__^...oh well, later minna~oh, and this time I actually used flour instead of powdered sugar. Rock on! Yes, I'm obsessed with calzones and all manner of Italian food...

2000-12-28T20:52:00.000-08:00

Ahoy maties, I finally got in my Suiko Gaiden OSV, and the thing ROX UR SOX! Yes, I love and adore it. Not many original tracks on the thing (like, 2, on the entire double-disc set), but they're all good-there aren't any crappy ones, and I looooove "Currents", the opener ^___^...plus they have "Gothic Neclord" in there, and I'm the biggest pipe-organ freak ever spawned, so it's ALL good. Anyways, do yourself a favor and get "Currents" from somewhere, just to give it a listen...ye gods, I just love scads of purty string instruments paired with random ethnic percussion (READ: Chrono Cross's "Kizu no Toki"-best song ever made!)...ah, speaking of that song, I ORDER you all to go and get the flaming thing! SUCH a good song...another thing, I have now officially (well, by my standards anyway) dubbed La'Cryma Christi's "Lhasa" the theme song of the Illurian Wars, Part I-LOVE IT!

Speaking of the ILW (aren't I always?), I started work on the timeline (for all three books) and an...encyclopediac thing for my own use, to clear up things...I MIGHT finish the first book before I'm 20...maybe...I truly wish I could sell it and get it made into an anime, but...ah well, I can dream, ne? I just don't want to die before my characters are immortalized-they can NOT die with me-I will not allow it. Oi...I don't feel so good, so this'll be a bloody short post. Later, minna~